Young Friends

May 11, 2023

    Dreams 
  

      I was walking along. I saw Aksel, Owen and Nigel up ahead. They were running together towards a playground. As they pass by Aksel acknowledges me. I run with them. We run down a hill and arrive at the park. We get on this train. The train goes around in circles in the playground. There was lots of laughing. We’re our current age in the dream. 

One of Elon Musks rockets is taking off. It’s the largest rocket in the world. There’s one person inside. It’s just a test flight. The rocket takes off. It goes up and up, but not into space. The capsule with the pilot detaches and comes back down. It lands in the ocean. 

Ain't There More?

 April 10, 2023

    Life in one year. If I could do anything. 

    I would be performing music at shows. Not as on open-mic, but actually my own shows. I would be making music in a studio under some sort of contract. I’d be meeting and collaborating with really cool and creative people. I would feel free. Fulfilled. Excited. Grateful. I’d feel like I have a purpose and was making a contribution. 

    I would be doing something with my writing. I don’t really know what. I think a blog. That’s when it’s the funnest for me. 

    Basically I want to be doing what I’ve already been doing for years, but I just want to feel like people are interested and following along. 

    I think I’d like to continue the YouTube/travel/vlog type of videos. Also making my own music videos of course. 

    I’d like to be travelling the world, not having to worry about money. 

    I almost feel slightly weird writing these things, because at the end of the day what I really want is to feel fulfilled. And I don’t really know if I actually know what a fulfilled life will look like. I have ideas of what needs to happen for me to feel like I’m going somewhere. But I could end up being wrong. I think my biggest dream for life in a year would be to feel fulfilled. In terms of like a career. In general I feel fine. Like I’m a happy person. I’m just talking about what I’m doing with my life. The direction it’s going. How I’m spending my days. 

In Love

 April 6, 2023

    It’s all happening like a million miles an hour. Inside the vacuum there are layers of silt. You can often tear these apart and build great big beautiful girls. Good lord. It really is good for your soul.

    Have you ever seen the way the sky turns inside out? It’s a slow process. It happens one second at time. Don’t let it make you md. Just remember to breathe. Deep deep breaths. That’s all we can do these days. Something big is taking place, and all you need to do is let it happen naturally. 

    Ian is the coolest bricklayer. He was actually Brin without any dignity. God, am I in love again?

    There’s a cute girl over there and we looked at each other a couple times and now I’m completely in love. I’m losing my mind like some sorta freak. I don’t even care. But I do? I wanna cuddle.

    I should do stuff every day. I love it. Well that’s not always true. I feel high when I do it, when I’ve completed it. But sometimes it hurts when no one cares- AW SHUT UP!!!!!!!

    YOU'RE HERE ON EARTH AT THE COOLEST TIME!
You can be a part of it if you want. You just got be consistent! Are you consistently shit? Yay or nay? Be honest. 

Leaving Caloundra

 Apr 3, 2023

    I’m at the Brisbane Airport. My flight leaves in 3 and a half hours. I feel sorta stressed and hungry. I have a bit of a headache. 

    There’s so much potential. Everywhere. And yet I feel completely confused. I don’t know what direction to take. I’ll pick a path. I’ll walk down it for a little while. Then all the excitement and joy will fade. Then I do the next thing. I guess that’s fine. I just wish I could figure out how to make that sorta life work. This is the same kinda stuff I was talking about in the past.

    
I’m really happy to be leaving Caloundra. It felt weird living with Pablo and Yoga. Even today was weird. I woke up and Yoga was in the kitchen. I was on the patio. I was making weird noises, trying to get her attention. She completely ignored me. It was weird, like she was trying super hard to ignore me. I went for a run and came back. I walked in and she wouldn’t look at me. I said hi and asked how she was, and she was like ‘good’. I figured I must’ve made another mistake somehow. The weirdest part was this. I grabbed my clean laundry from outside and headed back to my room. On the way I passed the driveway and saw that she was in the car pulling out of the driveway! She knew I was leaving and she didn’t seem to care at all! She hadn’t said bye or anything! She was just gonna leave without saying anything. 

    So I waved and said bye. She was like ‘oh yah bye. I’ll be back later, I might see you’. I thought that was so weird. 

