Nov 12, 2023
So much shit has happened. But I’m in a really good place now. I started drinking again last week. I think it was Friday night. I don’t remember when the thought to drink first came. But suddenly it was nearly 9 pm and I really wanted to buy beer before the shop closed.
I was in so much physical distress. I really really really didn’t want to. I walked there and ended up circling the building three times. I would walk up to the front door and then keep walking. I remember doing that in Caloundra as well.
Corey showed up on his bike while I was pacing in the parking lot. I thought that maybe he was going to get beer. I went inside with him.
Corey turned left to get groceries. I turned right towards the BWS. I think it was literally 8:59 pm. The guy was just about to close. He said I could come in if I knew what I wanted.
I walked to the back and grabbed my regular two 6-packs of Goat. They’re the cheapest beer at BWS. It comes to $33, which is still crazy expensive. So I walked home.
I still felt that there was a part of me that would refuse to drink. But of course I got home and grabbed the first beer. I remember that as I was trying to pull the tab on the beer my finger slipped and it pulled my finger nail up. It hurt like hell. I remember thinking that it was like the universe trying one last time to stop me from drinking.
So I drank and got drunk. I had 9 beers. I put the rest in my bag and left the house. I wanted to go to the bar before they closed at 1 am. That’s always how it is for me. I get drunk at home and then suddenly wanna talk to strangers at a bar.
I called Myriam on the walk there. It was actually a really nice chat. She said that she broke up with Ryan and moved back to the east coast. She sounded really good. It was really cool hearing her be so positive. She has a job that she really enjoys as well. I remember her being really upbeat and positive the first year and a half-ish that I knew her. Then work started to suck for her.
I arrived to the bar and told Myriam that I had to hang-up for a bit. I told her I’d call back in a minute. She said that was ok, because she had to use the washroom anyways. That was the first asshole thing I did that night.
I ended up talking to people at the bar and never called her back. I got a beer and these two girls started talking to me. They seemed really interested for some reason. It was basically what I always want to happen when I go to a bar, drunk. One of the girls was pretty cute, I remember. Her friend was the one who was talking to me a lot. She said that her friend, the cute one, liked me.
The bar closed and I started walking with them and two of their friends. The two friends went through the construction fence for a house being built. I sorta remember a big bang or something falling over. We just left them and walked in a different direction. I think we were planning to go back to their place. I think I thought I was gonna have a threesome or something. They said they wanted to get more beer. I had three in my bag so I gave two to them and had one for myself. I remember a lot of touching. I remember the cute girl and I flirtingly putting our arms around each others’ waist at one point. We walked for a while. It was all going great. I felt so popular.
At some point we came across a house playing loud music. There was a tall wooden fence. We could clearly hear people having a small party on the other side. The two girls thought they should try and invite themselves in. So they just knocked on the fence door and some tall guy answered. I can’t remember what the girls said, but suddenly we were inside. I remember the guy seemed very friendly. He looked like Clark Kent in my memory.
There was a DJ in their garage. It was like a mini club. It was actually a very fun vibe. The people were really cool there. It wasn’t like a jock-party at all. It reminded me more of the people who I spent the summer with after grade 12. We danced around for a while. Both the girls who I’d walked with made-out with me. I was sorta expecting it would happen with the one who was chatting a lot, but I was pleasantly surprised by the cuter one. I remember her calling me over and asking if we could make out. It was pretty quick but I was happy. It’s those moments why I get drunk. It’s because 1 in 300 times of being drunk, I’ll actually have things happen that I fantasize about. The other 299 times I’m just chasing those moments.
At some point another other girl who was dancing also started making out with me. I was really not into it, unfortunately, especially when she kinda stuck next to me and wouldn’t really leave me a lone after that. So I left the garage. I didn’t know how else to get away from her. I went over to this camp fire and hung out with the people there. I had this really cool conversation with this guy about stand-up comedy and comedians. That’s one of my interests that I’ve only known myself to be really into. He talked about how he’s tried stand-up himself.
