Losing Her Mind

 Oct 24, 2023

I’m at the house in Preston. Everything went crazy. I’m going to go stay in a hostel on Friday. I’ll stay there for the rest of my time in Melbourne. Carly lost her mind. 

I started it, though. Well, sorta. A few nights ago she left the back door open for the cat. Then she fell asleep and forgot to close it.

    I had fallen asleep at 9:30, and so the door was open until 5 am. I woke up to the sound of her slamming it shut as hard as she could. 

    Then she went into the kitchen and tried to make as much noise as she could by dragging the chairs around on floor. I figured she was angry at everyone in the house for not having closed the door for her. 

So the next day I went to work. All day at work I was so angry, but I was really trying to sorta centre myself and not let myself get angry. I didn’t want to go home because I had no idea what she’d be like. I walked into the kitchen and she was talking to Cory all normally and smiling.

That afternoon I got high. Then I bought a bunch of beer. I got drunk and then walked to the bar. I was there pretty late. I don’t remember much, I was pretty drunk.

    I arrived home as she was coming out of the bathroom. My memory is super foggy. I remember we hugged. Then I told her about how I can’t stop drinking and that I’ve been going to AA. 

    Then we went to the back patio. Somehow we got onto the topic of the back door. I think I brought it up, but I’m not certain. I have no memory. 

    I remember her saying that she doesn't understand how people can leave the door wide open. I told her she’s assuming everyone knew that the door was open. My memory is foggy, but the next thing I remember is that she’s screaming at the top of her lungs like a lunatic and running back inside.

    I texted her a few minutes after that. I basically said sorry for bringing it up, and that I was pretty drunk and high. 

    I definitely regret bringing up the subject. I don’t know why I did. I would never have done that sober. I kinda wish I hadn’t sent that text, though.

    There’s been so many times where she’s said the stupidest things. She'll accuse people of intentionally doing evil things, as if everyone is just an asshole.  

    I've always either said nothing, or found a way to be somewhat diplomatic. It’s another example of alcohol leading me towards something I'd never do sober.

The days since have been horrible. It’s like she’s had a permanent tantrum, but it’s weirder than that. It’s like a psychotic-break. Like when you see people screaming to themselves in the street. 

    She goes to the back door and opens it. Then she slams it shut over and over again, making as much noise as possible.

    She acts like a complete bully in the house's group chat. She's perfectly comfortable calling people stupid. But if someone sends criticism her way, she completely loses her mind. It doesn’t make any sense.

It went too far for me when she stomped over to the back door, opened it, and began to scream ‘WHAT THE FUCK’ over and over, as loud as she could. It was horrific. 

    I heard Corey leave the house soon afterwards. I did the same. 

    I just wandered around all day. I went to McDonald’s for lunch. I went and saw a movie in the evening. I started checking out hostel options. 

So my plan Is to leave here on Friday. It’s Tuesday evening now. 

A Liar's Post

 October 23, 2023

The placebo doctor bit into his thumb. He let loose his lies. They erupted up from the depths of his psyche.

 

The serpent girl was strapped to the table. She was overcome with horrible emotions. The darkness took hold of her. She lost her mind.

The soldiers fighting through the plains of battle felt a shift. They glanced at one another. Then they sought their captain.
“Where’s Captain?” Cried an ol’ boy. 
“He’s in the trees,” said his buddy, as he pointed towards the old Russian forest.

The men sauntered into the darkness. The air became cold.
“How about a fire?” Suggested the doctor’s son.
“We don’t have time,” growled the butcher. “Keep yo’ lips sealed. Unless you wanna be seal meat.”
“Eh?” Said the butcher’s son. He felt out of the loop.

The soldiers emerged into a clearing. The sun was setting. The bloody sky was a real thing of beauty. The men found themselves frozen in awe. They thanked their lord for his generosity.

The men eventually came across a beaver. The mammal was chewing at an old tree. One of the soldiers crept up close and took a photograph. He then removed his notebook and pen and sketched a wonderful impressionist portrait of the critter. 

“What a wonderful illustration!” Said the doctor’s son.
“Thank you,” grunted the portraitist. “I studied in France before the war. I had to work part time as a chef. My family was poor and could not afford to put me through school. I worked nights. I prepared the ingredients. The fancy chefs came in the morning and baked my preparations. They served them for all of France! I take great pride in that. I placed health in the belly of that most beautiful bosom of Europe!”

“What’s that noise?” Whispered the butcher.
The soldiers became still. They cupped their ears. 
The faint sound of a whimpering man could be heard. The soldiers looked up into the branches. 

“Is that Captain Blonchides?” Whispered one the soldiers.
“Captain!” Shouted the butcher. “Um- it’s your men! Your soldier boys from England!”

The captain paused his bout of misery. He peered down. “You’re just in time, boys! Come up and join me! We’ll enjoy the winter solstice from amongst these branches!” 

“What about this beaver?” Asked the Doctor’s son. “Won’t be bring us crashing down?” 
“That’s neither here nor their,” said the Captain reassuringly. “Come and join me. We’ll sing of war and victory!”