    Pablo was way different. He gave me like three hugs. He told me he loved me, he kept wishing me good luck and all that. He even gave me $50!

    So yah I left at around noon. I didn’t get a proper good-bye with Yoga. It just feels so petty. Maybe she’s going through something really hard. I don’t know. I’m sure I did something. That’s how it’s been. I found out through my mom that they were complaining about certain things I was doing. But they wouldn’t tell me. They’d just keep their mouths shut and then act weird around me. I’m just so happy to be getting out of that house. Weird things like that were just constantly happening. It was fucking with my head. 

    I was gonna leave early and take the train to Brisbane. Pablo told me about a shuttle service that would take me from Caloundra to the airport. I figured I’d do that. So I took my time getting ready. When it was time to leave I went to book my seat. I found out that it’s the kinda thing you’re supposed to book ahead of time, like a couple days. So I figured I’d take an uber to the train station. But that’s when I found out my credit card was fucked. I can’t make online payments with it. Every time I try it wants to send a verification code to my old cell-phone number. I’ve gone into the TD website and changed the phone number for verification codes. But it didn’t do shit. Every website, including the Government of Canada, keeps sending it to my old phone. It’s fucking stupid. It really is. There’s certain things about this society that are absolute pathetic. These organizations seem to get dumber and more sluggish the bigger they get. 
It’s also my fault. I knew that I should’ve called TD. I tried a couple days ago. It always says I’ve entered the wrong number. I’ve tried using the number it says to use when calling from Australia. It doesn’t make a fucking difference. It’s fucking stupid. I think from now on I’m gonna have a PayPal account? That might be easier for traveling. 

    It just feels like nothings really been going anywhere for so long. Like years. I just wish I had some stability. I wish I had some sorta life that I really felt good about. It just feels like everything’s always a mess and nothing fits. 

Pooches

 Apr 1, 2023

    Where’d you go, Dad? He’s gone now. He disappeared so fast.

    I was sure of something, long ago. Now I’m not so sure. 

    What should I do today?

    You could make a video. You could record your vocals for some songs. You could practise presence.    You could plan your journey to the airport. You could do it all. 

    These dogs are so crazy. So hyper. What a funny couple of pooches. 

The Truth Is Vibrating

  Mar 30, 2023

The funniest think happened. I was floating through the trees. A powerful burst of energy shot up from the ground. The clouds became illuminated. The whole town became bright. I was everywhere. I was trying to understand where everything started.

What is that nothingness? It’s from there that it all begins. It’s like the ocean. And it’s like everything that exists keeps washing up on the shore. Just washing out of that nothingness. I am not sure how to enter it. It’s like I only exist after? What is it?

    What’s through it?

    I’m so interested in having a relationship with all the non-physical beings. I wanna know you guys so bad. I wanna learn and have guidance and even share my experiences with you. I wanna know who’s here! And how I know you. Where am I from? Who am I? How do we all know each other? I want to erode this doubt. I feel like there’s still so much of me that doesn’t believe. I guess it’s because I haven’t had enough visceral first hand experiences. Pretty much everything that I know comes from listening to other people. And that’s not really knowing. I am keen on direct experiences.

    Please come though me know. Say what you need to, whoever is there.

    Have you ever thought to look inside? Try it. See what you find in there. The reason you’re alone is because you’re living on the surface. Try exploring inside. Actually go within and see what’s there. Don’t always look outside for us. See your body like the earth, or like a great big ball of energy, and within it there is life. Try seeing it that way. Look inside the ball as opposed to looking out into space. 

    Feel us energetically. Over time you will be able to distinguish us based on our frequency. For now just feel whatever it is you feel. There is so much inside you. Spoiler alert- it’s all of creation! 

    I love you. You will find your truth. But remember that all that you’re looking for at this time is within you. INSIDE! Remember that. Now go meditate some more.

A Magical Meeting

 Mar 29, 2023

    A dream from last night. 

    I’m outside with a couple of other people. I notice UFO’s floating through the sky. I get super excited and run over to watch them fly away. I know right away that they’re man-made UFO’s. You can easily see the rivets and seams. They look clunky. As I’m watching them I notice some more UFO’s under the canopy of a tree. I get super excited because I know those aren’t from earth. They look much more beautiful. They have orbs of lights attached to their craft. But the crafts are super small! Like the size of a drone. 