At some point I got restless. I don’t remember what I wanted. I probably wanted to find the first two girls and get more drinks. I was probably hoping the three of us would leave. I think at this point it got sad. I remember going into the house at one point and seeing the two girls talking to two guys who looked much cooler and taller than me. I remember suddenly feeling completely invisible to them. I think I went over and tried to lean against the wall. I tried to be a part of their conversation. I remember being completely ignored. At that point something in me completely switched. It’s happened a few times when I’ve been drinking. This feeling of just complete rejection and feeling so worthless, but also angry.
The other girl who wasn’t leaving my side came in the room and I remember sorta trying to ignore her. In that moment I realized how ironic it was that I was doing to her exactly what the other two girls were doing to me.
I remember asking someone if there was more to drink. There was an open wine bottle. The guy from the fire said to just go for it if I wanted. All of a sudden the girl who I was ignoring said she was leaving with her friends and asked if I wanted to come with them. She kept telling me to come and that the Uber had arrived. I didn’t really want to but I think I figured that maybe I’d find more to drink. I also liked the idea of leaving the first two girls, as opposed to them leaving me. So I joined her and her friends.
I found out in the car that they were from New Zealand. They said that Wellington is really great. I really wasn’t attracted to the girl, and I just didn’t feel any sort of spark. It just felt like she was too into me. It was too much.
We finally got to her place, which was almost in the CBD. We went upstairs and she poured me a drink. I felt basically sober. I’d had 11 beers, 9 of which I’d had way back at the house. It was like 3 am now.
One thing led to another and we ended up in bed. Once I’d had that drink and the lights were out it was a little easier to sorta get into it. I might’ve just pretended she was someone else. It sounds so cruel but at the same time I still felt like I wanted her to have fun and so I still tried. We had sex for a bit but eventually I just got too tired and so we went to sleep.
I had one of those weird drunken sleep walking things. I woke up on her floor with a blanket around me. I woke up from one of ‘those’ dreams. They’re beyond words, but I’ve had them occasionally since I was very young. I found that I have them much more frequently when I get drunk and go to sleep in a new place, or when I get drunk and sleep-walk somewhere random, then come-to in a state of confusion as to where I am. Those dreams and feelings and very foggy visuals are maybe my biggest question for the universe. I can just get a nano-second of the feeling when I try to remember them. The visuals are often of something so large and powerful. Something very dark and evil. Some sorta machine. Long circular, metal hallways that are like big bleak tubes. Something that represents the absolute end of the line. I don’t even know what that means, but it just has that quality.
Anyways, once I remembered where I was, I immediately wanted to leave. The sun was just coming up. It was like 5:30 am or something. I ordered an uber and kissed her goodbye and said I had to go to work. I didn’t even realize until later that I’d been sleeping on the floor. It didn’t even occur to me to put the blanket back on the bed. I don’t know where I found it because she still had one with her.
I let myself out of the apartment. There was a fence door that I couldn’t figure out how to open. I just climbed over it. I took the uber home and went to sleep. I sorta felt evil for leaving like that, especially since we never exchanged any contact details. I just randomly showed up at the party of strangers, so it’s not like she could ask anyone who I was. I didn’t really feel that bad, though, because I sorta felt like I had been taken there a little reluctantly.
It would have been different if it was a girl that I tried to go home with. I think I would have felt really bad in that case. But I just sorta felt pulled there. I never knew how to say no to any of it. I didn’t really wanna go back with them, and I didn’t want to get physical with her, but I just felt rude or awkward saying no. It’s not like she was pushy or anything. She was actually very nice and friendly. I just didn’t feel anything for her. I wouldn't have gotten in the car if I'd known we were going straight to her house. I thought I was joining her and her friends for more drinking.
So anyways, that was the first night of the relapse. I drank for the next three nights I think. There were some more crazy moments. I think it was the next night that I went all the way to the Thornbury Local, which is two train stops from my house. It was the only place open. I talked to Brian a long the way. That was actually a really nice phone call. He was still in Europe.
