March 29, 2022
It’s a sunny day, but it’s very cold. I’ve been reading all morning. I’m almost done ‘Mile 18’. It’s a pretty long book. I’m excited to have some shorter books to read.
Each day I get more and more excited by the prospect of leaving Toronto. It feels slightly more real each day. There’s still so much to do. I’ll feel much better when I get that fucking passport. I’d like to buy a ticket as soon as possible, just to save money. I don’t know how I’m gonna do that, though. I’ve also gotta apply for the Visa. Once I’ve got the Visa and the plane ticket I’ll be really excited.
I sorta got my monitor working, but not really. I still can’t get it to work with the Mac’s lid closed, which was the whole point. I’ve put my MacBook Pro away for now since there’s no point in using it with that monitor if I gotta keep the lid open. I figured out how to get the monitor to work with this laptop.
I gotta start on April’s song. I also wanna call her soon. I haven’t talked to her in a while. I gotta go downtown to an open mic sometime this week. Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday nights I’m free.
I’ve gotta find some way of doing photography with other people. I should just do street photography in the meantime. I wish I lived closer to downtown. I’m so lazy about getting down there. It’s kinda pathetic of me.
I had a dream where my crush called me on the phone. We talked and I was so excited in the dream. I woke up thinking how cruel of a dream it was. I have those types of cruel dreams involving her. It seems pretty mean of Jesus to keep giving me those dreams. Something I was thinking about that made me feel better was that I don’t really remember ever laughing with her when we hang out, and I think it’s pretty important to me that I’m able to laugh with someone I date.
I wanna hook up with a girl and just cuddle and hang out. I don’t really wanna date anyone but I’d like to just have some fun. I do want to wait until its been about a year and when the weather becomes warmer.
No More Sounds
As I was sewing my mouth shut I suddenly realized that I’d forgotten to call my grandma to tell her to put my clothes in the dryer. I stomped my feet in frustration. I had tried to make sure I’d said all I needed to say before I went ahead and sewed my mouth shut. I ran over to my grandmas place and knocked on her door.
“Come on!” Said a voice through the door. I pushed it open and entered. She was on the computer playing virtual chess. She looked up from her game. “What do I owe this unexpected visit?” She asked with much warmth.
“Mm-Hmm-Hmm!” I grunted, forgetting that my mouth was sewn shut.
“What’s that?” She frowned. “Use your words! Grandma can’t hear so well!”
I grabbed a piece of cardboard from the recycling bin and found a marker. I wrote her a message in big black letters. I held the board out in front of her. She squinted from behind her glasses and mouthed the words I’d written.
“I’ve sewn my mouth shut,” she began. “I have to go to work now, but can you put my clothes in the dryer when they’re finished being washed?” She finished reading and glanced up with a puzzled look.
I nodded.
“Ok,” she whispered. “But may I say that I already miss the sound of your soft voice. I am sad to know I will never hear your words again.”
I nodded in agreement, bent over to hug her tight, and then raced out the door to make it to work on time.
No More Sounds
The Slap
March 28, 2022
Today is so cold. It’s 4:54 pm. I don’t know how the day goes by so fast. I feel like I haven’t done anything today. I woke up, read all morning, and then spent about 2 hours playing around with my monitor again. It’s so fucked. It’s still not working right. I thought I could just use it with this MacBook, but it does something else weird when I plug this Mac in. With the MacBook Pro it doesn’t work when I close the lid, but it works with the lid open, but I can’t leave it open because the screen is fucked and I don’t want it to fall apart more than it already is. With the MacBook Air it seems to only mirror the Mac? And then the blue tooth keyboard won’t work? It’s so fucked up. I’ve really come to appreciate things that work all the time, every time. Things that do exactly what they say they do. I’m so sick of products that are just shitty half the time.
I spent a little time getting rid of some more stuff from under the stairs. I’m trying to do about one box per day. I’d like to see if I can get everything I wanna keep packed into just one box which I can hopefully take to Mami’s. After that there’s plenty of other sections of the house to take care of, but that’s where most of the stuff is.
I went and walked Harry after that. It’s so cold out. I wanna leave this country so baddddd!!!
I’ve been putting stuff from hard drives onto iCloud and that really makes me feel good for some reason. Everything in my life is very slowly beginning to feel very organized and safe. There seems to be growing this wonderful system. It’s the kinda thing I’ve dreamed of for a while. I would just love to find a way to make money wherever I am in the world. I really want to be able to just survive of off like two suitcases. I love having everything in the cloud because everywhere I go I always know all my stuff is safe. After it’s all on iCloud I think I’ll put it all on Microsoft One Drive and maybe even Google Drive as well, just so that it’s all ultra safe. It’s really cool.
I worked at the Fox last night. We played the Oscars. There weren’t very many people who came, even though it’s a free event. People aren’t really that excited about the oscars anymore, but that all changed last night. I wasn’t really going into the theatre to watch any of it. Every time I’d take a peek I’d get pretty bored. I remember thinking that I wish they would just have comedians host it, to keep it funny. Well at one point I just happened to go out and see what was going on, because I heard everyone in the theatre laughing. Chris Rock was on stage. I came out at exactly the perfect spot. He was up there, telling some jokes. He made a joke about Chris Rock’s wife. I didn’t understand the joke at first, but then the people in the audience kinda made that sound they do when they think the joke is inappropriate. He kinda laughed it off, carried on, but then suddenly there was a man on stage. I didn’t know who the man was, because I could only see his back. All of a sudden he slaps Chris in the face! Then the sound completely cut off! I immediately thought that Thierry, our projectionist, had made a mistake upstairs. Then the camera showed Will Smith screaming from the audience. It looked like he was swearing. Someone in the Fox audience said that he just broke the mic when he slapped Chris Rock. Then the sound came back on. I was stunned. I couldn’t tell if it was all a skit. The way Will Smith was screaming made it look like he was serious, and then when Chris started talking you could tell that he was stunned too. I couldn’t believe it. It was the craziest thing I’d ever seen on live TV. I wasn’t old enough to have seen 9/11 happen live, so I think this takes the lead as the craziest thing I’ve seen. I felt pretty angry with Will Smith. I was even angrier after the speech he made when he won for Best Actor. I really didn’t like the way he explained that he did it out of love. I hated that he used love to justify violence. That’s when I totally thought he was a real loser. It was bad enough when he smacked Chris, but I was expecting that he’d get up and apologize and say that it was totally unjustified. But he didn’t do that. He tried using love to justify it. That was pathetic and fucking weird. I’m curious to see what’s gonna happen next. I really wanna see if he and Chris are gonna release public statements or something. By the end of the night I got scared that everyone would just forget about it and move on. Well I needn’t have worried, because when I woke up it was all over everywhere. There was a video released by the Guardian of the ‘slap’ that already had over 37 million views in like 10 hours.
