Hamster Healing

 Mar 24, 2024

I hung out with Mark and Jayne yesterday. I got to their place at 10 am. We took a taxi to Lyttelton to attend the farmers market. It was quite difficult for them because of how slanted the ground was. 

I really love the atmosphere over there. It feels so different than Christchurch! It feels like it has so much more life and personality! 

We walked through the stalls for a little while. They bought a few things. It was the same day as SailGP, which is an international sailing race. It was taking place there in Lyttelton later that day. 

We took a taxi back to their place and then went for lunch. I was with them for six hours. It went by so much faster than a four hour shift at Dimitri’s. 

I’ve been thinking more about how long I want to stay in Christchurch. I was thinking of maybe staying at Vipassana for about a month. I just don’t know what’s happening when mom gets here. I don’t if I’m going with her to Australia. I guess that doesn’t affect Vipassana. If I’m not joining her, then that means I’d leave New Zealand around the end of July. 

Today she asked if I’d help her plan her stay in New Zealand. She wants to do hikes but doesn’t really know how to plan it. I don’t really know either. I can ask Pierre and Douma for advice.

It’s fall here. All the leaves are starting to change colours. It looks really cool.  

        Dreams 

I had a large hamster enclosure. It had been a long time since I’d checked in on him. Most of the bedding was gone and there were somehow many more hamsters. 

    I gave them some water. For some reason I poured directly onto the floor. There was already a lot of water for some reason. The hamsters were basically swimming around with their heads above the water. 

    The rising water allowed two hamsters to escape over their fence. I went to retrieve them. I grabbed the first one and carried him back. I dropped him into his enclosure.

    He completely splattered when he hit the ground. It was like dropping a mashed potato. I tried picking him back up but he disintegrated even more. He was still alive somehow. Eventually he was just a head and a spinal chord. He wriggled away. I felt very guilty. 

    I retrieved the other hamster. He was fine.

    All of the hamsters were now cats.

I was in a circle of people. We were playing a game. I moved next to a girl. I had my arm around her. I removed my hand, fearing it may be inappropriate, but she grabbed my arm and put it back around her. 

A different girl suddenly fell over. She began coughing and vomiting white liquid into the air. I tried to get her water.

I was at work in a city. It was night time. I was closing up the shop. I was talking to a friendly coworker. She told me that she thinks of God to help her get to sleep.
I asked her ‘in what form does she think of God.’ I can’t remember what she said. 

Someone standing by a window was very excited. They were calling for me. I ran over. I looked out the window and saw a couple of small black aliens slowly walk out from behind a wall. 

I was so happy and excited. I fell backwards in slow motion and my eyes went up into my head in ecstasy. 

Endless Anger

 Mar 19, 2024

    The liar was backed into a corner. He squirmed and wailed. I enjoyed seeing his desperate pleas. I had lost compassion. I tried to remind myself of the larger truth that we are all one. “It’s just a game,” I told myself.

    I tried to rise up from the floor. I tried to come to an agreement about my place in the present moment. It’s all that there was. I was tired of the evil. I was tired of the boredom. I was being treated like I was stupid. I didn’t know how to make it stop. I tried to pray for them. I had tried to share my well-spring of love. Nothing seemed to be changing.

    The flame burned all through the house. No one could have seen it coming. They should have known that they would’t survive. They tried to grow their confidence, but they became hopeless. The flames devoured everything. The stairs collapsed. Now they were trapped. The roof began to sink. The walls crumbled. The sky was so far away. The heat was overwhelming. 

    A playful group of dogs buried all evidence of their crimes. They were sick. Something had broken them. Their minds had been torn apart from the time when they were children. The world raped them. They knew nothing about the truth. Their lives seemed destined to go nowhere. They repeated the emptiness of their mother’s and father’s. The world felt grey. 

    It was all a reflection of her mind. The energy that was just beyond reach teased her. She was always told about how to change her situation. She felt tricked. She was back where she’d started. Nothing seemed to make a difference. She resigned to live her life behind closed curtains. She wouldn’t complain any longer. She didn’t expect anything from anyone. She no longer felt disappointment. 

    His head bled with pressure. It was pounding. His family tried to get into his bedroom. He had gone too deep. They couldn’t reach him now. This was for the best. The law of the universe was such. 

    I am feeling so bored with life. Why am I living a boring life. Nothing seems to be happening. Nothing is going on. I’m not going anywhere. I feel useless. I’m not contributing anything to the world. I’m not moving things forwards. I’m not making a bigger difference. I’m just waking up and working and going to sleep. It feels so pointless. 

The Rising Tide

 Mar 17, 2024

I’m at the library next to the cathedral. It’s a very nice library. 

This last week was pretty interesting. I kind of made my mind up about my next steps after New Zealand.

