May 17, 2022
Yesterday was so interesting. I talked to Nadine on Zoom. She’s a Raiki lady. It was so nice to talk to someone who knows this stuff. I booked a Raiki session for tomorrow. I’m excited for that. She said it was interesting that I called her on the day I did. Something about the start of a new cycle. I like that she said to never lose my ability to be skeptical. She encouraged that quality.
I had class at U of T. I was becoming so annoyed at one point. I was feeling like it was a waste of money. The lady behind me was annoying me so bad. I was in physical pain.
We took a ten minute break. I went outside and sat on the stairs. I asked what the lesson was here. If it’s true that we choose our lives, then it means that there’s something valuable for me to learn in this moment. I thought maybe it had something to do with patience or acceptance. I went back and sat in the chair. I was still hating it, but I was allowing the hate to be there. I was letting myself be annoyed. I was also letting them be in the room. Everything single thing that I felt and experienced was allowed to be there. The spot in the back of my head that throbbed was allowed to be there. After a little while of this acceptance everything changed. I felt slightly euphoric, the colours were very nice. I kinda forgot about myself and was just feeling the sensations. It was a good lesson.
After that I went to Brian’s new place. It was very close. We went to T&T Supermarket. I got lamb and noodles. I ate while Brian told me this crazy story about his recent time in San Francisco and having to take care of his brother who was super drunk and high. I didn’t like the food very much. I actually felt slightly sick afterwards.
Then I took the subway back. The 64 bus from Main was gonna be 20 minutes so I just walked home.
I listened to music. I was really getting this feeling about being high. I didn’t understand why I was thinking about it. It was the whole way home.
When I got home I was so confused. I didn’t want to smoke because I hadn’t smoked in so long, and it had been such a struggle to stop. But it really felt like I was supposed to do it in that moment. I didn’t even want to, but it just felt like my body was saying to do it.
I sat and just really really prayed, asking what I was supposed to do. My head was saying no no no no no over and over. I felt a warm buzzing feeling in my stomach and in heart.
I was also still feeling kinda sick from the food. It was weird. This huge sensation of needing to get something out, and this huge feeling that I needed to smoke weed. I kept thinking that I was scared, because it wasn’t that I was against weed, it’s just that I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to stop smoking again once I started.
So Carter said I could have a joint. I went down to the beach and smoked. It was really interesting. I felt the feelings in my body so well. I let the anxiety be there. I observed it. I saw a tree and realized that it was a galaxy. All the leaves were stars and the tree was this beautiful thing that held and nourished them. I realized that humans are like stars, or leaves, and that there’s this thing holding us all together, that we can’t see. For stars it’s gravity. For leaves it’s the branches. For humans, it’s something. I don’t know what it is. But when I saw that tree it was so obvious that we’re all connected, especially because the tree connects to the earth. It’s just galaxies within galaxies within galaxies.
I was sitting on a bench looking at this tree, and when I’d have a realization I would get tapping feelings on my body. There was a very pronounced one on my upper lip. It felt like someone was kinda reminding me to pay attention. It felt like something wanted me to love it, and it felt sad when I wasn’t loving it.
I went home. I played guitar. I was plucking strings and just listening to the sound grow more and more faint. It was so beautiful. You can actually hear them for a long time. Some of them would make weird sounds near the end.
I noticed that I can move my awareness to different sections of my throat. I can change the voice, depending on where the awareness is. It’s so obvious though, that we can all make our voice change, but it was very interesting in that moment when I realized WHY it was changing. It was because my awareness can move, and the awareness coupled with the location produce different sounds. Each point on the body is unique and it will produce a unique sound when the awareness is held there.
I also realized how this affects thoughts, or consciousness. Because so many of our senses are on our heads, we spend so much of our time up in our head. We sorta see this as the helm of the ship. We see the head and awareness and the thoughts all as one thing. But if we move our awareness to other parts of the body, the thoughts change.
If you really hold your awareness on your stomach and chest, the types of thoughts and ideas are very different than if you hold your awareness in your head. Not that one is better than the other. They’re just different. Different points of view. All can be correct. But all should be considered to see the bigger picture.
I also really came to terms with the fact that weed has some inherent characteristics when combined with me. Some of these are over thinking, watching videos, getting distracted, staying up late. These things will always happen. I can’t take this as a personal weakness. It’s just the nature of mixing my body and marijuana.