    They start coming down to the ground. I tell all the people I’m with to sit down on the grass. I’ve rehearsed this experience so many times in my head. I always planned that if I had an encounter I would sit down cross legged in the position that I meditate. I don’t remember what happened next. The next thing I remember is that we’re talking with a group of beings. They’re the same size as us, but for some reason I feel like I’m looking up at them. It’s weird, because their ships are still tiny. I don’t know how they fit inside. 

    
I’m surprised because they look like Indigenous people. The man who’s talking to us has white paint on his body. I think their faces looked slightly different than ours. 
   

    They asked which one of us should be the one to take part in something. I can’t remember what that something was. I suggested one of  my friends, out of respect, but he said no, that it should be me. And so then I remember they were gifting me this orange ball. It looked like it was made of glass, but I think it was naturally forming. It was about the size of a soccer ball. They were really emphasizing the fact that there were these horizontals bumps on it. They said this represented how old it was. They said vertical bumps are more common, but this one was ancient.  

A Shishka In The Woods

  Mar 28, 2023

    I was sitting in a tunnel. I was observing the green grass. It was blowing like summer. What a sight. The blue sky was amazing. It really shone on everything. I was amazed. I walked back towards the forest. I saw that animals were waiting for me. They’d written the word ‘Help’ using sticks and branches. I looked at them. They were smiling. A few looked worried. I suddenly had the feeling that I should follow them. 

    We wandered into the woods. We walked for hours. It was getting dark. They took me deeper and deeper. We arrived outside a wooden house. There was smoke coming from the top of a chimney. The animals were pressing themselves against the back of my legs. They wanted me to continue. I walked to the door. I knocked three times.

    “Hello?” Said a voice from inside. “Who’s there?”

    I wasn’t sure how to respond. “I’m here because someone said you might need help- is everything ok?”

    I heard shuffling from inside. The heavy lock was removed and the door opened. There was a beautiful blonde woman. I couldn’t tell if she was very old or about twenty. It was  strange. We looked at each other for a moment. I felt a deep sadness. I wanted to reach out to her and hold her. I actually struggled to resist the sudden urge. 

    “Who sent you?” She asked. 

    “Someone in the woods,” I responded. “They said they’d heard someone crying.”

    The woman looked down. She looked stern for a moment. “Well it wasn’t me.” 

    I just stood there. I really didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know why I was there. I thought that maybe I should leave. Part of me hoped the conversation wouldn’t end. I really felt sad. 

    “What’s your name?” She asked. 

    “Kai,” I answered. 

    “I’m Claire. I gotta get back to cooking. I’m in the middle of making dinner.”

    “No worries, I understand,” I replied, nodding my head and turning around. I was slightly relieved that she’d made a decision.

    “But come back in the morning,” she said as I descended the steps. “There’s something I wanna show you inside the mountain. I’ve wanted to show somebody for so long.” 

    “What is it?” I asked. 

    “It’s hard to explain. Just come back and I’ll show you.”

    I walked back the way I came. The forest was pitch black. I could see the whole universe above the trees. I found some of the animals again. They had a look of pure delight. I kinda nodded at them, smiling slightly. I was feeling funny. I was excited for tomorrow. I didn’t know what to expect anymore. 

My Only Request

  Mar 22, 2023

    He was sitting at a round wooden table. All the beings were sat with him. They were still for some time. They observed the sensation of being. It was different for everyone. 
Someone finally raised their finger. It was time to start. A glowing disco ball descended from the ceiling. Everyone ripped off their robes and threw them away. It was getting steamy. They all poured themselves vodka and grinded their bodies against one another. They partied till the sun came up.

    What a bizarre life. I thought that I’m supposed to have a little more fun. How about some help? At least make me able to tune-in a bit more easily. 

    Aren’t I supposed to have Monday’s off? I thought that’s when I'm supposed to go to the river and fuck all the ducks. I thought that my ass was supposed to fall of. Didn’t I hear a promise being made? When do I get to leave my body. I just wanna leave for like a day. I just want a little break. I wanna come right back, that’s for sure. I know it’s a real honour to be here right now. But I would love to just know that everything will work out. I would love to just float up and be inside the sun for a little while. Couldn’t we arrange that? 