I rolled out of bed only to find that the snow had once again fallen. I got real morose and rolled over in bed. I took out my phone and watched Will slap Chris a few times. I read some of the comments and looked at some of the memes.
I got out of bed and went upstairs. There was a crowd of people in my living room. They were all helping themselves to a big feast.
“What’s going on here?” I asked, feeling my tummy begin to grumble.
“We made some breakfast! Help yourself! There’s enough here for everyone!” Said the president of some country.
“Who’s food did you use?” I asked suspiciously.
“Well we juts grabbed what was in the fridge!” Said another world leader.
“That was my food,” I said quietly. “That was enough to last me a month.”
“Surely you don’t mind sharing! Grab yourself a plate and eat up!”
I did as I was told and placed some steaming treats onto a plate. I sat on the couch next to the Prime Minister of France as we all watched Will slap Chris on the TV. We watched the clip on repeat, all of us screaming with shock every single time.
I'd Fuck A Tablet
March 24, 2022
Some people are drawn to cars and motorcycles, while others are drawn to clothes. My thing has always been electronics for some reason. If you really wanna get my attention, just start talking about a new gadget you recently bought. I don’t know where this love comes from. I remember being a kid and becoming excited every time a commercial would come on the TV about a new Apple product. I used to collect magazines from Bell and Rogers that showed the all the cell phones they included with their plans. In those days the popular cell phones were made by BlackBerry. I loved the designs. I used to love imagining which one I’d own if I could pick just one. I remember going to my grandmas for lunch and watching Steve Jobs unveil a new product. I don’t know what it is about these things that excites me. I think it has to do with the way they’ve so cleverly squeezed su h powerful computers into nice little packages. Every time I go to an electronic store with friends or family I suddenly feel a need to start explaining the products to them, as if I’m tryna convince them to buy something. Strangers in the stores must think I work there.
I often wonder what the future of personal electronics will look like, and how old fashioned our current devices will look. I think they will continue to get faster and more efficient, to the point where plugging in a device to charge is something we don’t really do. Already you can wirelessly charge your cell phones, and so I feel that eventually most table surfaces will be able to charge your device just by placing it on the table. People laptops will automatically begin to charge once they set it down to work, although that may not be necessary since batteries will become so efficient that they may only need to be plugged in once a month.
I’m also excited to see the way that random objects around the house will become computerized. I have a feeling that eventually you’ll be able to have a computer that is so small that it can be made in a sort of wrap. Imagine a piece of something like scotch tape, only this scotch tape has computers in it. If you had something like this you could just wrap the tape around objects, effectively turning that object into a computer. The computer would of course be packed with sensors. So basically any object that already has a wrapping around it, such as cars or street lights or buses or water bottles could all have this thin wrapping applied. You could get super accurate readings of things like traffic and weather and electricity usage since everything is being so accurately monitored. Of course you want to be careful because the more everything is monitored, the more potential there is for abuse by someone who wants to perhaps survey
I definitely agree that the setting will influence the style and content of what someone writes. I think I have two ideal spots for writing, or for just being creative in general. I think my favourite is when I’m in a cafe that has a nice view of a very busy street outside. I just love being able to look down and write, pause for a moment to look up and get completely distracted by all the hustle and bustle, and then look back down again and carry on. I find those little brief pauses to be super helpful at unsticking my mind when it gets slightly stuck or even bored. The busy streets always remind of a coral reef in the ocean, in that everything is a different shape, colour, smell, texture, and yet you get the sense that it’s all connected somehow. If you look very closely it might appear as though everything and everyone is separate, but when you start to zoom out you realize how it’s all really just one thing, and every piece relies on the next piece, like a big living organism. The people on the street have no idea how connected they all are just like the fish swimming through the reef never realize how interconnected and essential they all are to the bigger ecosystem.
I agree that it if one wants to feel connected to their spirituality, then writing in nature is sure to deliver this feeling. However, I sometimes find that the very busy places are where I can feel it the most. I think again of this analogy of the coral reef and the ocean. If you were to just look a video of a big piece of water below the surface where there were no fish or plants, you might think that it’s all very still and maybe even dead. However, by placing a bunch of fish and seaweed, you quickly become aware that there is an invisible current! You notice that the plants are swaying back and forth, the fish are bobbing up and down! You only notice this invisible current once there’s something there for the current to react against. I sorta feel this when I look at very busy streets. I felt the sense that there’s this invisible current that is always acting on the people, wether they really notice it or not. It’s when I start to feel that little current that I get really inspired and feel that writing becomes so easy.
I also love to write anywhere with a view of the sky. I like it more when there’s a nice contrast of blue sky and puffy white clouds. The clouds floating through the sky reveal the invisible current that is always there, while the bright blue sky reveals the infinite vastness of possibiltles.
Mario was being bullied for just being a nice guy. Everyone kept telling him he was too kind. Mario didn’t understand. He tried so hard to be friendly. This seemed to annoy his peers. He just wanted to accepted.
One day he showed up to school looking really dirty. He didn’t say ‘good morning’ to any of the other children. He chewed gum all through class and during recess he smoked a Cuban Cigar besides the swings. The kids were taking notice of the new Mario. They approached him cautiously, sweat dripping from their little noses.
