Jan 10, 2023
I’m all alone in a body. I was thinking that for the longest time. Then I guess something changed. I don’t know what but its so interesting. I saw that controlling is strange. It immediately begins a chain reaction. It can be dangerous.
I’ve really been trynna think what I want. On one level I don’t want anything. I just want to sit here and feel the present moment, because I’m starting to understand just how much there is to feel and observe. There’s just more and more and more. And I realize that everything I buy or anything I do kinda adds to the distractions. I’m sure I can get to a place where I’m so rooted in the present that these things can’t distract me. It’s just that I feel funny when I start to think about what I want. I almost feel guilty, like I’m not aloud to dream.
I boiled it down to two things.
I want to know the truth.
I want to travel the world playing my music for people.
I realize both those things are more like paths. They don’t really have a final destination, which is ok. They’re more like a lifestyle, I guess.
I want to know the big questions. I want to be so rooted in the present moment. I want to understand my mind. I want to know who I am and why I’m here. I want to know why anything is here. That confuses me sometimes. It seems strange that anything should be here. But I don’t want to just read a book or follow a teaching and have my questions answered that way. I want to know on a deeper level. On an experiential level. I don’t want to just read about water and understand it intellectually. I want to drink it. Water is just an example. I don’t want to have to believe in things. I also want to be totally content with where I’m at. I don’t want to feel that because I don’t know everything, I’m therefore lacking. I realize that I can feel totally content exactly where I am. And I want to sink deeper into that as well. I don’t want to chase these questions, hoping that they will relieve some dissatisfaction with the present moment.
I really want to travel the planet sharing my music and my writing and my photos. I don’t know why. I just feel like it’s something I’m meant to do. I want to have my own website, though. I don’t want to have to be tied to anyone else’s app or platform. I also want to have enough money. I want to be comfortable that way. I want to be totally free and comfortable financially. I have this vision of having a blog where I can post my writing, my photos and all the music I make. I see myself playing music on the streets in New York, in Paris, in Tokyo, in Rio. And then I see myself going for lunch and meditating in a park. And then I see myself going to a recording studio! And then writing about all that and putting it in the blog! The writing, the photos from the day, the music I played and recorded! I wanna be travelling around the world like that! Free! Like a bird. I can feel that feeling of freedom in my gut. That excitement. I feel myself being so grateful and pleased with myself for choosing that path. I want to be doing it because it’s fun and uncertain.