More Resumes

  Feb 19, 2024

I’m in my room. I just woke up. It’s 7:51 am. I have work at 10:30 am.

Yesterday I printed some resumes. First I went to Alice Cinemas. There was a woman there with a laptop. She looked like a manager. I asked if they were hiring. She said ‘no’. I asked if she knew when they might be. She said ‘no’. She just stared at me and smiled slightly. It was off putting. So I left.

    I was feeling pretty low. I walked over to Lumiere Cinemas. The woman there said they were hiring. I gave her my resume. I hope they call me. I really really hope so.

    I feel really low. This seems to be a common feeling for this time of year. Last year it was at this time that I started drinking again. The year before it was when I decided to start planning my Australia trip. That winter in Toronto had been really tough. It was freezing and cold and dark. I’d been smoking lots of weed. I’d quit posting a song and video every day the month before. I was sick of everything. I really wanted a change. 

I feel similar now. I feel angry with the universe in some ways. I feel annoyed that no one seems to care about all the things I make. I wanted to have a creative life like my heroes. That’s what I wanted to be doing. I feel sad that I’m working minimum wage jobs. I’ll never be able to pay off my debts like this. I’m making only enough to survive. 

I talked to mom yesterday. I was telling her that I want a proper job. I want a direction that I can move towards. I just don’t know. 
Right now it feels like a better job is the priority. My current job is making me miserable and I can’t think straight. 

Burn Time

Feb 18, 2024

    There was a big fire the other day. I walked out of work and saw a huge cloud of smoke. I thought it was from building in the city. It turned out to be the hill. It was much smaller by the evening.

    I was burnt for being broken.

    I’m going to drop off my resume at the little theatre again today. I really don’t want to work at the Greek place. 

    Yesterday was the year anniversary of when I started drinking again. I’m so grateful I’m sober. It’s been about three months. 

    I’m in a similar place to where I was a year ago. I feel similar. It’s just this feeling of being a bit lost and dissatisfied. Last time I added beer to the mix. That was the worst decision I could ever have made.

    I just wish I had a better job. I wish I was making more money. I have so much debt it’s ridiculous. This debt really began a year ago when I started drinking.

    It’s going to take me years to pay off my debt if I’m working minimum wage. I just don’t know what to do. 

 
Dreams

I was at the doctors. I was about to receive a vaccine. Dad offered to inject it himself. He did a good job, I barely felt a thing.

There was another woman there. She started yelling about her dislike of vaccines. This got dad really mad. He started yelling back. The woman’s daughter also started yelling at her mom.

The woman slowly stood and walked to front of the room while everyone continued to shout at her. She started peeing against the wall. It was a massive amount of pee. It was splashing off the walls and hitting me. She turned towards me and started spraying pee at me. I started running away. I couldn’t move very quickly. It was a horrible feeling. It felt absolutely disgusted. She followed me down a hallway. I finally made it to a bathroom. I got into a stall and took all my clothes off. I tried washing myself with tap water.

I was in the basement at El Pueblo. Dad came in the room. He was selling the place. He said that a potential buyer had arrived at the front door.

Friend Day

  Feb 13, 2024

    It was a nice day. I hung out with Pierre and Douma. They were meant to leave early in the morning but their plans changed. Last night they got a text saying their lift wouldn’t arrive until the afternoon.

    I was praying I wouldn’t get a text from Maria asking me to come in for work in the morning. I wanted the day off to hang out with them. I didn’t get a text, thank God. 

    Maria texted me this morning saying she’d forgotten to text last night. She asked if I could come in. I said I’d already met up with some friends for the day. 

    So I took my guitar and we hung out in the park. I was telling Pierre abut the book ‘Initiation’. He was pretty interested. 

    We checked out the botanical gardens and then walked back into town.

    We got some coffee and then they had to leave. They’ll be back in about 10 days. 

    It was still sorta strange seeing them holding hands and kissing. It felt like I was dreaming at times. It just seemed surreal. I never imagined that happening. 

    I’m happy for them, but I guess it will be difficult because Douma is going back to France pretty soon. Pierre is still in NZ for like 5 months.

    I was trying to figure out if I was responsible for them getting together. I’d been in contact with both of them since Vipassana. I don’t they were texting each other. 

    Douma had come to Christchurch and we had hung out. I think I was the one who told her about Pierre being on a boat. I think that’s why she reached out to him. I think she just needed a place to stay for a night or two. 