“Mario! You have changed!”
Mario nodded slowly, exhaling a large plume of grey smoke.
“I’m having a party tonight! It’s my seventh birthday! Won’t you join us?”
“I’m busy tonight.” Laughed Mario. “I’ve got a date with a hot model. She loves the new Mario.”
“Well bring her along!” Pleaded the boy. “You both are invited!”
Mario scratched his chin and shook his head around, implying that he’d think about it. The school children bowed graciously before Mario. They walked away backwards, making sure not to show him their backs as that was considered very rude.
Change My World
March 21, 2022
Today is very very beautiful. I woke up at 7:45, went for a jog and then read for like 3 hours. It was so nice. I finished the smoking book yesterday. I smoked my last joint. I feel so happy and free. I’m so excited. I realized that I haven’t been drug free since I was like 16. Even though there were long periods where I didn’t smoke weed, I was still allowing myself to do it if I wanted to. It was just because I hated being high that I didn’t smoke. Now it’s totally off the table, which is a different thing. I was lying in bed the other day and remembering just how sure I was that I didn’t like weed. It wasn’t a problem at all for a while. I was never tempted to do it, I think maybe because I had alcohol? This is why the website really excites me. I’ll be able to go back in my life so much easier and see what I was thinking, feeling making, at any given point! It’s crazy because I can see so many steps down the line, but I can’t physically implement them yet because web design is still so new to me, and I’m also really reluctant to show it to too many people, especially someone who knows how to program. It just seems like such an amazing idea for a piece of software that I can’t believe it doesn’t exist yet. Every single day I wake up nervous that someone else is going to come out with the exact same idea.
Just to re-iterate, the grand vision as of today is a system that stores all of your photos, videos, documents, songs, in a cloud based storage system organized by date. This cloud platform is tightly connected to a ‘front-end’ version that displays all of the content in a simple and pleasant way, while also being sorted by date. There will also be an ‘add-on’ app designed for smartphones that uses the ‘rag’ method of placing photos into grids. As you’re taking photos on your phone, the photos are automatically being placed in the ‘rag’ to create new art pieces, which are then saved and displayed on the website. Anything you make can go through the rag. Some people may not want to use it, as its only real purpose is to take what you’ve made and turn it into a collage. It ‘artifies’ your photos for you.
I’m also very interested in putting music and videos through the rag. I’m also curios about seeing what music ‘looks’ like, or what a photo ‘sounds’ like. I’ve realized you can do this, so long as you determine the coordinates, I think. You could make it so that when someone plays the drums, or any instrument for that matter, it would translate instantly to colours. You could also have it so that as someone is painting a picture, the pressure of the brush strokes, as well as the colour, could be translated to sounds.
You could also translate these things to a haptic engine, like the little motors in cell phones. I really want to get to a point where enough of these things are combined that they just become a single thing. You no longer distinguish between the image, sound, smell, feeling. It’s just one vibration. You almost don’t need to be putting people into virtual reality through headsets. You just need to put them in a room, either lying down or floating in a pool of water, and then project all the different things (sound, visuals, etc.) but have them all operating on the same coordinates, so they’re all exact representations of one another.
Right now Tyler and Brenya are upstairs chatting. Carter’s at work I think. Brenya is here today, working. I always notice how much better I feel when there’s a woman in the house, or even at work. I don’t quite know why, but I can just feel that I’m much more calm. I also don’t feel nearly as much ‘FOMO’. I feel quite content to be at home working on whatever I’m working on, whereas normally I often feel a slight twinge of guilt that I’m not doing something out of the house, around other people.
I want to start going to these open-mic things for musicians. I feel a bit nervous, although I’m sure that’ll go away literally the second I step out the door and just start heading down town. Leaving the house is always the hardest part. I always find it so funny how much better I feel once I’m walking. Dates are a little different. I tend to stay nervous with dates right up until I’m finally face-to-face with the person. At that point I tend to relax a lot.
I’ve also been thinking about my magic number ‘4’, and how it seems to be on the fourth time that things begin to become easy. I was thinking about this because I really have felt a difference in my demeanour at work. I’ve felt so much more relaxed and willing to be myself around customers. I realized that this is my fourth year of doing that. I’ve been there for 5 years, but a year of that was gone due to Covid. So it seems to take roughly 3 times of doing something to get comfortable. The fourth time is when it becomes slightly automatic, which allows room for creativity.
And so I was thinking that based on this, whatever brand new thing I start right now, I will be 27 when it becomes slightly automatic. I’ve worked roughly 3 days a week at the Fox since I started. So if I do something roughly 3 days a week for the next 3 years, I’ll begin to get truly comfortable with it at the beginning of the fourth yeatr. One thing I’ve just started is web design. I’ve been doing that consistently, almost every day, for the past 3 months. If I continue to do so for the next 33 months, I should start to get very comfortable!
It’s even better for things that I’ve already started, like writing almost everyday. I’ve been doing that nearly every day for almost 2 years! Time sure seems to go fast when you stop to think about it.
I’m trynna decide how to go about organizing the back-end of the website and all my files. Should I start with year (1999-present) and within each year have four folders marked ‘writing’ ‘music’ ‘photos’ ‘videos’, or should I have these 4 folders be the first thing you see, and within each folder you have the years.
Having it all sorted by year is more in line with the website, but I feel that the back ends purpose is slightly different. Whereas with the website the date is always king, with the website organization and ease of access is king. I should decide sooner than later. I like the idea of having the 4 categories first just because of how simple it looks. I don’t actually know if one is easier to locate files, but the fact that the first step is less intimating might help in a psychological way. The problem of course, is what if I make something that doesn’t fit into any of those 4 categories. The whole system is being built on the premise that everything I will ever make will fit within those 4 categories. I guess I can always introduce a new category if I need to. I guess one nice thing about having categories first is that you know that each folder only has exactly what it says, versus when you start with year, you know that it contains all sorts of stuff. I like that for the front end of the website, but for the backend I think I prefer things starting in categories.