Me Wanna Help

  Mar 21, 2023

    Here is the truth. I’m a being of pure love. I’m a facet of the universe. I’m conscious. What a privilege. Im here to observe myself as love. Love in the face of hardship. Love in the face of darkness. It’s all a wild ride, that’s for sure. But I signed up for this. Maybe I’ve even done it before. I agreed to be here. Not only that, but I’m here at such a pivotal time in history. And not only that, but I’m here with the good fortune of having some musical abilities. I have some talents that I should be proud of. I am proud. I’m grateful. I want to have lived a good life. I want to make my 17 year old self proud. I wanna do great things. I wanna make really cool stuff while I’m here. I really really wanna help with this transition that the earth is going through. 

Time To Leave

  March 20, 2023

    I’m a lonely little monk. Im being thrown out like a rag doll. I was asked to get my things sorted out.

    I had a long chat with Yoga today. We figured the best thing would be for me to find somewhere else to stay. I think it’ll actually be really good. It’s what I wanted anyways, I just didn’t know how to do it. Now I gotta figure it out because I have no choice. I’m gonna apply to places in Melbourne and find a place there. It feels like the universe has been pulling me to Melbourne ever since I landed in Australia anyways. 

    Who knows what might happen. It’s gonna be good.

    Today is day-2 of no drinking. It’s a relief so far. I’m optimistic. I have to be honest with myself and put in the effort to making a difference. It’s about doing the things I don’t always wanna do.

    I’m good at working on my hobbies and passions. I’m not always so good at sitting down and doing the boring stuff. I’d like to take that stuff a bit more seriously. 

A Shiny Memory

  Mar 19, 2023

    I’m alone in a room with seven beings. They comfort be and tell me that everything will be just fine. Just be patient and receive. Stay in a place of positive vibration. Everything is taken care of. Everyone is waiting for me to arrive. It’s gonna be alright.

    How about some chicken. How about a taste? I don’t think I really need it to be honest. It’s quite shocking. I mean, the flavour is nowhere to be seen. What happened? My God. What a joke.

    The waiter was blown away. She took one sip and then vomited. She was being punished for bad breath. Now she’d know real pain. It was her time to shine. She fell to the floor and curled up like a sandwich. She was just down there, doing whatever. I don’t even wanna get into it.

A Kitchen of Nightmares

 Mar 18, 2023

    WRITE EVERYDAY YOU ASSHOLE!!! YOU GOT SO MUCH GOOD FOOTAGE YESTERDAY AND NOTHING TO SAY!!

    I’m like a shrimp. I’m floating like an asshole. I’ve got broads all around me. We’re all floating in this stew. It’s like Christmas. God, am I a lucky man.

    So next time you feel like giggling how about taking that pen and shoving it up your rear. What do ya think about that? Can you handle the truth? Stick it in and find out.

    So let’s get one thing painfully clear. I’m not here to help. I’m here to complain and dig up the hatchet. That’s right. I want chaos. I want things to fall apart. I want disorder. Good God do I love seeing small businesses fail.

    I’ll be honest. I’m addicted to Kitchen Nightmares. I don’t know how this happened. It’s absolutely shocking . I’m getting into a deep dark place with this show. Someone dig me the fuck outta here. 

Going Crazy Again

Mar 16, 2023

I was so close to drinking today. I don’t really know why. I feel like I’m going crazy again. I was so excited when I was told I got the job. But now I haven’t heard back in like a week. They said that HR is gonna send me an email. Something about that email allows me to sign up.

I don’t know how long to wait before I keep applying to other places. I feel shitty again. I don’t want to be here. I just wish I had money. I really wish I had that financial freedom. It's just this horrible feeling. I feel like I’m chained.

Today I put some more songs on band camp. I’d like to have them all up there. That way I can include the link in my YouTube videos. I have two more albums to post.

I want the most the amazing job that lets me travel the world.

I feel really spent. Kind of overwhelmed. I want to make a change in my life. I’m going to try and do my best to make sure I have all my things finished by 9:30ish from now on. That way I can spend the rest of the evenings meditating.

We’ll see how long that lasts. I’m so sick of hearing myself make commitments that I never stick to.

I'm Gonna Travel The World

March 15, 2023

I’m making my dinner right now. I posted a new video to YouTube today.

