March 8, 2022
I just got back from a run. I didn’t go first thing in the morning because I figured it was too cold. I was really buzzing after I’d finished reading and drinking tons of coffee so I decided to try and burn off all the energy by running. It was actually nice, and not nearly as cold now that it’s noon.
As I was reading today I suddenly had this thought of making a video and showing it at the Fox. It’s never occurred to me before. I’ve literally never had that fantasy. I was picturing in my head this vision of making a video with lots of footage from around the neighbourhood, where the Beaches almost played a character. Then I had the vision of printing off lots of little posters and putting them up all around the Beaches advertising that the show would be held at the Fox Theatre, for free. I then imagined the night of the show, where a line of people would snake around the block, full of people eager to see what the show might be like. I then imagined that I’d be inside serving popcorn as usual, not drawing any attention to myself and keeping it secret that I was the person behind the show. I imagined the auditorium packed to the brim with crowds of people on the sidewalk being turned away because the heater was full. Of course I imagined beautiful girls present, eager to see what I had created. I didn’t spend too much time thinking about the actual content of the video- just the audience's reaction. I imagined myself standing at the back of the theatre, surrounded by the sounds of laughter and excitement due to what the audience was seeing on the screen.
I imagined the audience leaving the theatre thrilled and feeling that they’d been a part of something far exceeding their expectations. They’d be chatting amongst themselves about the video, asking one another if they’d noticed the famous locations from their neighbourhood. And of course, it wouldn’t be one of my imaginations without a beautiful girl coming up to me after it’s all done and wanting to chat.
So yah, it was this fantasy that suddenly just exploded in my head. Just the idea of making videos and showing them at the Fox suddenly seemed so cool. The idea that the neighbourhood would grow to expect such original content from the Fox seems really cool, almost as if the Theatre was breaking into creating a studio of their own, just like how Netflix has other studios' content, but they also invest heavily in producing original content of their own.
I also love the idea that it would all be free, and the Fox would just make money on concessions, as opposed to tickets. It seems like a fantasy I would’ve had for years, but I only imagined it this morning. I think it has to do with the book I'm reading, ‘My Life In Art’. It’s an autobiography by Konstantin Stanislavsky, and it’s made me spend more time thinking about the theatre than I generally would have. In particular, it's made me spend more time thinking about the actual ‘event’ of showing a thing. In this day and age, we’re so accustomed to releasing a thing either through stores, movie theatres, over the internet, etc. That idea of the spectators being the final piece in the puzzle is interesting to me. That constant feedback that constantly determines the course of the production. You don’t get that with a movie or an album.
Stand up comedians and live musicians talk about that feeling a lot. They describe it as this sorta feedback loop that begins to exist over the course of the show. I like that. You can sorta get it in movies when the audience really starts to come together. You can really feel it in comedy movies. It’s like the whole audience becomes one and we’re all bouncing off of each other.
So yah, that germ of an idea was planted in my head today. The thing is, I don’t want to get into the habit of using the audience as my starting point. I’ve learned from making my website how much the starting point determines the way the piece will manifest itself. I’ve also learned from reading this book that I’m not alone when it comes to having fantasies of playing for the crowd, and for young girls in particular. He talked a lot about so many actors, including himself early in his career, played only for the admiration of teenage girls in the audience. I can relate to that. I’ve always had this strong desire to make stuff that is true and artistic, but there’s also been this habit of using the idea of girls as almost a fuel to actually get off my ass and make stuff. It works in that it gets me to start, but I understand now that whatever foundation you begin with, it will colour the final piece in one way or another. I guess that the important thing for me is to spend time finding what foundations are most ideal.
In the book, he’s currently talking a lot about how he sorta had this revelation that in order to make true art, one must begin within oneself. I really like that. It reminds me of meditation and the things I’ve been thinking a lot about lately in regards to feeling, and how it seems to be the only thing I ever know to be real.
I don’t like the certainty of that statement, however. That’s a whole other thing I’ve been thinking about. It’s sorta like this habit or philosophy that I've been trying to follow, which is the idea of always trying to land somewhere in the middle when it comes to predicting things. I think I'll write about it some more later, but it has to do with trying to say ‘maybe’ whenever possible. I don’t mean outwardly, although that’s probably a good idea too. I mean inwardly, when I’m thinking. Say for example I’m thinking about some idea I have for how to make money. Usually I’ll start by asking myself ‘is there a way that I can make money that I’m totally comfortable with and doesn’t impede on my art, as well as on the feeling I instil in other people.’ Now, in the past, I would try and always say ‘yes’. I was trying to basically be as optimistic as possible, I suppose, but I was also trying to think in terms of probabilities. They always say that the universe is so large that anything you can imagine is happening somewhere. So based on this, I figured that the answer to anything I can imagine must be ‘yes.’
The problem with this, I now feel, is that the effect of saying ‘yes’ is similar to saying ‘no’, in that as soon as you pick one or the other, you’ve sorta shut a door. You’ve kind of closed yourself off in a way. Even if the answer is yes, I still get the feeling that when I say it, I’ve sorta limited myself to considering other possibilities. The other problem of saying yes, is that it tends to make me just as anxious as saying no.
Say, for example, I ask myself ‘is it possible to make a song that makes me feel such-and-such a feeling.’ If I answer yes, all that does is tell me that the song can exist, but it doesn’t do anything to tell me how to MAKE the song. Saying yes sometimes makes me feel stupid! I feel that since that the answer is yes, but I haven’t the slightest idea of how to make the song, I must be stupid, and my talents and lack of determination are the reason for the song not yet existing in front of me! It’s this constant feeling of not really being good enough.
Now, when I ask the same question- ‘is it possible to make a song that allows me to feel such and such an emotion’ and this time I answer ‘maybe’, I suddenly feel this funny glow in my body. In my head, I sort of envision this glowing orb. I know there’s something there, but the specifics aren’t yet determined. It’s still in the realm of probabilities. Now, this is where the weird thing happens, because assuming that what I said before was true, that anything you can imagine is happening somewhere, then you’d be silly to answer ‘maybe’. Of course the idea is possible! And yet by ignoring this and sticking with the answer of ‘maybe’ I get this wonderfully fuzzy and magical feeling that I’ve left all the channels open, and that I haven't’ closed myself off.
My back hurts. I’m always so paranoid that it's a sign of cancer. I’ve heard that back pain is a symptom of cancer. I need to stretch more.
I’ve been walking a dog everyday at about 3 or 4 pm. I signed up for this volunteer dog walking thing a few months back when I was super bored at home. They finally messaged me about a week ago saying someone in my neighbourhood was in need of my service! The dog’s name is Harry, and his owner is Brooke. Brooke had a hip replacement about 3 months ago and still has some pain when walking her dog. So far it’s been a very nice thing for me to do. It’s at a perfect time, since 3 and 4 is generally when my brain kinda turns off anyways. It’s a great excuse to go out and get some fresh air. It’s also been an interesting way to learn about myself. Harry is a very big dog, and he’s still only a year and half old, so I was expecting it to be difficult for me to control him. It turns out it's been very easy. He’s super calm with me, which makes me feel good about myself. It kinda tells me that I must be giving off a calm and relaxed vibe.
I’ve also made some changes to my website. I changed the way the ‘months’ section is displayed. I’ve gotten rid of the names of the months and just gone with numbers- 1 through 12. I’ve also changed the image that they sit on. Before they sat on little thumbnails of something I’d made. Now they sit on a simple colour. Each number is on a different colour, and so the overall effect of all of them together looks quite nice and playful.