March 9, 2022
I drank coffee this morning and read. I wanna finish the book so badly. I’ve got 30 pages left. I’ve been reading it forever. Next I’m gonna read ‘Mila 18’. Nana bought it for my birthday. I told her to pick a book that she enjoyed reading.
I talked to Dad very briefly. He had to take another call, but he’s gonna call back a little later today.
Later today I gotta walk Harry and I’m gonna see ‘Paper Moon’ at the Fox.
I’ve been thinking about weed more and more the last couple days. I’m just getting bored of being sober maybe? I don’t think it’s that, actually. I’ve noticed that when I get sober again, there’s this period where life starts feeling like a chore. It just feels like every day is about completing things and finishing goals. I start to feel something in myself solidifying. When I smoke I kinda stop caring about all the stuff, or maybe it’s just that I see that it doesn’t matter as much as I think. The problem, of course, is that I can’t just smoke once. I end up smoking every night. It becomes more and more.
I also don’t want to go back to weed just because life starts to feel difficult. I really want to acquire the skills and strengths that allow me to be resilient. I don’t want to be intimidated by life. A lot of the time I just feel that I’m not doing enough, or that I’m being lazy. It’s a pretty common human emotion, I’ve found. Just talking to other people reveals that. Even people who’ve achieved so much still talk and write about feeling as though they haven’t quite done it yet, whatever ‘it’ is.
I often think about the fact that it’s been so long since I drank. All the things I feel today with weed were felt by me when it came to drinking, only with drinking, these feelings were far far more intense.
I was genuinely scared that my life might become worse by taking a break. I also felt pretty sure that everyday would end up being a battle. I was sure I’d have to fight with myself every time I went out to a restaurant or hung out with friends. It turns out I was wrong. There was a period where that was true. I don’t think it was that long, though. I think it was less than a month. After that I never had cravings. There’s never any part of me these days that craves drinking.
I try and tell myself all this, and explain to myself that the same will apply to weed. There’s just this period of about a month where it’s sorta difficult, and after that it’s far easier to resist.