A Missing Memory

  May 30, 2024

The energy from the earth was permitted into the chamber of remembrance. I felt glad about this. I ran home and told my family. They joined in the celebration. 

The summer time attitude of teens can be fully appreciated near a beach. I remember those days. I often stood alone atop a rock. I admired swaths of flesh undulating in the dusk. Fruit bats twirled above our heads.

I remember coming home and finding the house empty. Everything had been stolen. I noticed that the floor was covered in baking powder. 

I knelt down. I placed my finger against my tongue. I got it properly moist. Then I pressed my finger into the floor. I closed my eyes. I knew who had been here. I called the police.

“Sheriff speaking,” said a voice.
“I’m calling to report a burglary.” I whispered. 
“What’ve they taken?” Asked the sheriff. 
“My life is gone. Everything I worked for.”
“Stay calm. Drink some water and go for a walk.”
“When will you be here?” I asked, my voice trembling with grief.
“I’ll swing by around dinner time. Are you afraid of dogs?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Ok, I’ll bring Rex,” said the Sheriff. “He’ll sniff around for us.”

I walked down to the lake. The water sparkled wonderfully. If only I could allow myself to choose love in the face of darkness. I told myself to let go of my materialism. 

The moon was directly above the CN Tower. It was a full moon. I knew what that meant. 

I wandered into bushes and knelt besides a fairy shrine. I ran my hand through my hair. I hugged myself as if I were a child. I tried to stay calm. I soothed myself for about half an hour. 

The sun had set when I opened my eyes. Little bats were hunting above the trees. 
I walked back home. I passed a field full of food trucks. It looked like some kind of festival. There was a stage with bright lights. A band played country music in such a nice way. 

I arrived home. I felt weird being inside. There was nothing there. All of my things were gone. I paced around for a little while. Then I sat on the floor.

I watched ants. They marched across the floor. They were searching for food. They would not find anything. There was no more food in this house. 

I was wondering about my phone. Should l get a dumb phone? I am worried about my health. I just feel like I would be even smarter and wiser with the thing gone. I would be more present. It’s computers in general. Well it’s the internet, more specifically. 
What would my life be without all of that? I guess there’s pros and cons to everything. 

You can create connection. You can create meaning in dark places. You can communicate with celestial orbs who desire for you to feel loved when you are down in the dumps. You can heal the dark divide that separates your planet. 

The healing will begin when the love of life is fully embraced. You have always known of planets that are inside of you. These orbs are particularly helpful for those who wish to heal their past. 
It’s like an ever present line of plastic.

Carrot Courage

  May 29, 2024 

Burt Back-Rack went to college for the first time. He was admitted. He was encouraged to always arrive early.

I swear that he’d been forced to conform. He was brimming with enormous potential. He’d been siloed, just like the rest of us. 

Burt arrived to class. 

“Where can I hear music that I actually enjoy?” He asked the prof.
“I know what you mean! So much of what we hear is sooooo dull and soft and melancholy!”
“So you know what I’m saying,” replied Burt. 

The professor removed a carrot from his ass and waddled towards the blackboard. He began scribbling mathematics on the wall. 

The sky became dark. The classroom was cold and grey. The students had long disappeared. They’d gone to work, to pay their rent. 

Burt stood near the back off the room. He watched the professor scribble against the black board. 
“You heard of Fantano?” Screamed the professor.
“Fanta?” Burt asked, cupping his hand to his ears. 
“Fantano, you friend of fools!” Spat the prof. “I mean, the energy of the man. Not even the man himself, but the archetype. The frequency!”
“Oh FanTANO,” muttered Burt. “He makes videos for the internet, ya?”
“That energy is captured by oil interests,” continued the prof, as he ran towards the window. “Did it anyone follow you to class this morning?” 
“Yes,” replied Burt. “I’m constantly being monitored.”

The sky was orange. The sun was beginning to rise. So still was the earth. 
Trains full of hims, hers, and theys shot towards the city centre. Burt was headed the opposite direction. His train bounced quickly towards the suburbs. 