    They met up and ended spending like three weeks together. 

    I gotta ask them if I was the reason they’re together! 

   

            Dreams

    I was at Nana’s house. I heard her calling me. She asked if I would make her a microwave dinner. She wanted one with pork.

    I was watching the Beatles make their Get Back documentary. They were performing songs next to the road. I was watching through a fence. George came over and said hi.

    I was in a big park with Cary and Liam. We were smoking weed from a bong. Cary’s parents arrived to take him home. We hid the bong. Cary stuffed it in is bag without them noticing. 

    We all started walking. I was at the bottom of the hill. I turned and noticed that Liam and Cary had gone a different direction from the parents. I wondered if they were smoking again. I ran back up the hill.

    I got to the top of the hill. There were many people at the side of the road. The sun was just coming up. I found Liam and Cary with some other guys. They’d already finished smoking. Someone introduced me to the owner of Rollickin’ gelato.  
I started talking to a French guy.

A Joyless Job

  Feb 12, 2024

    I’m not enjoying work at all.  I don’t like the atmosphere. I’m not being trained properly and they get annoyed when I ask questions. It just doesn’t feel comfortable. I still haven’t gotten a work schedule yet. They just text me the night before. It’s really annoying. 

    I want to continue applying to the theatre here in Christchurch. 

    Part of me feels guilty for trying to leave. I’m annoyed with myself for feeling guilty though. I should be thinking about what’s best for me. I didn’t come all the way to NZ to work at a place I hate. I want a cool experience and I want to make friends. I don’t want to be treated like I’m stupid. 

    I actually don’t care that much about the kind of work I do. I just want to be around people who I can be friends with outside of work. Like how it was at Vipassana and at the Fox.

    I’m sure they’ll be less impatient with me over time. But I can tell that it’s not the kind of place I’ll ever get excited about going to. They’re still sometimes rude with people who’ve been there a while. Everyone is telling me different things.

    Pierre and Douma came to town. We met up after I finished work. We went for dinner with one of their friends. It was a nice time. We walked through the park as the sun went down. Then the caught the bus back to their campsite.

            Dreams

    I was supervising three kids. Their dad told me to not let them vape. 

    I was in the backyard. and I knew that all three kids were vaping behind a fence. A man was also vaping with them. I didn’t know who the man was.

    The kids came out from behind the fence, one by one. They went into the house. 

    Then there was a loud noise. The man was ripping up the fence and hoisting it into the air. The man was Tom Cruise! He had a huge smile. He carried the fence over his head and threw it on the ground. Then he left.

    I was in a grocery store. RFK Jr. was at the cash register. I approached him to pay for my item. I think he was my dad. He asked me if I could grab him a yoghurt from the car. I said sure. He was still behind the counter, but now he was signing autographs. 

    I had to leave soon for the airport. I started rummaging around in the car, looking for his yoghurt. 

Beautiful Birthday

  Feb 11, 2024

    Twas my birthday yesterday. I didn’t do much, but it was a nice day. 

    I went to work in the morning. I was wondering what to do with the rest of the evening. My co-workers said to go to the Chinese New Year festival in the park. I thought that sounded nice. It ended up raining. 

    Instead I had popcorn and watched some of ‘Man On Wire’! It was very nice with the rain outside. 

    I went to the festival the next day. It lasted all weekend. I couldn’t believe that Chinese New Year landed on my birthday this year! It’s the year of the wood dragon. 

    It was also a new moon on my birthday, and the moon was in Aquarius, which is my sign! It was so many cool things all on the same day. 

    It actually feels nice being 25. It’s a similar feeling to when I was in the second half of my teen years. 

    I much preferred 17, 18 and 19 over 12, 13 and 14. Maybe it’s the same in my twenties. I’ve enjoyed the first half of my twenties, but maybe it’ll get even better. \

    I do feel less pressure in some ways. I’ve been obsessed with the age of 24 for years. Kurt Cobain and John Lennon were both 24 when they achieved world fame. I found that out when I was 16 or 17. Ever since than I’ve felt this pressure to do the same. 

    A couple months ago I finally let go of that. It felt really nice. And now I’m 25 and it really feels like a whole new chapter in my life.

    I’ve only thought as far as 24 for past 8ish years. I feel relieved to be done with that.