I'm Greedy For Growth
March 19, 2022
It’s very grey today. I woke up at 8, went for a jog, read Allen Carr’s EasyWay to Quit Smoking until 11 and then walked Harry. I like it when it’s raining. I don’t like it when it’s just grey. I feel that the grey is justified when it’s at least raining.
Yesterday seems foggy. I hardly remember it. I had stayed up late smoking weed the night before, meaning that I felt pretty shitting for most of yesterday. I smoked twice yesterday- once in the afternoon and again in the evening. I was going to smoke again at 9 but I just couldn’t get the joint roller to work. I gave up and didn’t bother. I’m glad about that, because I got a pretty good sleep, not as good as if I hadn’t smoked at all, though.
Around 10:30 I was looking at my monitor downstairs. I was playing around with it, curios to see if it did anything I didn’t know it could do. I saw that the refresh rate was at 60Hz and that there was an option to go up to 75. I selected that and the everything went to shit. The monitor just went black and wouldn’t come on again. I opened the laptop and suddenly the monitor came on again, but whenever I’d close the laptop, the monitor would once again go off. I think I was able to get the monitor back to 60Hz, but it won’t stay on with the Mac closed. I have no fucking idea what happened. I got really fucking frustrated last night. I felt like I’d wasted an entire hour, and I hadn’t even fixed it. I tried again this morning and it still didn’t work. I don’t need to use the computer downstairs right now, so it’s not urgent. I just hate when I spend time on something and it still doesn’t make a difference.
I think there’s a lesson here though. In life, there’s going to constantly be situations like this one- something is not working and it’s really frustrating, but fixing the problem is not urgent. I realize that as shitty as if feels knowing that it’s not working, it might not be as bad as a scenario where I spend the whole day trying to fix it at the expense of spending time on more urgent things. I think I need a system where when an issue arises, I first try to solve it. If after a certain amount of time the issue has not been resolved, I then assess how important resolving the issue really is. If I determine that it is not of major importance, than perhaps I should put off fixing the issue in order to put my time towards more pressing issues.
The thing is, there’s always going to be issues. Each issue varies in importance at that particular time. Obviously the most pressing issues should be dealt with sooner. I guess a key component to the system is a method of determining and assigning importance to different issues.
I guess this is where having a long term goal can be handy. That’s what helped with the website. I had an overarching ‘principle’. The smaller and frequently arising ideas could be held up in contrast with other ideas. The overarching principle could then be used to reveal which idea may be of most value.
A sense of direction.
While walking Harry I started thinking about how much I like my jacket. I started thinking about how many things I own that I truly like. There’s a few of them. My jacket, my AirPods, my MacBook Air, my black pants, my watch, audio interface. I’m sure there’s more. But basically I was thinking how nice it would be if I only owned things I truly loved. It would be nice to remove all the things from my life that are just ‘ok’. I have a lot of stuff, and if I’m going to move to Australia in November, I’d better start getting rid of some things. The things that I can easily get rid off are clothes I no longer wear, wires I don’t use, or broken things.
I love the idea of being able to have everything I need fit into one or two suitcases. I love the idea of being able to go anywhere in the world and have my setup. I don’t mean I want to have no possessions, I just mean that I want the things I own to be so good, that in some cases they can do multiple jobs really well. A laptop is a perfect example. A monitor doesn’t really make sense, except that I still have a MacBook Pro that works fine, but which I can’t sell because the screen is broken. So does it make sense to keep the monitor? I like the idea of having backups. If this laptop breaks or is lost, I still have a backup.
Ideally these are things I’d like to bring to Australia.
- MacBook Air
- MacBook Pro
- Asus Monitor
- Stereo Monitors
- Scarlett Solo
- Rode Mic Arm
- Compressor Mic
- Electric Guitar
- Bluetooth Mouse
- Bluetooth Keyboard
- Canon R
- Canon Rebel T5i
- Minolta x-700
- Camera Accessories (Lens, Microphones)
I think that one ‘principle’ I could start using when it comes to determining what I should own is to ask myself how well it serves the ‘Holy Superfecta’.
The Holy Superfecta consists of Writing, Photography, Videography, and Music. Those are the main things I’d like to devote my time towards, with my website serving as the ‘hub’. Since the pursuit of all four disciplines will produce ‘forms’ of one kind or another, the website serves as a ‘shelf’ where all of the ‘forms’ can be collected and organized by date.
I think ultimately it makes sense to have something going on in one of the 4 disciplines at all times. I guess one of the 5, since the website needs to be able to work properly as envisioned. I don’t know what’s better- taking turns between disciplines, such as one month photography, one mont videography, etc, or doing all of them but in smaller bite sizes. I like the idea of them all growing together. I also think that if an opportunity arises that will require a lot of time on just one, I should still be open to taking that opportunity.
So as of right now, I have zero going on in any of these fields. Great.
I guess I can jot does ideas for each. They don’t need to be huge things like ‘be a professional photographer for a magazine’ and ‘be a professional sitcom writer’.
They can be smaller bite sized things that I could even just do once a week. One day a week is better than zero days a week, plus since I’m focusing on 4 disciplines, that’s 4 days a week in the world of art. Oh and by the way, I want things that involve other people. I’m not talking about doing these things alone in my room. I’ve done that for years now. I still want to keep doing those personal projects, but I also want to have something going on, sorta like how I’m dog walking.
Photography
- Street Photography
- Putting Up Street Art
- Freelance Photography
- Volunteer Photography
- Volunteer Magazine Photographer
- Photography Groups
- Photograph video productions
Videography
- Freelance Videography
- Production Assistant
- Working on Small Sets
Music
- Open Mic Nights
- Volunteer at a Studio
Writing
- Courses
- Stand-Up Comedy
- Thursday Writing Group
If I could be involved in just one thing for each discipline, that would be awesome. That way I’ll have a steady stream of content and practise.
