April 24, 2022
What a relief I feel. The last 2 or 3 days have been special. It makes sense now. Well sorta. It’s like I’ve been in a dark room all my life and there’s all these paths and I’m not sure which is the right one, and I fucking FOUND it! And I think of it like one path actually. It was always one path, except this path was snaking all around the floor. It looked like a bunch of different paths, and so every once in a while I would cross over a section and see something really interesting and magical, like when I first read Autobiography of a Yogi, or when saw the UFO’s, or when I went to the meditation retreat, or when I took mushrooms and felt that there was something aware in the room with me. All of those things now make sense kinda. I feel like I FINALLY found the beginning of the path. I feel like instead of starting at level 5 or 3 or 25, I finally found level one. It seems that you’re allowed to go to any of those levels whenever you want, but they don’t really make sense unless you start at the beginning. I feel like I found the level 1 in the last 2 or 3 days. It’s funny, because there’s this slight sadness. It’s the sadness that I will never get to experience realizing it’s real again. That moment when I first realized that UFOS are real, and the moment when I first noticed that death isn’t real- that joy and AWE. I won’t have that again.
I get a feeling that I’m wrong about that though, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life is that it just keeps getting crazier and crazier and you never stop having your mind blown. So maybe I’ll never be awed by those particular things again, but there’s so many other things that can still blow me away that I haven’t discovered yet.
I wanna know my past lives. I want to understand why some people in this life seem so familiar, like April and Carter. Did I know them before? Why did I choose this particular life? Did I choose it? And I think most of all I want to know what my mission is, although to be honest, I’ve always felt a tug in a particular direction. I didn’t understand what the tug was, and I figured it was self-imposed, but now I’m starting to feel it’s not something to feel weird about. It’s a beautiful journey that I might have chosen for myself a long time ago. I’m not sure.
I think I’ve written about this ‘tug’ before, but I’ve just always had this insane urge to change the world with my ‘creations’. My art I guess, but I don’t like that word because it doesn’t seem right.
This feeling really went into overdrive when I was about 15 or 16. I remember realizing that my childhood was over. There was no longer any chance to change things about it. My childhood was set in stone, it felt like. That kinda disturbed me, because I felt like I hadn’t done enough. I remember really realizing that I was gonna die. I remember asking people like Mami if they were afraid of dying. I remember her crying and saying that she noticed that it was getting harder for her to do little things like climb the steps. That’s when something in me just totally exploded and wanted to make things that would last long after I’d died. I didn’t want to just dream about these things, I felt the urgency to start making them. I felt like I had already squandered so much time.
It’s funny how it all makes sense looking backwards, like that Steve Jobs quote. All those years I spent in my room making music. Trying to be famous on the internet, and just failing over and over and over. I feel so lucky I had that failure. It left me with this really really pure love for music.
That thing that wants to have lots of instagram, YouTube, sound cloud followers. I had that craving more than anyone! And it died slowly, over the course of about two years. I started trying for real right when Covid started. I’d already been making music for like 4-5 years, but that’s when I started trying to really make it on the Internet. And it was just under 2 years of trying. I finally stopped this past New Years. That’s when I was posting an originally produced song and music video every day to TikTok and YouTube. It was going absolutely nowhere. I think some of those songs are the best things I’ve ever made, and it was really funny because the last 3 or 4 songs are like I had forgotten how to make music. I was suddenly really interested ‘art’ and was really trying to make something new. Something that I didn’t know yet, something to do with connecting the music to the visuals very tightly. It was kinda freeing because since I knew nobody was watching any of the stuff, I felt I had permission to try anything.
But anyways, I’m really interested in performing live. I want to grow that ability. The desire is so strong, and the love I want to give through the songs is so real. And the songs that are coming to me are so nice and fun and real. I just gotta grow this ability of performing. Just little things, like how to use a microphone, or how to introduce myself. That stuff is totally new. I’ve been doing it for a couple weeks.
Here is some pain in my chest. Not that painful, but just a very real feeling. It’s solid. I’ve got a body. I know it.
Do you? You can feel it too? I’m not saying you gotta love or hate it or whatever, but you notice it's there?
Yah so I was in bed and waking up to the feeling of being allowed to go towards something very pure and powerful, but I was scared. It was just a little overwhelming. It was like - ‘do I wanna go towards the love? You’re allowed to go if you want!’
That’s what it felt like. And I kinda just dipped my toe in and holy crap yah it was pretty strong. Kinda reminded me of yellow light. But then I went back to dreaming.
Now I’m just waiting around for the sun to set I guess. Kinda wanna try again. I guess I have ‘worldly’ responsibilities to take care of first. FINE!!! I’ll do it.
I gotta do groceries today and feed this meat body. I recognize you, body! Thank yeeeee!!! I shall buy food today so that I can nourish you and keep you working as well as possible I guess! Thank you for carrying me around from spot to spot, event to event! I used to be embarrassed by some parts of you, oh dear body!! I used to think my wrists were too skinny and my nose was too big for my face! I used to think my hair was too puffy and that too much of my gums showed when I smiled! I used to think that my voice was high-pitched and I used to be embarrassed by the mole on my chest!