April 26, 2022
I went for a jog today. That’s good. It was a nice jog. I had some coffee and read 1984.
I woke up at about 10:30 because I’d been up pretty late the night before. I went to an open-mic downtown. It was at a bar called The Cathedral. I think it was one of my favourites so far. The inside of the building was really beautiful. Lots of stained glass all over the place. The stage was raised way up above the seats. It was a real stage. The host was a guy I met a couple nights before at the Fox and the Fiddle. He’s an extremely nice guy. His name is Mark and he just oozes positivity. He really reminds me of Patrick from Malvern. He seems slightly less anxious than Patrick, but I do get the funny feeling there’s this sadness. It’s hard to explain. He just seems very vulnerable and real and like you can see right into him. I really liked that place last night. He played the drums for me on my songs. It felt really nice.
While I was there a guy came up to my table and asked if he could sit with me. He was super nice. He was one of the performers. I think he’s from India. His name is Mudit. I could tell he understood that ‘thing’ from talking to him. That thing about art. We were talking about how it’s not about how good of a singer or instrumentalist you are, so much as it is being able to be fully yourself and unique. He was extremely positive. He was basically bubbling with excitement and positivity and really seemed to want to talk about the importance of being yourself.
From talking to him I could tell he really got it, BUT I was sorta waiting to form an opinion until I actually saw him perform. That’s sorta the ultimate test. It’s not about seeing if they can sing or play the guitar. It’s something more subtle. The fact that he played originals was super impressive, and I could tell pretty much right away that he definitely understood that ‘thing’. He knew what chords to put next, and how to make a nice melody. I’ve seen guys go up and do originals and there’s just sections of the songs that don’t quite feel right, and we can feel it, but I don’t think they can. I’m always looking for the people who not only write clever songs, but sorta know WHY it's’ working. It’s like this certain consciousness. You can find it in people who do covers too, but I kinda feel that people who do covers are really on a very different mission. We’re both on stage with instruments in our hands blowing air into a microphone, but that’s about as far as the similarities go. It’s ok though. It’s not evil of them, and I’m not better than them. It’s just a different journey. I’m trying to really not see myself as being better or more courageous. We’re all trying to overcome something.
People who do stand up comedy might be the most courageous of all. They’ve removed even the instrument. What they do is a totally different thing. We’re both on stage blowing air into a microphone but that’s as far as the similarities go. What they’re doing is extremely linked to the audience. You can really feel it when it’s working and you can really feel when it’s not. It’s a whole other thing and I’m super interested in it.
Last night a guy went up to do stand-up comedy. You could tell he hadn’t been doing it for long, but the audience was still being supportive and smiling and being kind. But as it went on you could feel the audience kind of turn on him. It’s almost like the audience comes to this amazing realization of how important they are to what’s happening. They realize that all the power is in themselves to decide how the performer does. If they don’t like the performer, all they have to do is literally nothing. It’s this amazing realization. I could feel the audience just almost start to dislike him, and the fake smiles just faded and everyone just kinda stared off into the distance.
Performing music is not really like that. At least certain genres. I can see how gospel music might be similar. I’m really interested in performances that rely on the the audience interaction. I’m so not there yet.
The last two times I’ve performed have probably been my favourites, and I think it’s because I’ve started sitting down and closing my eyes. I can start to feel free and natural. That’s not what I wanna do forever though. It sorta feels like training wheels for now.
As I was leaving the bar two young guys asked me where I was coming from. I told them. They said that they were really interested in performing together and so I told them about my story so far and how I only just started but I’ve found so much love and support from doing it. I showed them the Facebook group and told them that these things are happening every single night and that there’s no judgement and that they’re very positive. I could feel them getting excited. They seemed really motivated when we parted.
It’s those moments where I really REALLY feel like I’m in the right place. I feel like that’s what I’m meant to do. I love motivating and inspiring people. Or actually I think it’s about showing them that they can do it too. I can remember when people have done that for me. It’s those moments that can totally change a person’s trajectory. It’s about really getting people to KNOW that they can do something. Not believe, but fully KNOW it. That deep instinctive understanding.
Of course it takes so much practice to progress, but for a lot of people starting is the hardest part. I know it’s often been the case for me. When I started doing the open-mics by FAR the hardest part was walking out the front door to catch the street car. It wasn’t memorizing songs or performing. It was just putting my shoes on and leaving the house.
My grandfather was shot so many times by his pupils. They got on the tables and just shot him full of holes. He screamed like the captain of a sinking ship as he waved a white flag of surrender. The kids didn’t let up. They emptied those rifles. They did what they thought was right. God watched and a tear rolled down his cheek. Then my grandfather was up in the highest corner of the room, watching the students move towards his bleeding body. He watched them move cautiously. He saw all the smoke from the rifles wafting upwards.
Then he zoomed out an open window and flew across the fields and up into the sky. Then he couldn’t remember where he’d just been, or how long he’d been away for. Was the stuff before just a dream? He started to feel a mighty rumble.
I can feel ‘God’ or ‘The Universe’ or ‘Jesus’ or ‘Papee’ with me. I feel really strongly that I have Papee. I’ve always thought about him a lot and about how I wanted to know him and how I had so many questions for him. He died when I was 6.
I can feel my body very well because I’ve spent so much time meditating. Now I really how valuable all of that was. I didn’t really know why I was doing it. I felt it was just very practical, like brushing my teeth and exercising. Now I see that it was so much more than that. I understand now what they mean about how we all have this built in connection to ‘God’. I just need to feel my body and feel the aliveness! I just need to think of Love. When I think of love, THAT’S God.
There’s this confusion about who is doing the thinking. A person is like a telephone operator. Those people in the old days who were in front of the switch boards. That’s ‘Kai’. When I think of love, that’s me plugging in that certain wire, and allowing love to come through. It’s so easy. All I gotta do is think ‘I love you’, and that’s God right there. That’s not really ‘me’. I’m just the air traffic controller who’s deciding which run way can be used from moment to moment. It’s always my choice. When I think of love, I’m letting love come through. That’s not me though, it’s something else that I’m allowing in and I can turn off whenever I like.
When I think of hate that’s something that I’m allowing in. I actually don’t think hate is something ‘tangible’. I think it’s more like it’s just closing the door to love, or closing the curtains in a room. All the plants in the room start to die. It’s just the absence of love. I don’t know if evil exists in the same way love does. You can feel love. I think evil might be more the absence of love. And so I want more love? Just think ‘LOVE’ or ‘I LOVE YOU’. That’s not me thinking that! I just opened the door! The love is it’s own thing that wants to rush in! It can’t help it! It’s like opening a curtain! The sun can’t help but rush inside. I think that deciding to think ‘I love you’ is like deciding to open the curtain.