A Golden Womb

 March 31, 2024

I’ve decided I really want to leave. I’ve had enoughhhhh!!!!
So I’ll do roughly one more month from the time I can afford my plane ticket. That should be either this Thursday or maybe the next one. 

I also decided that I want to go to school. I think it would be a good idea to try and become a teacher. I’ll at least move in that direction. I’m going to try and apply for courses beginning in September. 

I talked to mom recently. I asked if maybe i could stay with her for a month or two and maybe even work there. At first she didn’t seem excited. I think I was wanting her to be really enthusiastic. Like the way Mami was when I asked her if I could stay with her. She said she was worried that I wouldn’t enjoy it up where she is.

My old room at room at El Pueblo will be free around October. At first I thought I could stay with Mom for a couple months, and then with Mami for a couple months. But today mom left a voice message saying that I could even stay at her place while she’s away. She’s doing her trip to New Zealand and Australia during July. So now I’m thinking maybe I could stay with Mami first, and then go up to Chisasibi. 

I think she’s warmed up a bit to the idea. I’m not going to move there. I just wanted somewhere that I could stay and work for a little while.

Today is Easter. I worked at the restaurant. I suddenly realized that everything was a bit synchronistic. I realized that today is Easter Sunday. I hadn’t paid much attention to it being Easter weekend these last few days, even though everyone’s been talking about it. 

Easter Sunday represents the day when Jesus was said to be resurrected. So today represents resurrection. I thought it was interesting that today was also the day I really decided that I’m gong back to school. That’s been the theme these last few days. The beginning of what may be the next chapter in my life. 

It got interesting again when Maria, the bosses daughter, gave everyone some chocolates after work. She gave me a golden chocolate egg. I didn’t think much of it at first. When I got home it occurred to me to research the symbolism of a golden egg. I found this: 
“The term “Hiraṇyagarbha,” translating to “golden womb” or “golden egg,” is rich in symbolic meaning. It signifies rebirth, new life, and the transformative journey of consciousness. Meditating on the golden egg is seen as a practice that encourages inner transformation and spiritual renewal.”
I love it when all of this stuff happens. 

I also noticed something else is changing in myself. I suddenly don’t feel intimidated by ‘intellectuals’ or ‘experts’ or ‘philosophers;. I suddenly feel that I’m equal to them. I think it’s because I’ve been reading this book called The Devil’s Chessboard. It’s so interesting. 
I understand it. I feel like I’m able to retain what I’m learning. I’m able to explain back to myself what I’ve read. I suddenly feel like I’m capable of having my own opinions and values. I don’t feel as threatened. I trust myself.

Hamster Healing

 Mar 24, 2024

I hung out with Mark and Jayne yesterday. I got to their place at 10 am. We took a taxi to Lyttelton to attend the farmers market. It was quite difficult for them because of how slanted the ground was. 

I really love the atmosphere over there. It feels so different than Christchurch! It feels like it has so much more life and personality! 

We walked through the stalls for a little while. They bought a few things. It was the same day as SailGP, which is an international sailing race. It was taking place there in Lyttelton later that day. 

We took a taxi back to their place and then went for lunch. I was with them for six hours. It went by so much faster than a four hour shift at Dimitri’s. 

I’ve been thinking more about how long I want to stay in Christchurch. I was thinking of maybe staying at Vipassana for about a month. I just don’t know what’s happening when mom gets here. I don’t if I’m going with her to Australia. I guess that doesn’t affect Vipassana. If I’m not joining her, then that means I’d leave New Zealand around the end of July. 

Today she asked if I’d help her plan her stay in New Zealand. She wants to do hikes but doesn’t really know how to plan it. I don’t really know either. I can ask Pierre and Douma for advice.

It’s fall here. All the leaves are starting to change colours. It looks really cool.  

        Dreams 

I had a large hamster enclosure. It had been a long time since I’d checked in on him. Most of the bedding was gone and there were somehow many more hamsters. 

    I gave them some water. For some reason I poured directly onto the floor. There was already a lot of water for some reason. The hamsters were basically swimming around with their heads above the water. 

    The rising water allowed two hamsters to escape over their fence. I went to retrieve them. I grabbed the first one and carried him back. I dropped him into his enclosure.

    He completely splattered when he hit the ground. It was like dropping a mashed potato. I tried picking him back up but he disintegrated even more. He was still alive somehow. Eventually he was just a head and a spinal chord. He wriggled away. I felt very guilty. 

    I retrieved the other hamster. He was fine.

    All of the hamsters were now cats.

I was in a circle of people. We were playing a game. I moved next to a girl. I had my arm around her. I removed my hand, fearing it may be inappropriate, but she grabbed my arm and put it back around her. 

A different girl suddenly fell over. She began coughing and vomiting white liquid into the air. I tried to get her water.

I was at work in a city. It was night time. I was closing up the shop. I was talking to a friendly coworker. She told me that she thinks of God to help her get to sleep.
I asked her ‘in what form does she think of God.’ I can’t remember what she said. 

Someone standing by a window was very excited. They were calling for me. I ran over. I looked out the window and saw a couple of small black aliens slowly walk out from behind a wall. 

I was so happy and excited. I fell backwards in slow motion and my eyes went up into my head in ecstasy. 

Endless Anger

 Mar 19, 2024

    The liar was backed into a corner. He squirmed and wailed. I enjoyed seeing his desperate pleas. I had lost compassion. I tried to remind myself of the larger truth that we are all one. “It’s just a game,” I told myself.