Paddle Her Ass
March 17, 2022
Today is quite beautiful. It was super foggy last night and this morning, but it’s all evaporated now. The sky is blue, although there’s still a slight haze. It looks cool, asides from all the soggy mud everywhere. I feel very good. I woke up at 8:30 and went on a jog! I’ve gotten into the habit of not running in the morning. Now that it’s not horribly cold I’ve got no excuse not to go. I wasn’t gonna run, but I decided to do it. I felt amazing afterwards. I totally forgot how much of a difference it makes when I jog first thing in the morning. I feel so sharp and awake afterwards. I sat on the couch and read for about 2 hours. It was so much easier to read today, I guess because I didn’t smoke weed yesterday and because I actually ran.
At 11 I walked Harry the big black dog. It was nice, although I much prefer walking him at 3. It’s just this week that I’m walking him in the morning. 3 is the perfect time for me because by then I’ve had lots of time to read, I’ve worked on stuff for 2 hours and I’ve eaten. After all that my brain starts to get sleepy so it’s a great excuse to go out for a walk. If I was at home I’d just sorta sit around being unproductive until like 5.
I’ve gotta run up to the Fox. They can’t find the keys. I closed last night with Denzel. I actually remember that I couldn’t find them last night either. I was gonna ask Denzel where he’d put them but I forgot to ask. So yah, I gotta do that now and I’m gonna get some groceries at the same time.
*
Just got back. I couldn’t find the keys. I gotta feeling Denzel took them home by accident.
I love this laptop so much. It’s such a joy to use for some reason. When I watched the review people said that they got excited when they knew they had to use it. I have the same feeling. I don’t quite know what it is. I had a similar feeling with my first Mac. That was a 2015 MacBook Pro. I didn’t have that feeling with my second Mac for some reason. That was a 2018 MacBook Pro. It had the TouchBar, the butterfly keyboard, the USB-C ports. I guess it was a combination of those things and maybe some other things. This one has a much better keyboard and no more Touch Bar. I much prefer it without the Touch Bar. I still think it’s a super cool idea, and it worked well. I just never needed it. The computer is actually easier to use without it, for me at least. This is also the thinnest and lightest of the Macs I’ve owned. It’s only a MacBook Air. It’s also the fastest Mac I’ve owned by far. It’s insane just how fast it is. I even got it with 16 GB of RAM, so it’s quite powerful. I can do all my video and photo editing and music making on here just fine. There’s also no fan, and it almost never gets warm. It’s pretty insane. It’s using a chip designed by Apple. All previous Macs were using chips designed by other companies. My last two Macs were using Intel chips. It’s actually a pretty exciting time for Apple. I haven’t felt this sort of excitement since I was really young, when Steve Jobs was still alive. The products look awesome, and yet they’re not doing as many things that totally annoy people. The machines are so fucking fast, so the relatively high prices feel totally justified. I can do everything I need with a MacBook Air with 16 GB of RAM. It’s insane. This is only the base line Apple chip. Every other chip Apple makes will be even faster than this, and this one already feels overpowered in most cases. So yah, I’m very happy with it. I’ve been so careful with it. I want it to last a long time.
I’ve been getting excited about the website again. I can envision what it could be in my head quite clearly. I realize how helpful it could be for other people, not just myself. Just from talking to people the last few days about random stuff I’ll notice how it could help them. This morning I was talking to Brooke, Harry’s owner, and she was telling me how she has so many random things she’s written that are in her notes and scattered on her computer. I would love if I could just give her the software today. It would be so helpful. Ultimately, you should be able to have documents written in notes that are automatically uploaded to the website, very much like iCloud. I would also like the software to be able to scan your whole computer and compile all the different file types, as opposed to going through hard drives and looking for things. You could select something that says ‘Reveal All JPEGS’ or Reveal All MP3’. It should be able to do any file type. Once it’s showed you all the files, you should then be able to easily have those files upload straight to the website- the only thing you have to do would be to specify the date you’d like it placed in, if it’s different from date that the document was created. I like the idea of it uploading to a cloud storage system (the back end) as well as the website (the front end). It would be really cool if it could work seamlessly with platforms like iCloud, Microsoft One Drive, DropBox, etc. Those would serve as the back end.
As of right now there’s not really an easy and enjoyable way to look at old memories that are stored digitally. People might have everything organized perfectly on hard drives, but that’s like the equivalent of having all your family photos arranged perfectly in boxes. What you want is to have them organized in photo books that you can engage with and flip through, only this photo book includes not only photos, but videos, written documents, music, or anything else really. Any file type.
So I guess what I gotta do is first get as far as I can go with a version for myself. I’m probably gonna have to start learning to code at some point. I think that once I have mine as far as I can take it, I should then pick some one, either a friend or family member, and design one for them. That way I can get very good at building them since the repetition will be useful.
I also gotta start getting serious about Australia. There’s quite a few things that are gonna be challenging, so the sooner I get started the better. I’ve gotta apply for a Visa. I’ve gotta figure out what I want to bring, and then I’ve gotta get rid of a bunch of stuff in the house. I guess I’m gonna have to ship some things? I want to bring my electric guitar, my cameras, my speakers and mics and I would love to bring my monitor. I don’t use it often but I love that thing. I haven’t been using it with my old Mac only because I haven’t been making music, but that’s what it’s basically for, and I’m definitely going to keep making music.
