May 14, 2022
A couple days ago something interesting happened in meditation. I was feeling the tingling in my hands. Normally I just feel the sensation. This time I really INTENDED to focus on it. When I did that this really weird rush of energy went all through my body. I’d never felt it before. It felt like the bottom dropped out from under me and then something slowly but surely began increasing in intensity. My heart started beating very quick. I didn’t know what was about to happen but I tried to just accept it. It just kept getting stronger and stronger until I consciously stopped. I was getting tired and my heart was beating really fast. I watched some videos describing what that might have been.
Yesterday I had similar things happen in meditation. I began by feeling my breath and really intending to relax. Then I felt the tingling in my body. At certain points I would suddenly feel something drop out from under me and this huge rush of energy.
I’m trying not to crave it. I don’t want to feel that I’m failing when it doesn’t happen. Baby steps.
I’ve realized how much this ‘intention’ thing plays a role in all of this. The past 5 years I would just sit and meditate. I would never intend. That’s kind of where I’m struggling now. I’m trying to have intentions, but that doesn't mean ‘to think’ or to make something happen. There seems to be a fine line between having an intention and thinking about making something happen. When I think, I end up getting kind of frustrated and confused. It seems to be about just very consciously feeling the sensations in the body, that’s all. Accepting whatever happens, even if it’s a thought. It doesn’t seem to be about ‘brushing away’ the thoughts. That’s changing the reality. It’s about noticing the thought, letting it be there, and that’s it. Not engaging with it.
I think a part of the problem is that we think being conscious is a choice. I find that I’m ‘trying’ to be conscious. That seems to be thinking. Consciousness is already there without trying.
It’s all easier said than done. It seems to be a matter of unlearning rather than learning.
Dreams
There’s a lot of commotion. Lots of people. Close to some edge. Dad is talking to many people. He’s shouting. People are circling him.
It feels like a storm is about to start. I think we’re on the edge of the CN Tower. He tells the people that he can make everything tilt. Everything starts turning upside down. I really don’t like it. I’m holding onto the ground, which is now above me. I only have one hand holding me. I’m slipping. I’ll die if I let go because I’ll fall forever. I’m screaming at him. I’m telling him to stop and to turn the world back round. I think he does. But later on I remember that death isn’t real and so I jump anyways.
I’m falling, but I only know I’m falling when my eyes are open. When I close my eyes I just feel weightless. When they’re open I see that I’m falling down past a long list of followers, like on Instagram or YouTube. All their thumbnails keep scrolling past, and there’s a little indicator that shows how many are left. When I close my eyes I don’t experience any of this.
Then I’m in a room. I think it’s in a basement. I go upstairs. I’m outside. It’s the courtyard of a school. A woman leaves the building behind me. She’s with three boys and they’re identical twins in their twenties. They’re all carrying guitars out of the school.
I walk home. I find dad. I tell him about the dream. He already knows about it. When he was sleeping he saw my dream, but it was sort of different. He said he could hear me calling out in my sleep. He said that when the world turned upside down I quickly made a bee-line for Australia.
Later I call dad. I’m pretending to be a banker. I think I want him to tell the story of my dream again. It’s sort of a prank call. At one point he asks ‘is this Kai?’
I’m in New York. I’m at the south end of the island. There’s little plots of land. They’re all divided by wooden fences. There’s old men in the plots, working on the soil. They look like farmers. Someone tells us that something bad happened up in mid-town, and that a lot of the bankers are going to be there soon. They’re coming to get their land.
One of the farmers says “This is our land!”
The person responds “Technically it’s their land. They own it.”
We start leaving to avoid the bankers. We get to the very southern tip of Manhattan. Everything is smaller. The waves are crashing on to the shore right in front of us.
I see a rock about waist high. It’s the Fox Theatre. It has a marquee attached to the front of the rock. You can read the movies that are playing. There’s no building.
The Statue of Liberty is just a little ways out in the water. It’s so small. Ed Sheeran is there, and he wades out into the water to be with the statue. It’s very cold and the water must be freezing.