Dust Day

 Oct 31, 2023

    I woke up at 5 am today. I jumped out of bed. It was pretty easy. I made oatmeal and coffee.

    I worked with G-Squared today. The first part of the shift was really shitty. We were shovelling dust, dirt, and mud. At one point we were shovelling piles of dust in a warehouse. We had to wear masks. It was hard to breathe and it was getting in our eyes. That really sucked, and it felt dangerous. 

    We worked for 7 hours. I caught the train home. I took a shower a little earlier. I also was accepted for the 3-day work period at the Vipassana retreat in NZ. So I’ll be there for about 2 weeks. 

    The love of my life came in through the window. It was zapped an old woman. She couldn’t stand it. She hated the feeling of true love. It felt wrong. She tried to close her eyes and deny it. She couldn’t do it. 

    The power was too strong for her. Eventually she left her body and floated up through the roof. She went up into the sky. She was aware of the houses below her. The city was becoming smaller and smaller. It started to look so cute, she thought.

The Shite Hostel

Oct 30, 2023

I’m still at the house in Preston! I’m also still sober! 

So I booked like two and a half weeks at the hostel downtown. It was a bit of a nightmare. My move in date was for last Friday. I was gonna head there after Jim’s Mowing. 

I got home and started packing. I also had to do laundry and chores. It was taking a while. I realized I wouldn’t be done in time.

     I decided to just take my suitcase and guitar and leave them at the hostel, then come back home and finish the rest of the stuff. I figure I’d move in the next day. 

I was so close to drinking that day. It was when Corey asked if I wanted to split a joint. I said no thanks. 

    Then I thought that if I was drunk, I’d definitely like to smoke weed. I started wondering if I should drink. I thought to myself that it would be the final time we would hang out at the front, drinking and smoking. 

    I literally got my bag and ID and left the house. I really didn’t want to drink, but I also did. I went for a walk first. Eventually I decided not to drink. I went back home and kept packing. I was so close.

So I took my suitcase and guitar to the hostel downtown. Then I came back home. 

    The next day I worked at Handlebars. After my shift I went to the hostel. I intended to stay the night. 

    I knew I still had to go back to the house in the morning. I still needed to sell the amps. Thank god for that. Thank god I didn’t text Carly to tell her that I'd moved out. I got into hostel bunk bed and immediately wished I was back home. 

    The guy below me had his light on for a while. I finally fell asleep. Then one of the guys opened the door and slammed it shut. I woke up. 

    Then the guy below me started to snore. I couldn’t believe it. I lay there for about ten minutes. Then I decided to go home. I got up and ordered an Uber. 

The next day I decided to just stay at the house. I figured that I would cancel my stay at the hostel and see if I could get a refund. 

    So on Sunday I went downtown. I had another shift at Handlebars. On the way there I stopped at the hostel. 

    I told the girl at reception that I wanted to check out the next day. Amazingly she said that I’d get the money back for the days I was cancelling. I couldn’t believe it. I was so grateful. 

    She said checkout was before 10 am the next day. I knew that would be tricky, because I had to be at work at 7:15 am the next day.

    I took my suitcase with me to the bar shift. I figured that I’d grab my guitar the next morning when I checked out. 

    I went to handlebars with my suitcase and had a good shift. I took an Uber home, because I wanted to get straight to bed. I had to be up pretty early. 

I woke up at 5:30 am. Then I lay in bed for like 15 minutes. That fucked everything up. I was gonna get straight out of bed, take an Uber to the hostel, check out with my guitar, and then take the train to work. 

    I got to the hostel and checked out, but I ended up missing the train. I had to take another Uber. In less than 12 hours I’d spent about $150 dollars on Ubers. I was so angry. Probably the angriest I’d been in a while. 

    I felt so stupid for sleeping in. And I felt so frustrated because I felt like this whole mess could be traced back to my drinking and starting this whole mess with Carly, which led to her losing her mind, which led to me booking the room in the hostel. 

So I’m back home now. No more fucking Ubers. And I’m getting up when my alarm goes off from now on! No lying in bed and just hanging out!

I’m going to an AA meeting soon. I’m also working again tomorrow. 

Gotta Get Away!

Oct 26, 2023

Today is Thursday. It's the fourth day of being sober! No weed, alcohol, or vaping. I did Jim’s Mowing with Corey today. I got up at 6 and made some breakfast and coffee. It started raining for a bit so everyone in the work chat waited until it stopped. Then we all met up. 

Corey and I worked for about 7 hours. At the last house we met an 80 year old man. He was really nice. He made us coffee and gave us some fruit cake. We put down mulch and pulled some weeds. I realized I’d forgotten my rain jacket at his house after we’d already left. 

