Apr 18, 2022
Today is windy. It’s not that nice out. I hate the wind. It’s uncomfortable. I love it when it’s windy and I’m inside, though. Or when I’m in bed. I feel cozy.
I sold all my Bionicles this morning. I sold them for $55 on Facebook Marketplace. I also put up an ad for the Thomas Trains. Someone is coming tomorrow to get those for $50. I wanna sell more stuff, it feels fun. I can sell my blue electric guitar for sure. I’ve had that for like 6 years and I played it like 3 times. I’m gonna try selling a bunch of my old webkinz. I’m putting them in the wash now and then I’ll take some photos.
I walked Harry this morning. Yesterday Brooke, the owner, gave me a bag with treats and $40 as a thank you and because it was Easter. That was very kind of her.
Last night I went and did another open-mic. I went to Film Cafe. It was my first time doing it at that place. I was the ninth person to go on. I could tell that I was getting more comfortable with performing, because I was very aware of how bad it sounded. The first few times all I cared about was getting through the songs without fucking something up. It was the first time where I didn't’ really feel that nervous before I went on, and where I wasn’t shaking when I took the guitar out of the case. A few of the other performers said that the sound at that place really sucks and how that definitely has a negative impact on how well the sets go. I couldn’t hear myself too well, and everything sounded super bassy and muddled. I figured that I should have a few songs written that use chords very high up on the neck, just for those kinda situations. I felt the whole time that I was singing a few octaves lower. It was really weird. I also gotta get a capo, now that I understand what they do.
Today I wanna record the sets I’ve done. I feel like it would be a cool idea to document the songs I play, because they’re changing pretty often. It’s interesting to see the progress. I started off by playing stuff that’s wayyyyy too complicated. Way too many chords and stuff going on. So I wanna record that stuff today.
I finished reading Change By Design. It was pretty interesting. I really liked the parts where he talked about prototyping. I felt like I could apply that stuff to the gigs. He talked about how a good way to tell how innovative a company is, is to see how quickly they can design and test a prototype. It inspired me to just keep trying new things, as opposed to worrying about having the perfect set or waiting until I can sing properly. He talked a lot about failing early and quickly in order to succeed sooner. I liked that a lot.
My initial goal with doing the gigs was to get over the stage freight and to have a couple songs fully memorized so that I always have a set ready to go. I’ve achieved that, and now my goals are to have done an open-mic everyday of the week, that way whenever I have a day off work I can look at my list on my phone and see what’s open that night. I want to have done most of the places at least once. I’ve done the open-mics on Tuesday, Saturday and Sunday so far. I’m doing one tonight so I’ll have one for Monday.
My other goal is just to be somewhat decent. I don’t want to come across as one of the people that you feel sorta sorry for, or who you just clap out of respect for. I don’t have any illusions of being amazing after just a few shows, but I do want to be OK.
Maybe that’s actually asking too much, too early. It probably is, to be honest. Ok I’ll change it. A goal that I really want is to be able to not run out of breath while I’m singing. I notice this happening a lot. I’ll run out of breath which causes me to kinda just say the words, as oppose to sing them. I have a hard time remembering to inhale and knowing when to inhale. It almost feels like rubbing my belly and patting my head all at the same time. I watched some videos today that talk about how to breath properly. I started doing what she said and I immediately noticed that it was just easier to breath in general. I realized that I always breath with the focus on my face. I think that has a lot to do with why I feel that my nose doesn’t work properly. I was probably breathing too quickly and sharply through my nose, causing it to kinda close. Know I’m focusing on expanding my diaphragm when I inhale, and that seems to make it much easier to fill my lungs completely with air. Before it always felt like I had to take two breaths through my nose to get enough oxygen.
I’m really wanting to write the random stories, but I’m not interested in posting them to Commaful anymore. Every time I write one that I really like, usually the ones that are super random and don’t make much sense, they get a handful of likes and people commenting things like ‘what is this’ or ‘I don’t get it’. I hate checking what people say. It’s hard to ignore it. I’ve got 16,139 followers, which is quite an accomplishment, but it really doesn’t seem that exciting anymore. I don’t really care. I kinda just want to delete the account. It’s definitely given me a bunch of confidence but at this point I don’t really feel that I’m get anything out of it.
Make up your mind today and then throw all the rocks into the ocean. Just be free for fucks sake. Take all that shit and burn it in time. Look away. Don’t look at the vortex. Feel it burning your ass. Make sure that it’s behind you.
It’s gone now. Feel the cool feeling of starting from scratch. It’s amazing to suck again. It’s humbling and powerful. Get used to sucking all over again. Get used to starting from scratch. Be talented in a bunch of things, not just one thing. Don’t keep all your sardines in one basket. A wolf will come along and eat them all up. Or a Nazi. They’ll shoot them with guns. They fucking love to shoot things. They love to kill.