The sun had fully risen by the time Burt emerged from beneath the earth. The sidewalks were cold and bland. At least it was familiar, he thought. It brought back memories of being a young man. 

Now his dick hung to his knees. His soul was counting down the days until it could reincarnate. It was such a boxed in planet. 

Burt walked towards a ravine. It was beautiful. Grassy slopes rolled deep down into the darkness. Elk, bison and cattle roamed freely. An old bridge connected both sides. Burt descended into the bowels of the natural world. 

A meditating yogi sat atop a rocky outcrop. He felt a negativity approach him. He responded with kindness and compassion. He became a sphere of warm, red plasma. 

The orb floated through the wind. Burt witnessed the phenomenon. He was somehow changed.

The Hill

          May 28, 2024

I’m thinking of tweaking my approach to these posts. There’s certain days that I take tons of photos. I can’t really fit them all into one post. I don’t want to just upload all the photos. I like having them amid the writing. 

I don’t know what to do. Where do I post all the photos. Can I post them to multiple blog posts? 

    I went walking up the hill the other day. I took tons of photos. Should I post some of them across different blog posts? Other wise I’d have to write like five pages. I want them to exist among the writing. I prefer the way that looks. 

But it doesn’t really make sense to post them across multiple posts. That kind of defeats the purpose of having the posts dated. Maybe it doesn’t matter. 

It’s almost like a fake day. An imaginary day. That could be kind of cool, maybe. A bit surreal. A bit meta. 

I don’t know. Maybe not. Maybe I should just get over it and write like 5 pages, if that’s what’s required. Maybe not, though. 

This post is dated as May 28, but I’m writing it on May 30th. The hill photos are from the 27th. The first two photos are from the 28th. 

    So I don’t even know what’s going on. I guess it doesn’t matter that much. As long as the photos are somewhat close to the date they were taken. 

    So yah, I went for a walk up the Port Hills. I had the day off on Monday. I never have days off. That’s alright. I like working with Jayne and Mark. It’s the other job that I’m excited to be done with. My last day at the restaurant is June 16th. I can’t wait. 

       I’m really grateful they hired me, though. I applied to so many places. They’re the only ones that called me back. 

There were so many times that I’d had enough. I nearly quit countless times. 

Working with Dimitri is just too much for me. I’m grateful he went on holiday. That’s the only reason I continued to work there. I timed it so that I would finish when he returns. 

It’s not stressful now that he’s gone, but it is boring. I also just don’t connect with the staff. I don’t really feel there’s much opportunity to chat. 

    Even when I chat with Despina I feel as though she just wants me to stop talking. I feel really empty when I’m there. 

Working there was the reason I started applying to University. I just felt as though I didn’t want to do that type of work for the rest of my life. I wanted to better myself, somehow. 

Anyways, walking up the hill was really cool. I could see all the huge mountains off in the distance. You can’t see them when you’re down at street level. 

I ended up getting near to the top of the hill. It was pretty quick. I’d like to do another trail before I leave. 

I went with Mark and Jayne to their Alpha course. The food was amazing. It was more interesting than the first time. I felt more comfortable. I still find it all a bit awkward. I really don’t feel a spiritual connection when I’m there. 

There was one point where the guy on TV had us say a prayer. I liked that. It was about allowing Jesus into your heart. 

I like that stuff. The esoteric, spiritual stuff. I don’t like the dogma. Like when they talk about the history. When they say ‘this happened, then this happened, and we know because we know.’ 

The Thief

  May 26, 2024 

I drank again the other night. I shouldn’t have done it. I’d been sober for a while. The last time I drank was when I went to the Rockpool Bar and sat alone for hours drinking pint after pint. I talked to three friends who were flight attendants for a little while. 

Last Tuesday I went to the grocery store and bought 12 beers and a pack of cigarettes. It was already 9 pm. I drank for a while in my room and listened to music. I vomited a bunch in the toilet. Then I started walking into town. I puked against a tree along the way. 

