A Reasonable Raisin

 Apr 25, 2024

    I’m at home. It feels weird calling this home. I just don’t feel at ease. I guess there’s a lot of things that I could do about that. The lights here in the room are not pleasant. They’re really bright, and they’re cold. I wanted a lamp since I arrived but I never got around to getting one. 

    My roommates are friendly, but I don’t feel any connection. I just feel like I’m in somebody else’s house. 

    I started drinking again on Saturday. It was completely unexpected. I’ve been craving weed for a really long time. It’s been slowly building up in me. I’ve been fantasizing smoking a joint by the boardwalk in Toronto. It’s been in my dreams. I hadn’t tried very hard to get any here in Christchurch. I figured it would probably be best that I didn’t. It’s not like Canada where I can just walk into a shop and buy a joint. You have to know people here. 

    I found a Facebook group where people seemed to be selling. I didn’t post for a little while. 

    On Saturday I was with Mark and Jayne. I posted a message that morning asking if anyone knew how I could pick up in. My message wasn’t being posted. It had to first be approved by the moderator. 

    I was getting restless by the time I got home. It was getting late and I was really craving at that point. It got to the point where I felt already high, or dazed. This mania sets in when I start to crave. My vision seems to get funny. It’s like everything looks a bit fuzzy. It’s the restless feeling of having decided to get high and then not being able to do it. At some point I started considering beer. I hadn’t been thinking about alcohol at all before. It was just weed. I started craving it and fantasizing how it would feel. I just wanted to ‘altered’ in someway.

So I walked to the grocery store. I bought two 6-packs and cigarettes. It came to about $70. I drank a bit in the park. I smoked a few cigarettes. Then I came back and hung out in my room for a bit. 

Eventually I left the house and looked for a bar. It turned out to be a very long and extremely boring night. I just wandered from place to place, chatting with random people. It’s what always happens. The walk home was particularly depressing. I just wanted to be dead. I felt so hopeless. 

I drank again on Tuesday night. I bought another 12 beers after work. I had about 10 at home. I have foggy memories of that, exact I remember going downstairs and vomiting in the toilet. That was weird, because I don’t think I’ve ever thrown up so early in the night. 

I went out after that and started wandering the streets. I bumped into some other guy at one point. I started walking with him. He had weed and he gave me about a gram in exchange for cigarettes. I didn’t have any so we went and bought some. 

    I remember walking with him for a long time. I don’t know where we were going or what the plan was. It might’ve been to go back to his place to smoke weed. At some point we separated at a bus stop. He was going to stay there and catch a bus. I had no idea where I was but then I recognized one of Christchurch’s only tall buildings not far away. So I walked in that direction. 

I went to to some bars and just chatted with people. It was pretty boring as usual. I stared heading home at the end of the night. 

    I wanted to smoke the weed first, though. I was trying to pack it into one of my cigarettes. It wasn’t working. Two random guys showed up. I started chatting with them.

    I can’t really remember what we said but suddenly I was walking with them. They had a pop can and we were going to turn that into a bong. We sat on a ledge and hung out for a little while. I gave them one of my beers. After I’d smoked I got up and headed home. 

That walk was what I had been craving for months, which was to be drunk and high listening to music I’ve made. That’s like peak pleasure in my mind. It turned out to be pretty bland and dull. I felt so numb and out of it that I could hardly pay attention to the music. I was just in my head. It felt like dreaming, or being asleep. I have almost no memory of the walk home. 

I was going to go to AA today. There was one at 6:30 pm by Hagley Park. I finished work at 3. I was going to hang out in the library for a couple hours. The library was closed because today is Anzac Day, which is like remembrance day. I walked home instead. 

I haven’t been to AA in Christchurch. That’s probably why all of this happened. All of the meetings are at weird times and nowhere near my place. In Melbourne they were everywhere, and all day long. The sizes of the two cities aren’t comparable, though. Melbourne has around 5 million and Christchurch has around half a million. 

Tomorrow will be my last day working with Dimitri. I’m very happy about that. He will be in Greece for 7 weeks. I don’t really expect to still be here by the time he gets back. I kind of hope I’ll be gone. I’m planning on going to Montreal to stay with Mami for a little bit. I’m not too sure after that. 

Migraine Time

April 16, 2024

The last few days have felt intense. I tried to quit my job the other day. Working with Dimitri is too much for me. He’s been following me around and critiquing everything little thing I do. It sees endless.  

I told Despina that I hadn’t been feeling very good lately. I told her that maybe I should quit. She said to go talk to Dimitri. I went outside and found him. I told him that I thought I should quit. He started talking a whole bunch. He started telling me all the things I was doing wrong. He kept going and going. He seemed to be telling me to stay. I was kind of confused. 