I’m planning on leaving at the same time mom leaves. She’s coming in July for about a month. She leaves at the beginning of August. I’m still not sure if I’m going to Australia with her. I would like to. So I’m not certain where I’ll fly out of. But I’ll leave when she leaves. 

From there I’d like to stay with dad in Argentina. I think 2 weeks would be my maximum. From there I’ll fly to Canada. The room at El Pueblo won’t be available until early October. Will leaves at the beginning of September and then Dad plans on staying there for about a month. 

So I called Mami to ask if I could stay with her for a little while. She was very happy about that idea. So I’m thinking that I might stay with her until Dad leaves El Pueblo. At that point I’ll go into my room. 

I don’t know if I’ll stay in Toronto. I think I would like to be either there or in Montreal for Christmas. I think I want to go back to school. I don’t know where, and I don’t know what I’d take. I guess it wouldn’t be until November 2025. That might be a good thing, because I could potentially save as much money as possible. Being in school and working at the same time could be difficult. 

So I’ve got roughly 5 months left in New Zealand based on this plan. It sounds like a long time but I’m sure it’ll pass quickly, especially considering I’ve already been here for four months. 

I also think the rest of my time in Christchurch will be more interesting based on the second job I’ve started.

I signed up for the support-worker job a few weeks ago. It’s called MyCare. It’s the kind of work that Yoga and Pablo are doing.

Last Wednesday was really interesting. In the morning I had an interview with a 20 year guy with Williamson Syndrome. I talked to him and his mom on Zoom. They both seemed really nice.

The only problem is that the mom was hoping I could drive him around town to cool places and activities. She said that I could perhaps take their car. 

I have my licence but I don’t have any experience driving in New Zealand. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable driving a disabled person in someone else’s car in a country where I don’t really know the rules. I have no experience driving on the left side of the road and with using roundabouts. 

We’ll see if anything comes from that. I’m meant to meet up with them this coming week.

That same day was the first day of the volunteer guitar playing. I went to the care centre with my guitar, not really knowing what to expect. 

There were four people hanging out with me. It was a pretty fun time. I played some covers and some of my own songs. 

One of the guys was also playing songs he liked from his phone while I played along on guitar. It was all very informal and laid back. It felt like hanging out with Cary, so it was nice. 

The same afternoon I applied to work with another family from MyCare. The job was to go out on Saturdays with a blind couple. They needed someone to accompany them and to explain what I was seeing. 

They got back to me right away and we talked on the phone. We arranged to meet up the next day after work. 

So all three of those were on the same day! It was so strange.

So I went to their place and chatted for a while. They were both very friendly. It was such a new experience for me. I wasn’t used to seeing two blind people feeling their way around a room with their hands. 

The job sounded perfect. They were also new to Christchurch. They were hoping to do all the touristy things and they needed someone to join them. I figured that it was perfect. We had a really nice chat and decided to meet up again on Saturday. 

So yesterday was our first outing. It went really well. I met up with them after work. We talked for a long time in their living room. It turns out they’re also into ancient structures and UFO’s, especially the guy. 

Eventually we caught a taxi to Hagley Park. There was an annual Maori festival going on. Some of the coordinators got us a golf cart and helped us around. We got some food from a truck and listened to some music. The event was winding down so we didn’t stay long. 

I was with them for four hours in total, and they pay $30 an hour! So I made $120. They said that normally the days will be 6 hours long. I need to book that day off work so that I can meet up with them in the morning. 

It’s cool that my first time doing this kind of work was on March 16. That’s the four year anniversary of when I went on a date with Miranda and when the lockdowns really began in Toronto. It was probably one of the most pivotal days of my life. 

I’ve started noticing that interesting things often happen on the 16th of every month. I left Melbourne on the 16th. I also moved into my current place on the 16th.

The Baby Raiser

  March 10, 2024

I’ve been feeling like fire lately. I can sense the current in my heart. It is fire of God himself! The flames lap at my chest. He pulls me into to the dark.

The radiation was beginning to hurt our baby. It was just a matter of time before he fucked off and died. I called my wife 

“Baby, it’s me. Listen close to these words.”
“Go ahead, say your piece,” mumbled my beloved. 
“I have two confessions to make. They are miles apart. They are not related.”
“Hurry up!” Moaned the beautiful love of my life. “I have a baby to raise!”
I began my two confessions. It took an hour to get all of the details onto the table. Another fifty minutes were spent begging for forgiveness. I was sure that my wife would leave me. I would be on my own. Back to basics.

“So what do you think?” I whispered into the phone. 
“I think you should come home. Let’s sleep on it. We’ll see how we feel in the morning.”
“Oh, ok” I responded. I was slightly surprised. “Can we fuck?”
“Huh?” She squealed.
“Can we fuck tonight?” 
“I ain’t fucking you with a ten foot pole.”
I decided not to push my luck. Perhaps I could convince her later in the evening. I would pounce on her during dinner and impress her with my strength. It’s worked in the past!

