Ain't There More?

 April 10, 2023

    Life in one year. If I could do anything. 

    I would be performing music at shows. Not as on open-mic, but actually my own shows. I would be making music in a studio under some sort of contract. I’d be meeting and collaborating with really cool and creative people. I would feel free. Fulfilled. Excited. Grateful. I’d feel like I have a purpose and was making a contribution. 

    I would be doing something with my writing. I don’t really know what. I think a blog. That’s when it’s the funnest for me. 

    Basically I want to be doing what I’ve already been doing for years, but I just want to feel like people are interested and following along. 

    I think I’d like to continue the YouTube/travel/vlog type of videos. Also making my own music videos of course. 

    I’d like to be travelling the world, not having to worry about money. 

    I almost feel slightly weird writing these things, because at the end of the day what I really want is to feel fulfilled. And I don’t really know if I actually know what a fulfilled life will look like. I have ideas of what needs to happen for me to feel like I’m going somewhere. But I could end up being wrong. I think my biggest dream for life in a year would be to feel fulfilled. In terms of like a career. In general I feel fine. Like I’m a happy person. I’m just talking about what I’m doing with my life. The direction it’s going. How I’m spending my days. 

In Love

 April 6, 2023

    It’s all happening like a million miles an hour. Inside the vacuum there are layers of silt. You can often tear these apart and build great big beautiful girls. Good lord. It really is good for your soul.

    Have you ever seen the way the sky turns inside out? It’s a slow process. It happens one second at time. Don’t let it make you md. Just remember to breathe. Deep deep breaths. That’s all we can do these days. Something big is taking place, and all you need to do is let it happen naturally. 

    Ian is the coolest bricklayer. He was actually Brin without any dignity. God, am I in love again?

    There’s a cute girl over there and we looked at each other a couple times and now I’m completely in love. I’m losing my mind like some sorta freak. I don’t even care. But I do? I wanna cuddle.

    I should do stuff every day. I love it. Well that’s not always true. I feel high when I do it, when I’ve completed it. But sometimes it hurts when no one cares- AW SHUT UP!!!!!!!

    YOU'RE HERE ON EARTH AT THE COOLEST TIME!
You can be a part of it if you want. You just got be consistent! Are you consistently shit? Yay or nay? Be honest. 

Leaving Caloundra

 Apr 3, 2023

    I’m at the Brisbane Airport. My flight leaves in 3 and a half hours. I feel sorta stressed and hungry. I have a bit of a headache. 

    There’s so much potential. Everywhere. And yet I feel completely confused. I don’t know what direction to take. I’ll pick a path. I’ll walk down it for a little while. Then all the excitement and joy will fade. Then I do the next thing. I guess that’s fine. I just wish I could figure out how to make that sorta life work. This is the same kinda stuff I was talking about in the past.

    
I’m really happy to be leaving Caloundra. It felt weird living with Pablo and Yoga. Even today was weird. I woke up and Yoga was in the kitchen. I was on the patio. I was making weird noises, trying to get her attention. She completely ignored me. It was weird, like she was trying super hard to ignore me. I went for a run and came back. I walked in and she wouldn’t look at me. I said hi and asked how she was, and she was like ‘good’. I figured I must’ve made another mistake somehow. The weirdest part was this. I grabbed my clean laundry from outside and headed back to my room. On the way I passed the driveway and saw that she was in the car pulling out of the driveway! She knew I was leaving and she didn’t seem to care at all! She hadn’t said bye or anything! She was just gonna leave without saying anything. 

    So I waved and said bye. She was like ‘oh yah bye. I’ll be back later, I might see you’. I thought that was so weird. 

    Pablo was way different. He gave me like three hugs. He told me he loved me, he kept wishing me good luck and all that. He even gave me $50!

    So yah I left at around noon. I didn’t get a proper good-bye with Yoga. It just feels so petty. Maybe she’s going through something really hard. I don’t know. I’m sure I did something. That’s how it’s been. I found out through my mom that they were complaining about certain things I was doing. But they wouldn’t tell me. They’d just keep their mouths shut and then act weird around me. I’m just so happy to be getting out of that house. Weird things like that were just constantly happening. It was fucking with my head. 

    I was gonna leave early and take the train to Brisbane. Pablo told me about a shuttle service that would take me from Caloundra to the airport. I figured I’d do that. So I took my time getting ready. When it was time to leave I went to book my seat. I found out that it’s the kinda thing you’re supposed to book ahead of time, like a couple days. So I figured I’d take an uber to the train station. But that’s when I found out my credit card was fucked. I can’t make online payments with it. Every time I try it wants to send a verification code to my old cell-phone number. I’ve gone into the TD website and changed the phone number for verification codes. But it didn’t do shit. Every website, including the Government of Canada, keeps sending it to my old phone. It’s fucking stupid. It really is. There’s certain things about this society that are absolute pathetic. These organizations seem to get dumber and more sluggish the bigger they get. 
It’s also my fault. I knew that I should’ve called TD. I tried a couple days ago. It always says I’ve entered the wrong number. I’ve tried using the number it says to use when calling from Australia. It doesn’t make a fucking difference. It’s fucking stupid. I think from now on I’m gonna have a PayPal account? That might be easier for traveling. 

    It just feels like nothings really been going anywhere for so long. Like years. I just wish I had some stability. I wish I had some sorta life that I really felt good about. It just feels like everything’s always a mess and nothing fits. 

Pooches

 Apr 1, 2023

    Where’d you go, Dad? He’s gone now. He disappeared so fast.

    I was sure of something, long ago. Now I’m not so sure. 

    What should I do today?

    You could make a video. You could record your vocals for some songs. You could practise presence.    You could plan your journey to the airport. You could do it all. 

    These dogs are so crazy. So hyper. What a funny couple of pooches.