The men struggled to ascend the thick tree trunk. 

Working In The City

Oct 18, 2023

I had a super long shift today. I got up at 6. I had oatmeal and coffee. I had to be at work in the city by 8. I left the house at 7.

    I love the public transport here in Melbourne. I’m really sad to be leaving it, and honestly a bit scared. 

We were packing up an office all day. Trent was running it. 

    The whole day already seems like a blur. We finished at 6:15. 

    I went and got McDonald’s. I was going to go straight to AA, but then Curtis said he wasn’t going and so I didn’t either. 

    Pablo called me on the way home. We talked about his new baby and about how busy he is. He sounded pretty overwhelmed. 

I did some groceries and then got home. I made my sandwich for work tomorrow. 

Now I’m about to go to sleep because I’m exhausted. 

BYYEEYEE!!!!

Cutting Thy Grass

 Oct 17, 2023

    I woke up at 6 for work today. I made oatmeal and coffee and watched a Bobby Lee and Theo Von video for an hour. Then I walked to work. It’s about a fifteen minute walk if I’m walking sorta slow. 

    I work with Corey, who’s one of my roommates. He’s the one who got me the job. He bikes to work so he got there first. The first house we went to was super over grown. It took about three hours to do. They’re not normally that bad. 

    We did a few more houses after that. We did four in total. We got off work at 2:15.

    I got home and took a shower. Then I did my laundry. I’ve still gotta bring in the clothes that are drying. 

    I sent an email to the bank in New Zealand. I’m trying to get it opened before I arrive. It’ll just make things easier. I think I need a bank account before I can get my tax number.

    I also applied to three employment agencies. They all sounded sorta similar to Zoogle, which is the one I'm with in Melbourne. 

    Today is also day three of not drinking anything. It feels really good being sober. I still feel horrified when I think of some of the cringey things I’ve done lately while drunk. I’m going to an AA meeting tomorrow night. 

    I went to the grocery store and got some stuff. I came home and made popcorn and then made my sandwiches for tomorrow. 
That’s about it!!!!!! 

    The water tasted better once he’d bent over and smelled it. He needs to know its source. He had a feeling it was originating from China. It was a miracle. It had somehow flowed it’s way through the earth. What a fucking terrific story this will be for those little fuckers. 

They Love Me

 Oct 16, 2023

Today I worked at Pica. My shift started at 11 am. It took about an hour to get there. It’s in the Port Lands sorta area of Melbourne, just south of the CBD. 

    I really prefer work where I don’t have to get up early. Tomorrow the Jim’s Mowing shift starts at 7:30 so I’ll be up at 6 so that I can have breakfast and coffee. 

    The guys I was working with today were really nice. The boss guy is really upset that I’m leaving in a month. They keep talking about how I should stay and work for them. I don't they understand that I can’t stay, even if I wanted to. I have to leave. But it’s definitely flattering. 

    It makes me think that I’d like to do similar work in New Zealand. I really wanna work where I’m around girls my age. You don’t really get that with the labour jobs. It’s always guys.

 

    Today is my second day of not drinking. It’s funny because today I could have gotten wasted for free if I’d wanted to. We were basically just moving cases of beer around. A lot of it was being thrown out because it was recently expired. One of the guys I was working with must’ve had like 8 beers while we were working. He just kept cracking them open. He was even taking beers that weren’t expired. The boss guy didn’t seem to mind. 

    They took me out to lunch and bought me a panini. I thought that was really nice. The boss guy sorta reminded me of David Brown from the Fox. Like David mixed with Jayme from next door in Toronto. 

    I feel like as I travel I meet different versions of the same people. Like similar people in different bodies. 

The Strong Kid

Oct 15, 2023

It’s Sunday night. I’m sitting on the edge of my bed in Melbourne. I’m working tomorrow at PICA. It’s my second time working with them. It’s probably good experience.

 

    I’ve been drinking so much lately. Almost everyday. So many cringy memories. Some fun moments, but most of it is just cringe. 

    I always seem to ramble about cringy things. Like trying to explain to everyone what the meaning of everything is. I become so cocky. I just feel like I have all the answers or something. 

    Maybe that’s not true actually. There’s moments that are fun for sure, but the whole thing is just insane. I’m completely destroying myself and my life. Everything that I care about quickly falls away. I just become perpetually hung over and tired and buzzed.

    I really can’t believe I was sober for nearly 3 years. That feels like this amazing time that somehow got away from me. 

    I have some sort of gut feeling of the little things I’m supposed to do. The daily routines that are good. I used to run every morning. I used to write something and post it everyday. I don’t know if that stuff made me happier, but it did feel somehow right and like it was good for me in some larger way that I could just sense. 

    I’m gonna try and commit to writing everyday again. I want to post things again but I feel scared. I guess because it’s been so long. 

    Today, though, is day 1 of being sober from alcohol and weed. 

    The tiny house was just sitting there. So many kids threw rocks at the windows. Nobody respected the old thing. 

    The strongest of the kids was always getting laid. 

Oct 1, 2023