I don’t want to get rid of family photos, so I’m thinking that I’ll scan all the photos, and then hopefully I can leave them with Mami’s photos at her place in Montreal. There’s only a few photo books. I also want to keep childhood stuff, like the bag of stories and drawings. Hopefully I can leave them with Mami as well. I don’t want to be sorting through Liam’s stuff. I told him before he left that this was not his storage space. I told that to dad as well. I remember so vividly telling them that, and how angry they got at me. They can be such fucking morons sometimes. What do they expect me to do once I move out? Just pack their things with me and take it all to my next place? I told them both to decide what they’re gonna do with their stuff, because once I move out, I’m just gonna throw out what’s still there. They got so fucking angry at me. That’s part of why I’m so excited to leave. I still feel like I’m weighed down by the both of them in a way, I guess because so much of there stuff is here, and because we all lived here. I love the idea of living somewhere where it’s only MY stuff. I’m free from them completely. That really excites me. For some reason it make me feel weird when I talk to mom and dad on the phone, and I know that they know what the apartment looks like, as well the neighbourhood. It’s hard to explain, but one of the things that happened with Liam is that we totally don’t know his life anymore, aside from what he tells us and what he shares online. I don’t mean I want to cut them off the way he kinda did. Not at all. I really love talking to them both and having them in my lives. I just feel like I’m still living in my Dad’s house, and I don’t feel totally independent yet. I always feel like I kinda owe him something, since he’s the one I send rent to, and anytime something breaks around the house he’s the one I message so that he can contact the building. I won’t ever have to do that again in a different house. It will be nice to have that bit of freedom and not feel dependant on him anymore. I think it’ll be good for the both of us, actually.
I’ve gotta go to Nana’s today. I wish I didn’t dread going there. I only see her once a week and it’s really nice to see her. It’s literally just getting there and back that causes me such a headache. I think it annoys me because I know how close she is and yet it’s so slow getting there. It was much easier and faster when I would bike there. Now it’s like 3-4 hours somehow from the time I leave the house to the time I’m home. I don’t have a working bike, plus I often have groceries with me. And then I feel like I’m in a bad mood when I’m there and like I’m just trying to finish up the jobs as soon as possible. I feel excited and guilty to be leaving her. I feel excited because it can feel pretty suffocating talking with her sometimes. Dad had it much much worse, even mom. They both talk about how hard it was to ever talk to her just because she’s always asking questions about your life and why you’re not doing so and so and when you’re gonna do so and so. That wouldn’t be so bad if she was at least was happy for you when you actually accomplished one of those things. It’s so weird, because she’ll ask and ask when you’re gonna start a particular thing, and when you finally start it, she couldn’t seem to care less and will immediately move onto the next set of questions that she has. She’s not as bad with me as she is with Mom and Dad. I feel like I’m pretty good at getting her to stop. I kind of just answer simply and vaguely, and then ask her some questions. When we’re just chatting it’s very nice. I think it’s that she feels like she needs to talk about something and the only thing she can think of is to just ask for updates. Anyways, I feel excited to not have that anymore. It can also be hard because she is constantly trying to instil fear, it seems. I don’t think she’s doing it intentionally. If she could have it her way she would have her whole family living next to her in a retirement home, never going out at night, never leaving the city or the country. I remember on the boat how frustrated dad would get because she was always sending him emails with updates about gringos who’d recently died in Mexico. I’m expecting her to do the same with me once I tell her I’m serious about going to Australia. I feel guilty though, because she’s so old and sorta relies on me for a few things at this point. I also worry that once I’m gone she won’t feel that she has much reason to live. I don’t want to imply that I don’t like her. That’s not true at all. I fucking love her so much, she’s so amazing in so many ways. I need to definitely get as many recorded interviews with her as I can. She has such amazing memories, and she has such an amazing way of recounting them. She was born in 1929 and so she saw the majority of the 20th century. It’s her memories of World War 2 that are particularly incredible. She was 10 years old living in Manchester when it started and 16 by the time it ended so she remembers it all just fine.
Go Hiking
March 15, 2022
I’m a taller guy on days when I’m sick. It’s now that I fall fast like this.
I’m tough on boys a lot. I always tear them apart. It’s so aggressive of me! I’m like a fleeing bomb full of laughter!!!!
That’s a success for me. That’s my greatest achievement!
I’m actually happy for you! I will sit on this brick until I’m made Mayor.
You all owe me a bunch of money anyways, from the time that I stole the soup from the kitchen? And you all said that I was up to no good every Sunday?
I told you people to go hiking or some other random sport. I was so done with the bags, and so I put them down. Look at all the hikers! You are all tough on me.
A Paradise For My Pooch
March 14, 2022
It’s a beautiful day out today. At least from inside it is. Well not so much anymore actually. It was pretty sunny all morning, now it’s grey again. I woke up at 8 and read until 12. I’m reading ‘Mila 18’ and I am enjoying it a lot. I’m learning about all sorts of interesting things involving Europe and World War 2. It’s such an interesting way to learn, since the book is historical fiction. All the dates, locations, facts are accurate. It’s the specific characters that are fiction. I like this style because it allows me to really ‘feel’ the events in a way I don’t get when reading purely non-fiction accounts of an event. Because there’s characters that I’m invested in, it sorta allows me to really imagine I’m there and that this stuff actually happened.
It also makes me angry about war. From a broad perspective, like observing from a distance, conflict doesn’t seem that weird, but when you zoom way in and observe on the scale of humans, that’s when it all starts to feel completely insane. All these young guys in the middle of the country side murdering each other. It’s so bizarre. All the money and engineering that’s used to ultimately end lives. Its such a strange way to spend money! What makes me angry is when they take that technology and thinking to cities. I sorta understand when they’re blowing up bridges or roads or train tracks, but when they shoot and bomb cities and towns, that’s when I start feeling this anger in myself. It’s just so insane. What are you doing? I suppose the goal is to demoralize the people, making the attack and capture of a target quicker and easier.
I find myself trying to see all this from the perspective of whoever is flying the UFO’s. They must be totally disheartened and saddened. We have so much potential. We could turn this place into the most unbelievable ecosystem. I guess that’s what the Nazi’s wanted, though. That’s the weird and disturbing thing about the Nazi’s. They actually kind of wanted that future. They wanted the world to be a paradise, free from disease and suffering. They wanted a blank slate that they could then build what they hoped might be a better world. They were so close and yet so unbelievably far in their idea of how to make a better planet. It’s a bad sign when the first step in your goal of establishing a utopia involves murdering whatever is already living there. The act of murder is a presentation of how flawed the system might really be. When a system is flawed from the very beginning, even if it seems to be a minor flaw, the flaw might have a broader influence over time as the system grows.
