June 7, 2022
It’s very rainy outside. It’s quite cozy. I feel a slight sense of urgency. I don’t really know why. Everything is ok. I guess I’m stressed about passport stuff. I wish that I had my passport and that I had my Australian Visa. I really wish I had those things taken care of now.
I spent 3 weeks smoking weed. I don’t think I’ve written in all that time. 3 weeks ago yesterday I was walking home from my U of T class. I just had this weird feeling that I needed to smoke. I had been quit for quite a while. I didn’t want to smoke. I felt like it was important that I smoke for some reason. I got home and felt super confused. I really felt like something was telling me to smoke, but I was just so scared that if I did I would feel addicted again.
So I went out and smoked. That night was actually good. I found that I overcame some sort of fear I had to do with weed. Because I’d been meditating for like a month, I was able to observe the panic that begins to set in when I’m high. I was able to sit through it. It didn’t take control of me. I was able to walk past people on the boardwalk without freaking out.
The next night nana called me at like 9:30 pm asking if I would come over and fix her TV. I didn’t really want to, but again, I felt this feeling like I should smoke weed. So I bought a joint and then went to her house. I smoked on the way home, and that was also a really interesting experience. I had this weird thing about smoking weed and walking to and from Nana’s house. For like the last 7 years it was this thing that I always did because I expected it to be fun, but it always ended up being overwhelming. It never ended up being fun. This time I didn’t put my headphones on to listen to music. I just walked the route I always did, and it was ok. I didn’t freak out. I felt like I had overcome something.
The next night Carter had a friend over. AGAIN I felt like I should smoke weed. I always felt like I was unable to smoke weed around people. I felt that being high around others was when the anxiety was at its worst. I smoked with Carter and his friend and then played a board game with them. I was able to sit and observe the anxiety. I was able to get through it, without having to get up and leave. By the time we went to bed I really felt like I’d overcome something.
At the end of those three days I felt like I had overcome the 3 big areas of anxiety associated with weed: Walking along the boardwalk, walking to and from Nana’s house, and being around people. Those were three areas that I always felt I just couldn’t handle. It was really really nice to feel that I’d dealt with those anxieties.
At this point I felt like I was finally finished with weed. Only problem was that I’d smoked 3 days in a row and I felt addicted again. Half of me didn’t want to keep smoking. I wanted to get back to all the meditation. I couldn’t seem to control it. I was back to smoking every day, and my ability to deal with the anxiety went away. It was interesting to really observe myself sinking day by day. The further I got away from meditating the less and less I was able to deal with stress and anxiety. I was even skipping classes just to smoke. I was smoking during the day. I was going to work high.
Eventually I realized I was back in the nightmare. I knew I wasn’t in control anymore. The weed was in charge again. I realized it was time to read ‘Allen Carr’s EasyWay to Quit Smoking’ again.
I spent a couple days reading it for the third time. That book fascinates me. By the end of reading it I was finished with smoking. I smoked the last joint on Sunday, and today is Tuesday. I feel so fucking happy and relieved to be free again. Now I can get back to all that exciting stuff, like recording my dreams. I could never remember my dreams when I went to bed still high. I have energy again, and I’m gonna be able to save money again.
Dreams
I was having sex with someone. I don’t who it was. After it was done I walked into a park and was talking with Carter. I think he asked if I was drunk when I had sex. I said no. He said that he’d never had sex sober, and that the idea scared him. I told him it scared me at first too but that I got used to it.
I’m with Matthew and some couple. The girl is telling us that she was always surprised that Matthew and I hung out so much, because whenever she was around the two of us she felt an uncomfortable energy. She felt tension. She said she still hung out with us all time though, maybe because she liked the two of us so much. It was just when Matthew and I were together that it seemed to create a weird tension.
I was nodding my head in agreement, hoping Matthew wouldn’t see that. I was surprised when Matthew said that he understood what she was saying. He said maybe we continued to hang out because we really just liked each other a lot, regardless of the tension that always seemed to arise.
As this took place I was seeing the image of being on a scooter flying through the sky. It felt like the sky was connected to the handle bars somehow.
I was on the playground at Balmy Beach looking for somewhere to pee. Some man comes up to me and asks if I’m an only-child. He was wearing all denim. Then I was playing some games with the kids on the playground.
I’m in the van with dad. We’re in a hurry to get to a school. I thought that we were hurrying because we wanted to register a name on a list. I think I thought that we were trying to register Liam’s name on a list, so that he could get into the school. There were only a few available slots. We pulled up to some red lights. There were lots of other cars. Dad drove right through in order to get ahead of all the other cars. We knew that they were headed to the same place.
When we got there I found out that I was wrong about our reason for going there. We got out of the car and started to unload all this stuff from the van. It was almost like a yard sale. All the other cars showed up and they were taking the stuff that we were getting rid of.