I also finished adding all my videos to a playlist on YouTube. So it’s all up there now. There’s over 200 videos!

It’s so interesting to look at all those videos. They bring back so many memories.

For some reason I really want to drink. It’s really hard. I wish I could make the cravings go away. It’s just that I frickin love the feeling of being drunk. I love it to the point that I can’t stop myself once I start. I always over-do it. I don’t need it.

I’m thinking about the future. I’m sober. I’m very happy. I feel very free and very light. Anything is possible. I’m in Tokyo. I just went out for a walk with my film camera. I’m getting the photos developed at a store. I’m gonna get the scans sent to me.

    I’m waiting at a really cool cafe. They have amazing soup here. I’m editing a video. This is such a cool fucking life. I’m out doing my art. I’m healthy. I’m financially free. I’m exploring the world. I couldn’t ask for more.

    

    I’m in Paris. Today I went for a walk. I checked out downtown. It was so cool walking between all the buildings. I have a friend here. He lives in a tall condo. He invited me up to check out the view. It was amazing. I could see the whole downtown and the Eiffel Tower in the distance.

Afterwards we went out to eat. We went to this really cool fancy restaurant for dinner. The bread was amazing. I gotta check out the Louvre while I'm here.

I feel like these travel videos are just getting better and better. And easier to make. I’m getting more confident for sure. I’m also realizing that I don’t always need to stress over every single frame. Sometimes less is more. I feel so lucky. I feel like my audience really supports me in my exploration. They almost expect each video to be different from the last. I’m so grateful. This is such a fun life.

A Layer Of Mud

 Mar 13, 2023

    Wow it’s great. All the pyramids are real and they’re balancing themselves. It’s all turning on like a light bulb. It’s getting energy from the earth. It’s building itself up. It does this every once in while. It’s cyclical. It’s happened countless times before.

    So who’s in charge? I mean, if everything is falling into place, then who’s responsible for pushing the first domino? Who was the pusher? That’s what I’d like to know. Are these questions that can be answered? Does an answer exist? It’s hard to say, I guess.

    But even if we buried ourselves in mud, we’d still be unaware of all the cock-coloured faces living nearby. I mean, just lick them if you have to. If you’re really that horny. Just burn your emotions so that can you can get on with your day. Or don’t. You will be forgiven either way. 

The Truth Is In There

  March 12, 2023 

    Today I woke up and meditated for 30 minutes. It was the first time I’d done that in a while. I felt amazing afterwards. Then I went for a jog. I took a shower and did laundry. Later on I went out to film myself busking. There was a big thunderstorm. I rushed up the hill to drop off my resume at a little movie theatre. Then I started biking to the strip that has tons of shops. I wanted to drop off my resume to a bunch of stores. It started pouring while I was biking. I had to hide under a tree for a bit. I had tons of electronics with me. I finally made it to a Mexican chain restaurant called Guzman Y Gomez. I ordered a burrito and dropped off my resume. The manager happened to be there and she ran out from the back. She said she’d interview me right there and then. Apparently she’d been waiting for the rain to stop before she left. 

    We talked for a bit. She said she could hire me but she’d need me for more than just a couple months. Initially I thought I’d find a job, work for maybe a month, travel, and then come back to Caloundra when I ran out of money. Then I’d do that over and over again. But as we talked I wondered if maybe I should stay here and work for quite a while. That way I’d have tons of money saved. What if then I went travelling to South East Asia! It’s super cheap! I’d have tons of money and it would last me a while. So I’m kinda thinking that would be cool.

    She said she’ll send me an email with the next steps. I really hope it works out. 

    Have all the monks ran away? I’ve been searching near the graves. I’ve been looking for clues. It’s as if all the robes are being burned. It’s like some kind of joke. I don’t know who to believe anymore. Every time I get happy I end up getting my feelings hurt. What the fuck is that all about? It’s like some sorta sick poker game.

    I wanna jump off the bridge and see if the water opens up like a portal. I’d like to see how far down I could be pulled. At what point do celebrity scientists begin to see the truth? 

A Deep Maze

  March 11, 2023

    I’m here in my room in Caloundra. This morning I talked to one of mom’s friends on the phone. She’s gonna help me with my life. 