I asked why he wanted me to stay, if I wasn’t doing very well. He basically just talked for a long time. I just sat there and nodded my head and said’ yup yup yup’. He used a lot of words to basically say I wasn’t trying very hard and that I should stay and try again. 

I’ve felt completely exhausted. I don’t ever feel calm or relaxed when Dimitri is around. I’m constantly on edge. Even my dreams are filled with arguments. That energy seems to follow me around. 

He’s constantly changing the way he does stuff around the shop. And he seems to think he’s been doing everything the same way for 40 years. He’s always accusing me of not listening to him. 

He wants things done the way he does them. He’s like this controlling dictator. 

It’s the opposite of all the jobs I’ve ever had. Quality and consistency are usually the most important things. Everyone at the Fox had a slightly different way of doing things. As long as the job was done well.

 He would say that he agrees with that, but what he really wants is for me to mirror his every move. He also seems to want me to match his energy, which is chaotic and frantic.

And I can’t talk with him. It literally feels like arguing with a bird or a robot. I don’t feel like there’s anybody there. It feels like speaking to a shell. It feels like he’s never really listening. 

He’s meant to go to Greece for all of May. That means I’ve got another week and a half of him. I don’t want to be working there when he gets back.

I’ve got $1000 left on my credit card. That feels pretty amazing. It should be payed off pretty soon. It seems to be going pretty fast. I think I only got down to $1900 when I left Melbourne. I don’t know why I payed off so little. I guess because I was drinking so much. 

It had gone all the way back to $4500 when I moved into this place. I don’t know how that happened. I wasn’t drinking at all in New Zealand. The most expensive thing I bought was a lens, which was $800. The hostels were also extremely expensive. It still amazes me how it can add up so fast.

The debt started when I left Yoga and Pablo’s place. So it’s been about a year of trying to pay it off. 
Working for Jane and Mark has been the exact opposite of Dimitri's. It’s a real dream job. I feel pretty lucky to have found it. I started working with them on Sundays as well. I take Jane to church in the evening. 

A great big cruise ship sails through the sea.
Sea horses and turtles swim beneath the hull. 
The sun shines bright and happily. 
An island full apes watch the approaching ship. 
Everyone is waving from the ocean liner. 
The captain laughs in the cockpit. 
Children are fishing from the side of the boat. 
The bats from above are floating in the air. 
A fishing boat laughs as they are eaten by sharks. 
Hungry whales swim through the ocean. They eat up all of the life. 
A UFO floats below the sea. 

Eclipse

April 9, 2024

The budding apprentice was called forwards. Blue tiles lined the walls. The air was fresh. It was coming through the window.

“How many more hours until the sun rises?” Asked the patriot.
“The light enters your body in 15 minutes,” responded a naked narcotics agent.
An albatross chirped in the corner. 
I painted a scene and then I exited slowly. 

The hallway continued down into infinity. The art on the wall was beautiful. It was like a million miles of sound. Even the escalators were moving in the right direction.

The officer crept into his son’s bedroom. The little lad was fast asleep against a pink bed! 
The officer laughed quietly. “That’s my son!” He whispered. “My child will grow to cook souvlaki.”

The officer grew short and angry over the years. He was burning inside. His whole world revolved around emotion. He was like a thunder storm. 

The wind was keeping secrets. 
The harvest could not come soon enough. It was only about half-past noon. That meant ten more hours of rain. 

The farmer sat on his porch. He patiently awaited the drought.
“How do you pickle a tuna?” Asked a young servant.
The farmer thought for a while. He scratched his chin like he was some Greek playwright. Then he stood up, a bucket of corn falling from his asshole.
“The answer to that question goes something like this.”

The farmer proceeded to tell a tale of forgiveness. The epic concluded with a theatrical show of moaning. The detailed description was good. The servant had been answered. 

The farmer was generous with his wisdom. He was something of an absolutist. He was the last of his kind. His father had been there when Hermaphrodite stormed the senate. He was born into a legacy that no child should inherit. 

“Today is the eclipse! The entire world is being affected!” Said the child.
“But you knew that already,” said his mother. “Pull in your line. Let’s go home.”
The young child bowed his head in silent sadness. He reeled in his line. Mother paddled them towards a shipwreck. 

Egypt Studies

 April 5, 2024 

I think I’ll stay in Christchurch a little longer. I told Despina from work that I’m leaving in a month. She mentioned that Dimitri is also leaving at the beginning of May. I realized that I may as well stay longer in that case. One of the main reasons I wanted to leave was because of how much I dislike working with him. I get physically tense and stressed out when he’s around. 

Ideally I could pay off my credit card before I leave. I’ve still got $1900 to go, so it will probably take another couple months. 