    I tried to rise up from the floor. I tried to come to an agreement about my place in the present moment. It’s all that there was. I was tired of the evil. I was tired of the boredom. I was being treated like I was stupid. I didn’t know how to make it stop. I tried to pray for them. I had tried to share my well-spring of love. Nothing seemed to be changing.

    The flame burned all through the house. No one could have seen it coming. They should have known that they would’t survive. They tried to grow their confidence, but they became hopeless. The flames devoured everything. The stairs collapsed. Now they were trapped. The roof began to sink. The walls crumbled. The sky was so far away. The heat was overwhelming. 

    A playful group of dogs buried all evidence of their crimes. They were sick. Something had broken them. Their minds had been torn apart from the time when they were children. The world raped them. They knew nothing about the truth. Their lives seemed destined to go nowhere. They repeated the emptiness of their mother’s and father’s. The world felt grey. 

    It was all a reflection of her mind. The energy that was just beyond reach teased her. She was always told about how to change her situation. She felt tricked. She was back where she’d started. Nothing seemed to make a difference. She resigned to live her life behind closed curtains. She wouldn’t complain any longer. She didn’t expect anything from anyone. She no longer felt disappointment. 

    His head bled with pressure. It was pounding. His family tried to get into his bedroom. He had gone too deep. They couldn’t reach him now. This was for the best. The law of the universe was such. 

    I am feeling so bored with life. Why am I living a boring life. Nothing seems to be happening. Nothing is going on. I’m not going anywhere. I feel useless. I’m not contributing anything to the world. I’m not moving things forwards. I’m not making a bigger difference. I’m just waking up and working and going to sleep. It feels so pointless. 

The Rising Tide

 Mar 17, 2024

I’m at the library next to the cathedral. It’s a very nice library. 

This last week was pretty interesting. I kind of made my mind up about my next steps after New Zealand.

I’m planning on leaving at the same time mom leaves. She’s coming in July for about a month. She leaves at the beginning of August. I’m still not sure if I’m going to Australia with her. I would like to. So I’m not certain where I’ll fly out of. But I’ll leave when she leaves. 

From there I’d like to stay with dad in Argentina. I think 2 weeks would be my maximum. From there I’ll fly to Canada. The room at El Pueblo won’t be available until early October. Will leaves at the beginning of September and then Dad plans on staying there for about a month. 

So I called Mami to ask if I could stay with her for a little while. She was very happy about that idea. So I’m thinking that I might stay with her until Dad leaves El Pueblo. At that point I’ll go into my room. 

I don’t know if I’ll stay in Toronto. I think I would like to be either there or in Montreal for Christmas. I think I want to go back to school. I don’t know where, and I don’t know what I’d take. I guess it wouldn’t be until November 2025. That might be a good thing, because I could potentially save as much money as possible. Being in school and working at the same time could be difficult. 

So I’ve got roughly 5 months left in New Zealand based on this plan. It sounds like a long time but I’m sure it’ll pass quickly, especially considering I’ve already been here for four months. 

I also think the rest of my time in Christchurch will be more interesting based on the second job I’ve started.

I signed up for the support-worker job a few weeks ago. It’s called MyCare. It’s the kind of work that Yoga and Pablo are doing.

Last Wednesday was really interesting. In the morning I had an interview with a 20 year guy with Williamson Syndrome. I talked to him and his mom on Zoom. They both seemed really nice.

The only problem is that the mom was hoping I could drive him around town to cool places and activities. She said that I could perhaps take their car. 

I have my licence but I don’t have any experience driving in New Zealand. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable driving a disabled person in someone else’s car in a country where I don’t really know the rules. I have no experience driving on the left side of the road and with using roundabouts. 

We’ll see if anything comes from that. I’m meant to meet up with them this coming week.

That same day was the first day of the volunteer guitar playing. I went to the care centre with my guitar, not really knowing what to expect. 

There were four people hanging out with me. It was a pretty fun time. I played some covers and some of my own songs. 

One of the guys was also playing songs he liked from his phone while I played along on guitar. It was all very informal and laid back. It felt like hanging out with Cary, so it was nice. 

The same afternoon I applied to work with another family from MyCare. The job was to go out on Saturdays with a blind couple. They needed someone to accompany them and to explain what I was seeing. 

They got back to me right away and we talked on the phone. We arranged to meet up the next day after work. 

So all three of those were on the same day! It was so strange.

So I went to their place and chatted for a while. They were both very friendly. It was such a new experience for me. I wasn’t used to seeing two blind people feeling their way around a room with their hands. 

The job sounded perfect. They were also new to Christchurch. They were hoping to do all the touristy things and they needed someone to join them. I figured that it was perfect. We had a really nice chat and decided to meet up again on Saturday. 

So yesterday was our first outing. It went really well. I met up with them after work. We talked for a long time in their living room. It turns out they’re also into ancient structures and UFO’s, especially the guy. 

Eventually we caught a taxi to Hagley Park. There was an annual Maori festival going on. Some of the coordinators got us a golf cart and helped us around. We got some food from a truck and listened to some music. The event was winding down so we didn’t stay long. 

I was with them for four hours in total, and they pay $30 an hour! So I made $120. They said that normally the days will be 6 hours long. I need to book that day off work so that I can meet up with them in the morning. 

It’s cool that my first time doing this kind of work was on March 16. That’s the four year anniversary of when I went on a date with Miranda and when the lockdowns really began in Toronto. It was probably one of the most pivotal days of my life. 

I’ve started noticing that interesting things often happen on the 16th of every month. I left Melbourne on the 16th. I also moved into my current place on the 16th.