It’s easy to understand why people are so fascinated by Hitler and the Nazis. On one hand, they had this unbelievable ability to focus and get the job done. There was so clearly a streak of intelligence there. They were so good at what they wanted to do. The part that is so surprising though, is how they didn’t seem to know when to stop.
It’s sorta like if there was an office building in a city, and this buildings main tenant was Poland. The Nazis decide they want to be the main tenants of this building, so they go ahead and murder and enslave the Poles inside. That concept isn’t that new in world history. The weird part to me is that the Nazi’s seemed to be so confident in themselves, that they decided to keep going. ‘Why not become the main tenant of that building across the street as well! Heck, why not occupy the whole block! Why could occupy the whole neighbourhood!’
And so that’s what they seemed to attempt with Europe, which just seems so insane and obvious in its impossibility. I guess they were betting on certain advances in technology? If they had gotten a nuke then maybe that becomes more realistic? But still, this idea that they need to do it as quick as possible just seems kind of dumb. Why not do it in stages? I’m sure there’s plenty of important factors that I’m totally ignorant too. In fact, the idea of doing it in stages may have been the plan, but the fact that England and France got involved may have forced them to just go for it. I don’t know, I haven’t got that far yet.
I’ve been very excited about Australia. It’s sinking in more and more each day that I can actually do this. I see it as real now. The thought of leaving a city that is grey for half the year is making me buzz. I’ve got something to really look forewords to, if I want it. It’s also made me more aware of my past for some reason. Now that I see I can leave, I’ve started looking at Toronto as one of the chapters in my life. I often forget that I haven’t lived here all my life. I often forget memories of being on the boat, or on Salt Spring. Now I see that Australia can be another chapter, and that Toronto will have been a chapter.
The idea of leaving people behind doesn’t seem as upsetting anymore, I think because every time I mention it to friends, they’re actually very excited for me! Veronica thought it sounded so cool. She almost seemed jealous. Carter also has been excited about the idea, especially when I told him that I’d be going to Gold Coast. He thought that was super cool. The only people I can see being genuinely sad will be Nana and Mami. Even talking on the phone or messaging will become slightly difficult, since day time in Canada is night time in Australia. I’m excited to see Yoga and Pablo and try the food at their restaurant. I’m a little worried about the weather. It’s gonna be hot, but I’m also worried about all the bushfires they get there. I recently watched the documentary about the recent wildfires in Australia. They were absolutely insane. The scale seemed prehistoric. The videos of the mushroom-like clouds that went straight up were unlike anything I’d ever imagined. So that’s a little concerning.
I’ve still gotta get my new passport. My Second City class was canceled for the second time due to low enrolment. I guess that means I may be able to go visit Dad.
I didn’t smoke any weed yesterday, but I’ve been thinking about it today. I’m reading Alan Carr’s book and it’s helping a lot with the weed. He wrote it about cigarettes, but the principles seem pretty much applicable to any sort of addiction. That’s what I realized the other day when I was high. I realized that I’m addicted. I have this powerful urge to do a thing I know I don’t like. Every time I roll a joint, I know I’m not gonna enjoy it. That’s how it was with cigarettes as well. The act of smoking just quiets the withdrawal pangs for the moment, although they always return. And continuing to smoke just feeds that creature, and enlarges its appetite.
I’m still quite tempted to smoke though, I think because in the book you’re allowed to keep smoking cigarettes while reading. The point is that if you’re having to use will power to refrain from smoking, you’re not doing it properly. Once you get what he’s saying, it becomes easy and enjoyable to stop. The issue with weed is that once I smoke, the effects are with me basically for the rest of the day. It’s not like a cigarette where I felt more or less normal after about 20 minutes. With weed it seems to take a full night of sleep before I’m back to normal. Even then it might be longer, depending on how late I smoke, since it will affect my sleep making the next day potentially miserable. For me, being stoned makes being alive feel like a chore.
Attractive Like I
March 13, 2022
I want to have a very nice file management system. I’m realizing now how powerful and helpful iCloud can be for this.
There’s 4 main categories. Pictures, Videos, Audio and Writing.
For writing, I’d like it so that I can access the documents from any device very easily.
Up until now I’ve been doing all my writing in Google Docs. That app would be great if I was using a Pixel Phone, or any other Google phone, but since I have an iPhone, it might make more sense to be using Pages. The downside of Google Docs is that I need to be connected to the internet to start writing a document there. Pages might be better because I can start a document on my Mac, have it automatically save to iCloud, allowing me to add more to that document right from my iPhone.
Once the document is finished, its permanently stored in iCloud. I can’t change the name of the pages folder, but for now that will be where all my writing is stored. Inside the pages folder I can have everything sorted by date. It seems like it could be a really nice way to store things. Everything is always backed up to the cloud, so losing or breaking my computer or phone won’t mean I lose anything. The writing also starts on the device, which I like, because it means I don’t need to be connected to the internet to begin a document. I can start writing on a bus or cafe, and as soon as my computers connects to wi-fi, the document will automatically upload to iCloud It’s really cool, and I love the feeling I get. It’s the really nice feeling of knowing things are safe. I guess there’s always the possibility of being hacked, which is why I still think it’s important to have everything saved to hard drives, just in case. This can something I do like every 3 months or something like that, where I download all the new stuff from the last 3 months from iCloud and copy it all over to 2 or more external drives.
I just downloaded Pages for my iPhone and it works quite nicely. I can edit a document I started on my Mac and vice versa. I can also access older documents because they’re all grouped together in iCloud and accessible right from the Pages app. I don’t need to leave Pages and go to Drive to access them.
Ok so that’s writing. Then there’s photos. I think that the Photos app can come in handy, but only to an extent. I think it might be helpful for photos taken with the iPhone.
Stoned Again
March 12, 2022
Areas To Focus On:
Getting Passport
Australian Visa
Going to Open-Mics
Having RAG up and running
I’m at home, high. I’m on the couch. Just sat here doin stuff. I’m the cloud! I am! I am the magic tool maker who builds this couch! I’m powerful for several reasons. I’m the first guy in line for you. I’m that serious. I’m really on steroids these days.This is some important stuff you gotta do! You can’t stop those things. That’s all that I’m talking about. You can talk to me with you. Listen up.
