August 10, 2022
Today is pretty. There’s construction going on outside. There always is in the summer. It’s pretty loud. They’re tearing up the street.
I’m going to do a 10 day meditation retreat in a week. I’m really excited- I think I’m gonna get a lot out of this one.
I started reading The Convoluted Universe this morning. It’s really exciting so far.
Last night was interesting. When I was lying in bed to go to sleep I was just feeling this intense energy in my chest. I didn’t go for a walk before bed, which I normally do. I debated getting up to take the walk but I didn’t. I fell asleep pretty quick. Well at about 2 am I woke up. I don’t really remember waking up. I just remember I was standing over on the carpet. I think I was walking back and forth? There was this enormous energy. It’s the kinda feeling or sensation that has happened a couple times before. It’s hard to explain, and the dream that was happening is even harder to explain, mainly because I don’t really remember.
The common thread between these experiences is always the intensity of the potential energy. That’s the part that always scares me quite a bit. It’s not so much that the energy I’m feeling is so strong. It’s the awareness that there is this unimaginable amount of potential energy. I remember sleeping at nana’s one time and in the dream I just saw all these pipes. I was looking at some sort of huge machine, or system. I think it wanted to take over the world. The energy that I felt that it could potentially unleash was enormous, and it scared me. It woke me up crying and nana came. I remember saying that ‘it was too late’.
There was another one like that when I was little. In the dream I was in a war and I was hiding from soldiers. They were looking for me. The entity of their army or government or country or whatever was so so powerful. I had to hide from them. In the dream I was in this little ravine and went under a bridge. On the other side I met this thing. I don’t remember what it looked like, except that it was the source of this energy. It was so strong. And it was evil. It was laughing at me. It was just so powerful. There’s a certain quality that these dreams have that I can’t explain in words. It’s actually closer to a ‘taste’. I can’t remember that quality too well once I’ve woken up.
Last night I had it again. I don’t really remember the dream. I do remember that this time I was the one building up the energy. It was almost like maybe I was about to roll a die, and I was the one determining the potential energy or influence of a given outcome. I remember at first the energy wasn’t anything unusual, but I deliberately raised it. I was thinking ‘well what if it was stronger- stronger than anyone or anything could ever comprehend’ and once I started thinking that I began to feel it. And it was scary, because it was growing really fast and it felt like it was passing this point of no return. But it was like it hadn’t happened yet. It was just a potential. But if I kept building it up then it would become a reality that I wouldn’t be able to reverse. And at this point I was awake. Maybe not fully awake, but more like sleep walking. I was walking on the carpet experiencing this potential.
That’s the closest way in words I can put it.
That’s the closest way in words I can put it.
So anyways, I decided to get dressed and go for a walk. The energy that was in my body was so strong and powerful. It kinda felt like I was being pulled apart energetically, like I was splitting apart. It was stronger than taking the LSD. So I went for a walk. I felt kinda scared for a little bit. I sat on a bench by the water for a bit. I tried to calm myself by feeling my body, but that’s when I would realize just how strong the energy was. It actually helped to distract myself. I saw a racoon and said hi and that little distraction really helped. I went back home, took a bite from someone’s spicy burrito and got back in bed. I felt much better at that point.
I wonder if any of that had anything to do with the day yesterday. I was a very eventful day. I went downtown and played music pretty much the whole day. It’s the kinda day I’ve wanted to make real for so long. I started at the bridge by the CN Tower. I played guitar and sang for about an hour. I made a little boy piss himself! He got really excited while watching me. I saw all this pee suddenly running down his legs.
After that I played out front of the AGO for a little bit. Then I met up with Bryan. He said I looked a lot skinnier. April had said the same thing. I feel very healthy and full of energy, so I think it’s ok. I don’t want to do something that’s going to be bad for my health, but I do think I’m eating less. But I don’t think that’s bad. I feel good.
I got a slice of pizza and then we sat in Grange Park. I played my guitar and sang while Bryan did some reading for school.
Afterwards I played an open mic at Free Times Cafe. Bryan went home to do school work. We met up afterwards for a bit. I took the subway home.
I felt pretty good about the day. I’d played music a ton and actually made money doing it! I wanted to do this for the practise of playing, and to maybe make a positive impact on people. I didn’t think I would make much money. I’m making far more than I expected. I really want to help raise the vibration of this planet if I can. It’s hard to know if I’m doing anything. I would like to find a way that I could reliably measure the impact I make on my surroundings, positive or negative. That would be such a cool ability to have. I want to optimize my behaviour so that it raises the vibration wherever I go. I don’t want to be playing music to make money. The money is a nice bonus. I want to feel like I’m helping in some way, even if it’s helping at a subconscious level, or even if it’s helping beings that I can’t see. Or maybe it’s helping me more than anyone else? I don’t know. But I would like to be able to measure and know these things. But it’s ok if I don’t know too, until much later.
It’s interesting that this dream was the first I can remember where I was the one responsible for creating the energy. Those other dreams involved something or someone else creating it.