Apr 25, 2024
I’m at home. It feels weird calling this home. I just don’t feel at ease. I guess there’s a lot of things that I could do about that. The lights here in the room are not pleasant. They’re really bright, and they’re cold. I wanted a lamp since I arrived but I never got around to getting one.
My roommates are friendly, but I don’t feel any connection. I just feel like I’m in somebody else’s house.
I started drinking again on Saturday. It was completely unexpected. I’ve been craving weed for a really long time. It’s been slowly building up in me. I’ve been fantasizing smoking a joint by the boardwalk in Toronto. It’s been in my dreams. I hadn’t tried very hard to get any here in Christchurch. I figured it would probably be best that I didn’t. It’s not like Canada where I can just walk into a shop and buy a joint. You have to know people here.
I found a Facebook group where people seemed to be selling. I didn’t post for a little while.
On Saturday I was with Mark and Jayne. I posted a message that morning asking if anyone knew how I could pick up in. My message wasn’t being posted. It had to first be approved by the moderator.
I was getting restless by the time I got home. It was getting late and I was really craving at that point. It got to the point where I felt already high, or dazed. This mania sets in when I start to crave. My vision seems to get funny. It’s like everything looks a bit fuzzy. It’s the restless feeling of having decided to get high and then not being able to do it. At some point I started considering beer. I hadn’t been thinking about alcohol at all before. It was just weed. I started craving it and fantasizing how it would feel. I just wanted to ‘altered’ in someway.
So I walked to the grocery store. I bought two 6-packs and cigarettes. It came to about $70. I drank a bit in the park. I smoked a few cigarettes. Then I came back and hung out in my room for a bit.
Eventually I left the house and looked for a bar. It turned out to be a very long and extremely boring night. I just wandered from place to place, chatting with random people. It’s what always happens. The walk home was particularly depressing. I just wanted to be dead. I felt so hopeless.
I drank again on Tuesday night. I bought another 12 beers after work. I had about 10 at home. I have foggy memories of that, exact I remember going downstairs and vomiting in the toilet. That was weird, because I don’t think I’ve ever thrown up so early in the night.
I went out after that and started wandering the streets. I bumped into some other guy at one point. I started walking with him. He had weed and he gave me about a gram in exchange for cigarettes. I didn’t have any so we went and bought some.
I remember walking with him for a long time. I don’t know where we were going or what the plan was. It might’ve been to go back to his place to smoke weed. At some point we separated at a bus stop. He was going to stay there and catch a bus. I had no idea where I was but then I recognized one of Christchurch’s only tall buildings not far away. So I walked in that direction.
I went to to some bars and just chatted with people. It was pretty boring as usual. I stared heading home at the end of the night.
I wanted to smoke the weed first, though. I was trying to pack it into one of my cigarettes. It wasn’t working. Two random guys showed up. I started chatting with them.
I can’t really remember what we said but suddenly I was walking with them. They had a pop can and we were going to turn that into a bong. We sat on a ledge and hung out for a little while. I gave them one of my beers. After I’d smoked I got up and headed home.
That walk was what I had been craving for months, which was to be drunk and high listening to music I’ve made. That’s like peak pleasure in my mind. It turned out to be pretty bland and dull. I felt so numb and out of it that I could hardly pay attention to the music. I was just in my head. It felt like dreaming, or being asleep. I have almost no memory of the walk home.
I was going to go to AA today. There was one at 6:30 pm by Hagley Park. I finished work at 3. I was going to hang out in the library for a couple hours. The library was closed because today is Anzac Day, which is like remembrance day. I walked home instead.
I haven’t been to AA in Christchurch. That’s probably why all of this happened. All of the meetings are at weird times and nowhere near my place. In Melbourne they were everywhere, and all day long. The sizes of the two cities aren’t comparable, though. Melbourne has around 5 million and Christchurch has around half a million.
Tomorrow will be my last day working with Dimitri. I’m very happy about that. He will be in Greece for 7 weeks. I don’t really expect to still be here by the time he gets back. I kind of hope I’ll be gone. I’m planning on going to Montreal to stay with Mami for a little bit. I’m not too sure after that.