I’m so fucking bored.
I’m bored as fuck. It’s all one fire anyways. I’m just high and bored. I wanna have sex . That sounds fucking fun, uhhhhh. I don’t wanna try. I blame weed. tHere I said it. I think if one thing should. Go to see if things improve, it would be weed. That’s all I’m saying. I don’t take long enough breaks. I crack and go back. It's weird that it pulls me back. Quitting peanut butter or eggs or a coke or chips don’t pull me like that. Why does weed? It keeps convincing me to do it. And I get really low. I feel so low. I don’t get high I get low.
Why do I keep wanting to get low? I keep thinking how it’s helped me before. That’s the thing that ends up scaring me the most. I think of the times when I realized something really cool when I was high or had a great idea that got implemented in something.
RAG
Mar 11, 2022
It’s snowing outside. It looks really pretty. I just finished reading ‘My Life In Art’. I feel like it had so much to teach. It was very dense in knowledge. I’m sure it will have a good effect on me.
I smoked weed yesterday, so I’m a little tired today. I’m hoping to try some sort of system where I stay sober for like a week, then smoke at the end of it. The problem always is that I end up smoking for more than just one day. I have a hard time not becoming a total pothead. It’s impossible to grow when I’m high.
I just find it really useful to smoke once in a while because of the new perspective I always get. It doesn’t help to actually be high when living my life. It makes everything much more boring and difficult. I see weed as being like goggles you can put on once in a while, just to get a perspective shift.
For example, when I’m building the website and I feel stuck on something, I find that after smoking weed I suddenly see a new approach that is totally obvious. The weed does nothing to help with actually implementing the new idea. It actually makes that part way, way harder. Weed just sends me straight into my head. In some cases that sucks and is anxiety inducing, while in other cases it turns out to be helpful.
The problem is when I get stuck with it. Once I start doing it every day it becomes pretty pointless. Sure, I may have tons and tons of ideas, but because I’m tired and lazy I never actually implement any of them. That’s where being sober is so important.
I’m also wary of designing a system whereby I rely on marijuana for inspiration and direction. It sorta seems like a bad road, long term. But maybe not, I don’t know yet. If I can control it then I think it's fine. It’s just this problem of abusing it.
I talked to mom last night and she told me how excited Yoga and Pablo are about the idea of me going to Australia and staying with them. That’s really great news. It is exactly what I’ve wanted for the last couple years, and I don’t think the full weight of it has set in yet.
I have an opportunity similar to the one Liam had, in that there’s a new location with a job and home already waiting for me. It’s awesome news. I can move to Australia if I want to. I can do it. There’s a very clear destination, I just have to travel along the path over the next months to get it all set up.
There’s this funny feeling about the idea of leaving Toronto. The main one is Nana. She’ll be very alone once I leave. Of course I don’t want to make decisions based solely on her. That would be robbing myself of something important.
The other factor is this apartment. I hope that we can figure out a way in which we can keep this place. Maybe dad could stay here? Maybe Jason could kinda become in charge, and I could find a great person to rent out my room. I could charge a little extra, like $700 a month, that way I’d make a little extra money.
I also think about friends. There’s a few friendships that might not survive the move.
I made my first website when I was about 21, but that was intended to be a professional portfolio. All of my personal projects were being uploaded to whichever sites best housed them, such as Vimo and YouTube for my videos, SoundCloud, Bandcamp and Spotify for my music, Instagram and Flickr for my photos, and Commaful for my stories.
So the website will be everything I make sorted chronologically. There will also be a similar back-end system. What I’d like to develop is a way that I can drop images into a little folder and it automatically adds the date that it was created and just prompts me to name it. It also gives me the option to automatically update the website with the new piece. There will also be an option to automatically put the things I’ve made through the RAG. I can choose the template and it’ll group them together into a new art piece, and I can easily put all the exports through over and over creating an infinite amount of new pieces.
Coffee Pain
March 9, 2022
I drank coffee this morning and read. I wanna finish the book so badly. I’ve got 30 pages left. I’ve been reading it forever. Next I’m gonna read ‘Mila 18’. Nana bought it for my birthday. I told her to pick a book that she enjoyed reading.
I talked to Dad very briefly. He had to take another call, but he’s gonna call back a little later today.
Later today I gotta walk Harry and I’m gonna see ‘Paper Moon’ at the Fox.
I’ve been thinking about weed more and more the last couple days. I’m just getting bored of being sober maybe? I don’t think it’s that, actually. I’ve noticed that when I get sober again, there’s this period where life starts feeling like a chore. It just feels like every day is about completing things and finishing goals. I start to feel something in myself solidifying. When I smoke I kinda stop caring about all the stuff, or maybe it’s just that I see that it doesn’t matter as much as I think. The problem, of course, is that I can’t just smoke once. I end up smoking every night. It becomes more and more.
I also don’t want to go back to weed just because life starts to feel difficult. I really want to acquire the skills and strengths that allow me to be resilient. I don’t want to be intimidated by life. A lot of the time I just feel that I’m not doing enough, or that I’m being lazy. It’s a pretty common human emotion, I’ve found. Just talking to other people reveals that. Even people who’ve achieved so much still talk and write about feeling as though they haven’t quite done it yet, whatever ‘it’ is.
I often think about the fact that it’s been so long since I drank. All the things I feel today with weed were felt by me when it came to drinking, only with drinking, these feelings were far far more intense.
I was genuinely scared that my life might become worse by taking a break. I also felt pretty sure that everyday would end up being a battle. I was sure I’d have to fight with myself every time I went out to a restaurant or hung out with friends. It turns out I was wrong. There was a period where that was true. I don’t think it was that long, though. I think it was less than a month. After that I never had cravings. There’s never any part of me these days that craves drinking.
I try and tell myself all this, and explain to myself that the same will apply to weed. There’s just this period of about a month where it’s sorta difficult, and after that it’s far easier to resist.