February 2, 2022
His tiny feet are the stuff of legend. People say that the Church is where the man first came to public awareness.
It was the middle of summer, and the townspeople had just returned from their jog along the river. They shuffled into church, sweating and out of breath. They all took their seats and grabbed themselves a Bible. Their sweaty fingers made the pages damp and moist.
“ALL RISE!” Ordered a priest at the front. The people stood. “Before we get started today, I’d just like to thank Martha for last night's dinner. She really made a delicious feast, didn't she!” The room smiled and nodded in agreement.
“I’m happy you enjoyed it!” Chirped Martha. “You are all invited to next week’s dinner! My wife and I host a party every Saturday evening!”
“Fantastic!” Declared one man.
“My!” Said another. “You sure know how to satisfy a belly, is that not so- IS THAT NOT SO?!!?!!”
“We are so grateful,” smiled the priest. “Ok, so today I’d like to draw your attention towards-”
“I HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD,” roared a man in the back.
“Well go on,” said the priest. “What it be?”
The man stood and marched forwards ever so slowly. “I happened to be at Martha’s home last night. I thought you all might like to know what happened to me!?”
“Go on,” said the priest, tapping his wrist watch. “Speed it up! We’ve got plenty to get to!”
“I was the first to arrive at her home,” continued the man. “I entered her house and took off my coat. I took off my gloves and even my hat, then I took off my shoes…”
“I want this man out!” Shrieked Martha, pointing towards the man but looking at the priest with desperation.
“Order- ORDER!!!” Declared the priest, as the townspeople began to grumble and stir in their seats. “Let the man finish his tale! Go on now, lad.”
“Thank ye,” said the man. “As I was saying, I removed my shoes and walked into Martha’s living room, whereupon she took one look at my feet and asked me to leave.”
“Is this true?” Asked the priest, looking at Martha with a disappointed expression.
“His feet were too small! It disturbed me, as well as my Irish Game Hens!” Explained Martha. “I didn’t like the look of those feet!”
The priest bowed his head for a moment, as if pondering his mighty Creator. After a while he raised his head, his eyes now misty with tears. “This church is a place of healing, a place of community. A place where we can come together, whatever our differences might be! All are welcome and accepted, and based on those values, I hereby sentence Martha to 25 years behind bars.”
“OH LORD!” Yelped Martha, as the hall erupted into roars of joy. Following the commands of the priest, the townspeople got on their feet and hoisted Martha above their heads. They carried her out of the church amid such a racket that even the cows in the fields looked up to see what was happening.