I got to the bar and ordered a beer. I met a guy at the back and we talked about travelling. I can’t remember what country he was telling me about. Two other guys sat down. It got to skateboarding. One of the guys turned out to be a pretty big skate filmer. He’d worked with a lot of skateboarders. I told him he looked like Andrew Reynolds. The bar closed and so I tagged along with them because they, like myself, were very keen to find more beers. I also really liked them, and one of the guys was really funny. They ordered an Uber and we all got in.
The next place was open for like another hour or so. At some point I started talking to the skate filmer about pyramids and energy and all that. He was way into all of it. He sounded like Corey the way he talked. The other two guys seemed a little puzzled. I started doing my annoying thing of trying to drunkenly explain the universe and nature of consciousness. I think I may have excised some restraint, though. The Andrew Reynolds guy disappeared.
Us other three went inside. I was talking to one of them about the new Beatles song. He was pretty into the whole thing. That was cool, although the other guy was like the opposite. He started on some random rant about how the Beatles represented some corporate machine thing. That was fine, though.
So that bar closed and we went looking for more alcohol. I think we were heading to one of their places. At some point we passed by a building with loud music. I was the one who said we should go inside. It was a party. I don’t what country, but maybe somewhere like Greece. There was very loud music, everyone was dancing and singing, and they were serving beer. So we stayed. I danced my ass off. I must’ve looked like a complete prick, but I guess they accepted me. It was really fun for a while. It was like a family thing. There were people my age and much older. They were even dancing with me.
At one point I made eye contact with a big guy my age who was sitting with his girl friend. He stood up so fast and he had this look of wanting to beat the shit out of me. That moment scared the hell out of me. I grabbed one of my friends and asked if we could go outside for a second. I told him about it, and he said it was probably fine, and that he’d have my back if anything happened. So we went back in.
I just couldn’t get back into it from that point. I tried. A switch in my brain had flipped. I was starting to feel all the beating I’d given my body. It was like 5 am.
One of my friends saw me sitting there. I remember him laughing at first when he saw me. Then he saw that I was sorta in a bad place. I was just frowning and completely stoic I guess. Like dead serious. He took me to the door. I said I should probably leave. I think I knew I’d left my jacket but I just left anyways.
The sun had already started rising. I walked a long fucking way. The memory of that is like a dream. I just remember bits and pieces. I just can’t believe that. I walked to McDonald's and got something to eat. Then I went home and fell asleep.
It was seriously long walk. I think the mental hatred towards myself was at an unbearable level. But of course I could barely remember it the next day, and so the drinking continued.
I called in sick to work. John called me at one point and kinda saved me from doing something really stupid.
I was sitting on the couch out front. It was one of the lowest moments I’ve felt. I had just texted him saying I couldn’t go to work because I was an alcoholic and that I was going to text my family asking if I could fly back to Canada. In that moment I was ready to text mom and ask if I could live with her for a while. I was probably a few minutes away from texting her and dad some crazy text saying I wanted to go to Canada.
John ended up calling me, and he really got my head straight. I kinda woke up. I told him I’d sober up and come to work the next day. I hung up and felt very relieved. Then Corey came out and asked if I wanted to share a joint. I said yes.
The mix of beer and weed really messed me up and I was acting like a complete fool out there with Corey. I was just playing the guitar really obnoxiously and trying to teach him how to play. I texted John saying I wasn’t coming in to work.
The next morning I woke up and drank a beer. Then I went to the grocery store and tried to buy a twelve back that was only $15. I’d never gone to that store. The guy behind the counter said he couldn’t sell it to me, because he can’t accept foreign drivers licenses. I know that wasn't not true, because that’s what I’ve always used in Australia. I don’t know if he didn’t know that, or if I just looked like complete shit and he didn’t feel comfortable selling it to me. Maybe a bit of both.
I’m grateful he didn’t sell it to me. I went home and took a shower. I went to AA that night. I felt like complete garbage that day. That was last Wednesday. I haven’t drank anything since then. Today is Sunday, so its been four days without drinking.The last four days have been really great. Life usually is when I’m sober. I’ll write about that another time, though.