April 1, 2022
Today is the first day of April. It’s snowing outside, but its not that cold so its all just melting. I went on a run this morning and then read for a little while. I’m reading ‘Change By Design’. It’s interesting. I played some guitar as well. I was working on the songs I’m gonna perform.
Most of the open-mics allow ten minute sets, so Ive been thinking of taking a bunch of the songs I wrote during my song writing challenge and smashing them together into these little medleys. I’m think of doing ‘Read Together’ ‘Love Her Hair’ ‘Office Building Full of Bees’ as the first song. ‘Amy’ and ‘Annica’ would be the the second song. The only thing I‘m sorta unsure of is the first song. I go through ‘Read Together’ once, but then I go through it again but a lot heavier. I don’t know if it sounds kinda sloppy, since it’s just me doing everything and it’s kinda hard to play all that stuff and sing. It’s the kinda thing that would probably sound really cool if I get it really tight, but might sound kinda messy otherwise. I’d like to work towards making it work.
I’ve been pretty interested in thinking about why it’s sometimes hard for me to do the things I know I need to do. I don’t understand why I grumble about leaving the house to go downtown to do things I know I’ll feel good about. I was thinking how it’s very similar to how I was with weed and alcohol. I would start the day saying I wasn’t gonna smoke or drink, but at some point I would entertain the thought of just doing them that night. As soon as that first thought was planted it was all over. I was pretty much guaranteed to smoke or drink, and even if I didn’t want to, it was extremely hard to resist what felt like the enormous gravity that had snowballed throughout the day, beginning way back when I had that initial thought.
With things like going to perform at open-mics or going to the art gallery it’s the same sorta concept. I start the day thinking that I’m definitely going to do those things, but at some point I have this little thought that maybe I won’t go. I tell myself that I’ll maybe stay home and be super productive (a similar thing I’d tell myself when deciding whether to smoke). Once I’ve had that first thought it becomes likely that I’m not gonna end up going.
I feel so good and proud of myself after every time I decide to go. I always felt horrible and ashamed after I smoked weed or drank.
The fact that Alan Carr’s book seemed to totally rewire my brain into getting rid of the desire to smoke has made me wonder how I can do something similar with getting myself to do things I know I should do. It’s usually the case that the hardest part is just stepping out the door. Once I’m walking I never change my mind and turn around. I already feel good and proud once I’m out the door. It’s juts before I’ve taken that first step that I have to convince myself. I don’t understand how to help myself with this.
I had a weird dream last night. I was in the living room with Liam when we suddenly heard a girl playing guitar and singing. The music was coming from my bedroom. She was playing my song ‘Read Together’. We got super scared and ran outside. Once on the front lawn we yelled up to dad who was in his room on the top floor. We asked him to go into the hallway and listen to see if he could hear her. He went to check. He returned to the window and confirm that he could hear somebody. I got super scared. I felt that there was a ghost in my room. I thought that I’d never be willing to return to my room again. I woke up, in my room of course. I think I was a little weirded out at first but then I quickly relaxed when I realized it was just a dream. I was still a little spooked.
Eating Some Cloud
The little boy raised his arm towards the sky and tried to grab a piece of cloud.
“Put that down!” Screamed his mother, as the boy placed a piece of the cloud into his mouth. She forced his mouth open with construction tools. She grabbed the cloud with her free hand and threw it away.
The boy started to cry. His tears became big and juicy and bright blue. They welled up and then fell to the earth. They bounced a few times before exploding. All of Holland became flooded. The people ran for the hills, hoping that the higher ground might save them.
The mother began apologizing profusely for her sons behaviour. She cursed herself and hoped that it was all just a dream.