    Fuck I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do about the blog. I really want to write totally free, but then I don’t want people reading things that are completely honest. They might get hurt or upset. But I don’t want to censor myself. I guess that I’ll keep writing totally honestly, but choosing what I post to the blog. 

    I’m really struggling with getting things done lately. It’s weird. I’m at such a weird place in my life. So much uncertainty and insecurity. I think the insecurity just comes from not having a job. I really think that’s what it is. It’s the first time since I was like 17 that I’m not making money. 

    I know that there’s a whole universe inside of me. It’s just waiting for myself to relax so that I can dip inside. It’s always calling my name. Whether or not I choose to listen. It doesn’t matter. It always has time for me. It’s a maze, like a brain. It has shadows and bumps and treasures and rituals. Everyone burns their past. They go though tunnels over and over and over again. It’s totally normal. It’s natural.

    This thing you call reality is not the whole thing. There is more. It goes deeper. Don’t worry that you sound insane for saying these things. It will help you to know that there are infinite beings with infinite opinions. It’s all going towards the same place anyways. It’s all drifting towards some sort of point. 

Remember The Blog

Mar 10, 2023

I feel kinda sad. I just want to have people care about all the things I make. I really really need to practise Joe Dispenza’s things. I know I need to get out of this low vibration of feeling empty.

I finished a video today. It took so long to make. Like 2-3 days. I need a job. I have no money.  I feel pretty insecure about that. I think I’ll feel a lot better about myself once I start making money.

I’m alone at the top of a hill. There’s a red tree nearby. There’s three aliens standing around the base. They’re watching me, sensing me. They love me. They call me home now.

I float towards them and we lift into the air. We speak with our minds. We laugh a lot. We have so many memories together. They ask how I’m so brave. I say that I don’t understand. They explain that everything I’m doing is very courageous. It’s all planned. It’s all something that I've agreed to.

I’m experiencing everything for a reason. I tell them it doesn’t always feel that way. I wish it felt that way more often. I say that it feels like I’m making a lot of mistakes, or like I’m not clever enough or something. Like there’s this piece of the puzzle that I just can’t figure out.

And if I just understood that simple thing than all the other pieces would fit into place. 

They tell me to practise patience, and to remember to breath deep, and to observe the universe within myself. All the answers lie there.

Remember your blog? That’s what you care about. That’s the ultimate goal. All this other stuff doesn’t really matter. Keep doing it, but remember that it’s all for the blog. That’s the cool place. The rest is silly. You don’t care about being a YouTuber. YouTube is just a potential medium for channeling people to your blog.

Everythang's Real

 Mar 9, 2023

    I’m in my room at Pablo and Yoga’s. I’ve been editing for the last few hours. It’s really fun. I just wish it didn’t take so long. I think I’ll get faster over time. Once I have a folder with all the sound effects and green screens saved. But I do enjoy it. I wish I could just do my creative hobbies for a living. I enjoy them so much. I just gotta be consistently posting to the internet and I can make it happen. Patience, persistence and practice. I think I can do anything with those three things.

    Have you ever seen the rain? The rain that falls on your ass and lights up your insides? It makes all the males hard. It turns them on like some sorta animal in the Congo. It’s a powerful sight.
  

    Even though I feel low I’m still ok. I’m glad to have creativity. It makes things fun. I’m gonna stay sober now. Drinking brings me nothing but shame. I can’t seem to avoid bad situations when I drink. I just find myself getting in trouble it seems.

    How about a massage? How about a dick rub? Do you think that’ll fly with the teachers? I don’t know. It’s hard to say. Just ask about it and see what they say. It’s the kinda thing that anyone should be entitled to receive. 

    Why do I care what other chimps will think. Boy have I been paranoid these last few days. I’m going towards a better place. I’m getting back on my feet. I really need a job. I think that’ll make a huge difference. Even though I might hate working, I’ll at least feel good about myself. I’ll be able to repay the people who’ve lent me money, I’ll be able to repay my credit card and start saving for another trip. That’s important. I need to make my dreams become a reality. There’s nothing stoping me. It’s why I’m here. I have to do it. Right now is really the time.

    You need to start. It’s time. The time is here. The pyramids are real. Everything is real. Reality is so much more than you realize. It’s about time you started waking up. You could help with this process if you wanted.