Jan 11, 2023
Hope is not forgotten easily. It keeps coming back. I don’t know what anything is. I just don’t know where I am. I feel a body. An awareness watches everything. But I can never find the awareness. I can’t identify it. It’s like I only know, see, feel, hear, think what I’m not.
And then comes the voice. It’s like it wants me to stop asking these questions. It basically says that there’s no big answer. That it’s all just random. It’s all basically an accident. You’re just a chimp. There is no point to anything.
But then I remember the UFO’s. I remember how shattering that was to my idea of reality. It changed everything for me. I felt like I couldn’t trust anything after that. What else had I been lied to about? And why couldn’t the so-called experts of our society see it? They’re in the position of being the ‘knowers’ and yet they couldn’t see something that was so obvious? I felt weird trusting anything else they said after that. I just couldn’t understand why they didn’t see it. It was so obvious. It was right there.
There’s an anger. I observe it. I don’t want to fight it. I don’t want to be its slave. I will let it be. I will observe it. When it becomes strong it takes over my whole body and I tighten up. Then I’m suffering. I’m the first victim of my anger.
There’s so much to do. But why? There’s a fight between wanting to prove myself, and wanting to be rid of the self.
Now I’m blocked. It’s when I start to think that I need to say important stuff. That’s when it stops flowing and I get real critical. It’s not good. But everything is natural. Everything.
I want to live a life where I’m fulfilled. Starting the habit is the hardest part, but once it’s a habit than it’s so easy. It’s so easy for me to wake up and start meditating. It’s just habit. It used to be so easy to run every morning. I didn’t even have to think about it. Now I need to form the habit of writing every day. I need to also form the habit of performing music every day. I want to get to where I look totally natural and relaxed doing it. It’s just coming out of me. I’m not there anymore. It’s just the sound, and I’m not getting in the way. Like how it was working behind the counter at the Fox. It got to be this dance. I could do it with my eyes closed. And then customers would sometimes say they liked watching me work. That it was almost hypnotizing. I want to get to that place with performing music.
I also really want to have a website. God do I want that. My own spot on the Internet with just my things. No comments or likes or anything like that. I want to be able to create and post without ever having to worry about what people think. It’s just an internet diary basically.