Third Day

  March 7, 2024 

I just finished making all my music related YouTube videos public again. I’m going to do a new music challenge. I gotta post something every 3 days! I’ve been in one of those perfectionist ruts for too long! It’s crazy that I made so many songs in one day. And the early Covid songs were done in a day or two as well. 

I went to the park today to work on a song. I felt like nothing worked. It’ll be ok. 
Work has been better. It’s completely fine when Dimitri isn’t there. I feel like it becomes chaotic and stressful when he arrives. He just makes things more difficult.

I booked yesterday off work. I went to meet more people for the volunteering thing. I’m gonna play guitar there on Wednesdays! And it’s amazing because the open-mic is right down the street. So I’ll perform there after. 

I also got a library card yesterday. Today I took out I, Robot. It’s my first Isaac Asimov book. All the library stuff was free! I couldn’t believe it. 

I was meditating Tuesday evening when I had the idea to do the music challenge. This idea suddenly flashed into my head to post every ‘third day’. Then I heard ‘the first song shall be named Third Day.’ But I was told to record and post it the very next day, which I realized was Wednesday, the third day of the week. 
I filmed the b-roll on the way to the volunteering. I started googling the significance of the third-day in the bible. This is what I found. 

Jesus Christ’s resurrection on the third day fulfills Old Testament predictions (Luke 24:46–47; 1 Corinthians 15:4), establishes him as the reigning King (Romans 1:4; Matthew 28:18), inaugurates the new creation (1 Corinthians 15:20, 23; 2 Corinthians 5:17), justifies the many (Romans 4:25), calls believers to walk in newness of life (Romans 6:4; Colossians 3:1), births a global mission (Matthew 28:19–20; John 20:19–22; Acts 1:8; Romans 1:16–17; Galatians 1:11–12), and supplies hope to all believers of their own resurrection (Romans 8:11; 1 Corinthians 15:43–44, 49; Philippians 3:20–21; Hebrews 9:27–28). It also should stressed to non-believers that they will indeed meet the heavenly Judge face-to-face (Daniel 12:2; Matthew 25:46; John 5:28–29).

I’m just realizing as I’m typing that I slept with a copy of the Bible next to me last night. I needed something to put my phone on. I grabbed a copy of the Bible from a shelf in the house. 
As I’m typing this I also noticed that the headshot JPG I keep on the desktop is IMG_1333. I keep seeing threes!! 

I love it when this stuff happens. 
I felt like recording and posting that video yesterday was a sort of ceremonious thing. 
I just realized that it’s March, the third month of the year!

Something's Shifting

  Mar 4, 2024 

Today be Monday. This morning I read some of the Celestine Prophecy. It’s really cool. I’m almost done. I’m thinking of getting the second one next. 

I had work today. It was alright. I came home and fixed a couple things on ‘Faster Feelings’ and ‘Like A Tree’.  
I was super tired. I felt so lazy. I don’t know why.

Yesterday was fun. I came home and saw my housemates hanging out in the living room. There was a girl with them. Apparently she was the girl who was in my room before me. She’s from Germany. At first I felt really awkward. I just felt a weird vibe, like I was interfering with their get tougher. 

They all headed out soon after to get groceries for a dinner they were making.  I thought about leaving the house. I really didn’t want to be there while everyone was in next room for the rest of the evening. I just felt awkward for some reason. 

I looked online for events in Christchurch. There was literally nothing happening. I figured I’d take my guitar and hang out by the river or something. I was about to leave but then thought I’d wait a bit. I decided to take my passport photo for the application. 

They arrived home right when I finished. I was heading out to leave when Leila said I was welcome to join them. She said they were going to make food and then play monopoly. I said I’d be happy to. I said I was gonna go to the park for a little bit and play some music first.

I was feeling much better. I played music in the park and then got some stuff from the grocery store for the dinner. It’s so strange that I waited a bit before leaving the house. I just had a feeling like I should wait.
It turned out to be really fun night. We just hung out and played Monopoly. I feel much more comfortable here in the house now. I feel much less awkward now. 

The last couple nights have also been really good. Josh hasn’t been making any noise at all. I’m wondering if it’ll last, though. Right now it’s 10:30 pm and I can hear him. I’m hoping he’ll have quieted down by 11:30. 

It really sucks when he’s making noise literally all night long. And I don’t want to have to keep asking him to be quiet. We’ll see what happens. 

On Wednesday I’m going to meet some people about playing the guitar at the care centre. I’m hoping that I can do Wednesdays permanently. The centre is in Addington, which is where one of the open-mics is hosted. It could be perfect because I’d already be over there and I’d already have my guitar with me. Addington is kind of on the other side of town, so I haven’t gone to the open-mic.
There’s only two regular open-mics in Christchurch. That one on Wednesdays and one on Fridays.