Dreams 

    I was with my crush’s dad. I remember that he was being very annoying. We were on his back patio at night. I wanted him to go away. I was only sticking around because I wanted to see his daughter.
The next morning I was still on the patio with a couple other guys. My crush arrived. She asked if anyone wanted to go to her room and learn about Egyptian history with her. I raised my hand. We went into the kitchen.

I told her that I used to have a huge crush on her. I also asked how her life had been lately. She said good. She said she’d started a relationship with a little person. I felt really sad inside. I didn’t show it. I kind of lost interest at that point and wanted to leave. I was really hurt. 

I was at a bar at night. I was the only one there. I had my guitar. I was super drunk. I was being weird and random. I was standing up and looking out the window when I noticed that there were people coming. I panicked and freaked out. I had made a mess all over the floor. I tried cleaning everything up. I was still drunk. It was open-mic night. More musicians were coming in. I was very embarrassed. 

    One of the guys had really nice things to say to me. He told me that I was an amazing guitar player and that he loved my voice. I was a bit surprised by that.

I was watching a movie with a bunch of other people. They were all talking amongst themselves. They were completely ignoring me. They acted like I wasn’t there. They kept speaking over me. 
Someone asked a question to everyone except me. I finally snapped. I asked why she didn’t ask me as well. Everyone thought that was funny and started to laugh.

I was driving with Liam. We came out of a tunnel. There was a beach on our left. I noticed a car was out on the sand. It was flipped upside down. We parked and went to investigate. 

We pulled a woman out of the wreck and made sure she was ok. We called her an ambulance. 

Liam and I were going to jerk off in the same room at the same time. I hung a blanket up between us. Someone came into the room before we finished.

Lee, Lisa and the kids came to visit me. They were annoyed when they arrived. They said I was supposed to call them. That made me annoyed. How was I supposed to know they wanted me to call? We had already made the plans. I had been waiting for them to arrive. Why did I need to call them? 

Follow The Rabbit

 April 2, 2024

Today I worked at the restaurant! It sucked! I just hate it when Dimitri is there. Everything becomes chaotic and frantic. He runs around yelling like a psychopath. 

Every single evening I promise myself that I’ll record my dreams in the morning. I never do. I always wake up thinking ‘well that dream wasn’t very interesting’. And so I don’t bother to record it. I usually start thinking about the dream later in the day. That’s when I begin feeling that there was something interesting. 

Two nights ago I dreamed that I was in a liquor store. I was with a bunch of friends. We were at the cash register. We were about to pay for a whole bunch of beer. I remember looking outside and seeing a beautiful tree. It was the middle of the day in the summer. I was feeling so excited to drink. It was still sunny and early in the day! It was going to be a great time. 

My card wasn’t accepted when I went to pay. I didn’t understand why. My friend tried his card. It didn’t work either. The man behind the counter sort of just shrugged his shoulders. I was disappointed. 
The cashier came out from behind the counter. He noticed a white envelope on the floor as he approached us. He picked it up and looked inside. Apparently it held $10,000. He asked if it belonged to anyone in line. 
Myself and a few others jokingly raised our hands. No one knew who it belonged to.

That dream became more interesting later on.

Yesterday I watched the first 20 minutes of the Matrix. I know that it involves themes I’m interested in. I’ve been meaning to rewatch it because of this.
One of the scenes that struck me was when Trinity said to follow the white rabbit. I thought that it was interesting. I was watching the movie on Easter, which of course is often symbolized by a rabbit.

I didn’t work yesterday. I went for a long walk through the park. I walked alongside the river and came across large steal beams that had been mangled. I assumed they were part of the earthquake wreckage. I read the plaque. They said they were from the World Trade Centre! 

Last evening I went for a walk. Just as I was about to turn into the driveway I noticed something interesting. There was a $100 monopoly bill on the road. It immediately reminded me of my dream. Then I noticed that next to it was a crinkled beer can. It reminded me of the beer from the dream. Then I noticed the license plate on the car next to me. It said QEW416. That really floored me, because the QEW is a major highway in Toronto, and 416 is the area code for the part Toronto I lived in. The last few days have been nothing but planning my next move back to Toronto in around September. 

    I also noticed that it said Orion on the car, which is allegedly an important constellation related to pyramids around the world. I also wrote a lyric a few weeks ago that says 'Orion directs the energy into me.'

Last night I dreamt that I was in the World Trade Centre on 9/11. I was in the lobby. I knew that the first plane was coming. I ran outside and watched it enter the building. I think that many more buildings were bombed. I remember being with Mr. Beast. He was freaking out. 

Today as I was walking to work I came across something interesting. I found a dead rabbit on the sidewalk. It looked very peaceful. It wasn’t at all mangled. It was just laying there. It reminded me of what Trinity said in The Matrix. I was pretty floored. It was the first time I’ve seen a rabbit here in Christchurch.