I got to Rockpool and started talking to a guy standing out front. We started talking about weed. He said he could sell me some. He was smoking a joint and let me have a hit. 

We walked to the ATM. I realized I didn’t have my card when we arrived. He said that I could manually bank transfer him the money. We spent a long time trying to figure it out. He used my phone to call some bank that provided his account number or something. I finally managed to transfer him $25. 

I don’t really remember why I didn’t just take the bag then. I think it was because he said he didn’t have anything to smoke out of. I think he said he had papers or a bong back at his place. 

So we started walking. We went into an alley to get his bike. For some reason I decided to start taking photos of him with the flash on. I have no idea why. I was drunk out of my mind. I guess I thought he’d like it? 

He immediately started freaking out. He got all upset and was asking why I was taking photos. I said that I’d delete them. He started yelling about being a weed dealer and that he didn’t want me taking his photo. 

I don’t really remember what happened next. He somehow got my phone and jumped on his bike. I kind of froze. I didn’t know if I should pull him off and get my phone back. I didn’t know if he had a knife or something. I chased him for a bit but he quickly got away. 

I was pretty dumbstruck. I just walked feeling a lot more sober. I was so disappointed  with myself. I couldn’t believe I’d let all of that happen. I felt like I’d done it to myself.

I had my old phone back at the house, so at least I had a spare. I also had an extra SIM card that I’d accidentally ordered.

I tried locking my phone from my Mac when I got home. I went to sleep.

I woke up all wet. I think I pissed the bed.

The next day I went with Mark to his wood shop. I was pretty hung over. Later in the taxi I felt like I might throw up.

Later that night I was installing my SIM card into my old phone. I entered my debit information and hit pay. The website said ‘insufficient funds’. My heart fell into my stomach. 

I couldn’t get into my New Zealand bank account because of the two-factor verification. It wanted to send a verification code to either my stolen phone or an email that I had never heard of. 

I payed for the plan with my Canadian credit card. Then I called my New Zealand bank. I locked my bank account over the phone.


The next morning I went to the bank. I told the lady what had happened. She was very friendly. She helped me log into my online banking with my new phone. All the money was gone. He had taken $410. 

I really don’t know how he did that. I don’t remember giving him the passcode to my phone. 

The transfers were made around 3 am, so it was right after he biked away. I also don’t understand how he logged into my bank app. I have a document on my phone with lots of my online passwords. Maybe there was something there. 

The lady said that we might be able to get some money back. She says it’s not guaranteed, but that we may as well try. 

So as of now my bank is still locked. I can’t pay with my card or transfer money. I’ve been using my TD credit card. I had some money in my chequeing account. I used that to transfer my rent money to Leila. 

Today is Sunday. I hope it’s unlocked before next rent day.

I really feel disappointed with myself. My mind goes back to that beer I had in Mooloolaba last February. It was the first beer I’d had in nearly three years. I remember staring at it for while, before I took a sip. I was really unsure about what would happen if I drank it. 

It’s crazy to think of all the horrible, nightmarish things that have transpired from that one decision. 

I was with Mark and Jayne yesterday. We went to the Christchurch Court Theatre. They were selling a bunch of old props and theatre gear. Jayne bought some bags, a toy snake for the cat, and a doll. 

We booked tickets to see a play at the theatre next Wednesday. They offer headphones for people who are visually impaired. I guess it’s some sort of audio description. I get in free because I’m there support person! 

Mom also left me a message the other day. She said that a friend had told her about all the jobs up in Chisasibi. I haven’t planned that far ahead but I’m thinking of going up there after Montreal. It could be good. 

I’m thinking of going to Argentina from Brisbane. I’ll stay for a week. Then I’ll fly to Toronto and see Nana and other people. Carter is moving to Victoria in August, so I’ll get to say goodbye to him. I may ask Kristal for a few shifts at the Fox, depending on whether I need the money. 

Then I’ll take the Megabus to Montreal and stay with Mami for a little while. I don’t know for how long. After that I may go up to Chisasibi.