June 15, 2024
I’m leaving Christchurch in two weeks today. It’s a bit of a funny feeling. I feel pretty restless.
I’ll be back in Toronto on July 19. I’ll have been away for one year and eight months. I thought it was one year and 6 months.
The part that feels strangest is that this ‘trip’ is coming to and end. This great big experience. It’s been so enough that I almost don’t notice it anymore. It’s just become normal. It feels like it’s been happening for so long.
I’m really excited but also a bit worried. I remember feeling very excited and optimistic about coming to New Zealand. I ended up working most of the time. And a lot of it was work that I didn’t like.
That’s what makes me nervous about going back. I’m worried that I’ll have to move into another room I don’t like. Then I’ll have to find another job I don’t really like.
I love working with Jayne and Mark. It’s the customer service/manual labour stuff that feels a bit soul crushing at times.
I want to live somewhere that I feel comfortable recording music. This house is so tiny. I don’t know when my roommates are sleeping. Sometimes they sleep really early and sometimes they sleep-in really late. I can be pretty loud when I’m recording.
I’m super excited for July. Each week will be somewhere different. One week in Australia, a week in Argentina, four days in Toronto and then Montreal. That will be interesting.
It just feels strange that this chapter is ending. Not enough time has passed for me to see it properly. I’m still in it. I can’t grasp the impact of it just yet. I think the memories are going to be enormous.
It’ll be like when I look back on the Mexican boat trips. They just seem so massive and life changing. This past year and a half might leave a similar impression.
There’s been some really amazing moments. I think I’ve felt some of the highest highs of my life. I remember when I first started solo travelling. It was so intoxicating. Walking around Brisbane with my camera felt so cool. I didn’t know anyone. I’d wanted to do something like that for a while.
There were also some really dark moments. Those are the memories that really seem to come to mind. They’re mostly alcohol related. The fact that I started drinking has given this chapter a certain darkness. It’s added a certain dimension that is interesting. I don’t really regret anything. I guess it just adds a level of intensity to the memories.
The time spent drinking was actually extremely tiny. Probably like 10% of the trip. It’s amazing the amount of dark and messy situations I managed to squeeze into that time.
A lot of it wasn’t even outwardly dark things. It was an inner darkness. Moments of wanting to be dead. Moments of feeling empty and bored.
I never felt like that when I was sober. I sometimes felt bored and unfulfilled, but never hopeless and apathetic.