        Corey’s a really nice guy. It’s really easy to be around him and to laugh. 

I put my ear to the front door when I got home. I thought I could hear Carly talking to someone. I didn’t wanna go inside. I decided to go see a move at the Thornbury Picture House. It’s a little indie-cinema that kinda reminds me of the fox, except the popcorn is nowhere near as good. 

I had about 2 hours until the movie started. I bought my ticket ahead of time. I got a burger and fries and ate in the park. A couple of dogs came over and checked out my food. Then I went for a walk. I got back to the theatre at 5:15. The movie was called ‘Babylon’. It was made in 1980. It was really good. I enjoyed it a lot. 

After that I walked home. My phone had died and so I couldn’t listen to anything on the way back. That turned out to be really nice. I basically just sang to myself the whole way home. It was about a 25 minute walk.

Once I was back I began packing my suitcase. I’m leaving here tomorrow. I don’t know if I need to bring my two tiny amps. I love those things but I never use them anymore. I thought about just keeping one, but there’s really no point. I got them for busking. They were cool for what I was trying, but they weren’t really loud enough. I do love them. They’re so cool. The problem is that now I have these giant work boots that I need to hold onto.

        I also have the Yamaha keyboard. That thing is really cool. I guess I’ll take the two amps and the bass guitar to the pawn shop tomorrow and see what I can get. 

I’m working with Corey again tomorrow. I’m gonna come home after work and do a couple of my chores and then leave. I’m so fuckin excited to get out of here. Well, it’s just Carly. I’m excited to not be involved with her anymore. I really like Daniel and Corey. I told them that we should go for food downtown. They both like that idea. Corey said we should go to Chinatown. That’ll be really fun.

Losing Her Mind

 Oct 24, 2023

I’m at the house in Preston. Everything went crazy. I’m going to go stay in a hostel on Friday. I’ll stay there for the rest of my time in Melbourne. Carly lost her mind. 

I started it, though. Well, sorta. A few nights ago she left the back door open for the cat. Then she fell asleep and forgot to close it.

    I had fallen asleep at 9:30, and so the door was open until 5 am. I woke up to the sound of her slamming it shut as hard as she could. 

    Then she went into the kitchen and tried to make as much noise as she could by dragging the chairs around on floor. I figured she was angry at everyone in the house for not having closed the door for her. 

So the next day I went to work. All day at work I was so angry, but I was really trying to sorta centre myself and not let myself get angry. I didn’t want to go home because I had no idea what she’d be like. I walked into the kitchen and she was talking to Cory all normally and smiling.

That afternoon I got high. Then I bought a bunch of beer. I got drunk and then walked to the bar. I was there pretty late. I don’t remember much, I was pretty drunk.

    I arrived home as she was coming out of the bathroom. My memory is super foggy. I remember we hugged. Then I told her about how I can’t stop drinking and that I’ve been going to AA. 

    Then we went to the back patio. Somehow we got onto the topic of the back door. I think I brought it up, but I’m not certain. I have no memory. 

    I remember her saying that she doesn't understand how people can leave the door wide open. I told her she’s assuming everyone knew that the door was open. My memory is foggy, but the next thing I remember is that she’s screaming at the top of her lungs like a lunatic and running back inside.

    I texted her a few minutes after that. I basically said sorry for bringing it up, and that I was pretty drunk and high. 

    I definitely regret bringing up the subject. I don’t know why I did. I would never have done that sober. I kinda wish I hadn’t sent that text, though.

    There’s been so many times where she’s said the stupidest things. She'll accuse people of intentionally doing evil things, as if everyone is just an asshole.  

    I've always either said nothing, or found a way to be somewhat diplomatic. It’s another example of alcohol leading me towards something I'd never do sober.

The days since have been horrible. It’s like she’s had a permanent tantrum, but it’s weirder than that. It’s like a psychotic-break. Like when you see people screaming to themselves in the street. 

    She goes to the back door and opens it. Then she slams it shut over and over again, making as much noise as possible.

    She acts like a complete bully in the house's group chat. She's perfectly comfortable calling people stupid. But if someone sends criticism her way, she completely loses her mind. It doesn’t make any sense.

It went too far for me when she stomped over to the back door, opened it, and began to scream ‘WHAT THE FUCK’ over and over, as loud as she could. It was horrific. 

    I heard Corey leave the house soon afterwards. I did the same. 

    I just wandered around all day. I went to McDonald’s for lunch. I went and saw a movie in the evening. I started checking out hostel options. 

So my plan Is to leave here on Friday. It’s Tuesday evening now.