I'm So Young

 May 25, 2022

I’m a complete addict.
I have no control.
 I can’t help it. I don’t really understand. It hurts. It’s so relentless. I can’t stop wanting things. What the heck is wrong with me. It’s stuff outside of my body that my body craves. Things I KNOW won’t bring any satisfaction. 
What kind of a mind am I carrying. It’s a monkey mind. It’s so underdeveloped. So untrained. So primitive. So confused. 
It tingles in a circle and glows and blinks.
“Go and smoke!” Says the voice.
I tell the voice to shut the fuck up.
“Go let loose! Relax! You’ve earned it! It’ll be a reward!”
I said shut the fuck up.
“Fuck the world! Who cares about anything anyways. Everything will be ok in the end! There’s no rush! You can relax!”
Go away. 

I want Jesus. 
He helps me always. He knows me. He knows how to help. He’s in my heart. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. He glows. He turns me on. He turns this whole world alight. He holds me. He knows me. He wants me. He likes me. He needs me. I need him. I want him. I want him to help me. I want his help. 
I’m so confused. 
I’m so young. 

The Action Movie

 May 24, 2022

The vacuum was on my mind. It took three long days to settle down. Then it got eaten up by particles. They were vibrating that vacuum down into a mountain of dust.
Steve showed up about five hundred years later and studied the mound of dust. He took a bite and held his findings up to the light of society.
The university believed that Steve was a loser and that he was crazy. Even Steve’s wife felt that she’d married a weird man. She told him to stop being so ‘cutting edge’.
Steve took his findings to Tibet. The Yogis were interested, but they said they already knew this stuff. They’d discovered it millennia ago.
Steve took his findings to Hollywood. He met with Steven Spielberg. Steven liked Steve’s findings. The two of them got to work on a big action movie. 

Last summer was when the three kids escaped prison. 
I have a third thing to tell you. Are you ready for it?
Yes I am ready! Tell me what it is.
I wanna do this now. I want to tighten up all your laces and sell them to schools.
Sell what?
Your laces.
Let's go for a walk and ease things out. Let’s get some coffee!
That sound delicious. Can I ride in the front seat on the way home?
You sure can! Relax! It’s ok to be ok!
That’s good news. I’m EVOLVING!!!!!!!!!
Yes. You’re moving towards a white dome all the time!!!!
Why white?
It’s just because I need to convey something you can’t see, but into language, and so I chose white. It’s not really white exactly! But it is! It can be anything! 
Ok
It’s like dice!! They can be anything at first!? Yah know? There’s a lot of possib- 
Just hand me the keys! Take me home! I don’t want to date you anymore!
Fine but I’m gonna cry tonight. This is deeply hurting me.
take me home baby blue 

The Cat Talker

  May 23, 2022

I really want help. I want to explore the universe and my mind but I want a teacher. I feel that I’m not ready to go alone. I get confused very quickly. It can get dark and I want to feel that I’m exploring from a place of love. I’m really confused about how to ask for help. But I want to do the right thing. 
There’s a light in here. It’s so obvious. It’s definitely here. But I keep going down the path of thinking that it’s inanimate. It’s just like a chemical reaction. I start to feel silly about talking to it. I worry that by doing this I’m going down the wrong path, the path of clinging and craving. The path of holding onto form. 
But I don’t want to just ignore the light, or treat it as if it doesn’t matter. I feel very confused. I want to be scientific and rational but I want to feel the warmth. I don’t want it to feel so cold. I want to explore so badly, but from a place of safety. 
Maybe I’m not all that wise. I’m no Buddha. I need help. I’m a bit of frightened of the sheer scale of possibilities, and I’m afraid of how easy it seems to be to wander down the wrong path. That’s really what I’m struggling with. I want to do the right thing, but it seems like everyone is saying to do something different. Goenka says to observe the breath and to understand yourself. Jesus seems to say to love God. But I’m not sure if Goenka says to love God? I don’t actually know. I thought he said that it’s counterproductive to worship form. 
I guess that’s assuming that God is form. 
I want a teacher to help me. I like Jesus for some reason. I would love if he was my teacher. That would be cool. He seems nice. 
I don’t know how to pray, or if that’s what he wants. I don’t know how to have a relationship with him. But I want one. 

The magical bus got totally wrecked by the force of gravity. It crumpled and then light erupted from all the cracks.
The people ran away screaming for love. They just wanted some love but Holy Moly were they scared. They ripped apart the town looking for guns. They got all the rifles and shot holes in the carcass of the shining bus.

Ten days later the sheriff came to town. He ripped open his wallet and bought some cigars for himself and his assistant, Mrs. Town Face. 
“Where are we?” Whispered the sheriff.
“We’re in the depths of Sri Lanka,” responded Mrs. Town Face. “You brought us here after your vision, remember?”
“Ah yes. On the other side of those mountains. Back in London.”
“That’s right,” nodded Mrs. Town Face.

My hands got sweaty and I asked God for some light. I told him that I was in a chair moving through time. I told him that it freaked me out. He said to just talk to the cats and ask them for advice. 

This Little Piggy

 May 22, 2022

The frenzy of the mind. It took me by my hands and led me down a path of green lights. 
They sparkled. The dome of my head was getting warmer. 
Even now I understand that you and I are so alike. 
We can always know how to get closer. 
We can all learn this.

The tale of the bird was unfolding. Two boys appeared and killed the bird. They cooked her for supper and then threw her down their throats. That thing was damn delicious. It tickled my eyes to see this unfold.

My love became alive. I felt it in my chest. BOOM BOOM BOOM went the chords of love. 
I thought about thinking. I saw my mind get frozen in thought.
I let go and allowed the light to fill me up. I let the orbs enter through the top of my head. 
This moment was unfolding at an incredible speed. 

This is like learning how to fly. 
I’m happy to know that we can go inside and find love.

Getting High

  May 17, 2022

Yesterday was so interesting. I talked to Nadine on Zoom. She’s a Raiki lady. It was so nice to talk to someone who knows this stuff. I booked a Raiki session for tomorrow. I’m excited for that. She said it was interesting that I called her on the day I did. Something about the start of a new cycle. I like that she said to never lose my ability to be skeptical. She encouraged that quality. 

I had class at U of T. I was becoming so annoyed at one point. I was feeling like it was a waste of money. The lady behind me was annoying me so bad. I was in physical pain. 
We took a ten minute break. I went outside and sat on the stairs. I asked what the lesson was here. If it’s true that we choose our lives, then it means that there’s something valuable for me to learn in this moment. I thought maybe it had something to do with patience or acceptance. I went back and sat in the chair. I was still hating it, but I was allowing the hate to be there. I was letting myself be annoyed. I was also letting them be in the room. Everything single thing that I felt and experienced was allowed to be there. The spot in the back of my head that throbbed was allowed to be there. After a little while of this acceptance everything changed. I felt slightly euphoric, the colours were very nice. I kinda forgot about myself and was just feeling the sensations. It was a good lesson.

After that I went to Brian’s new place. It was very close. We went to T&T Supermarket. I got lamb and noodles. I ate while Brian told me this crazy story about his recent time in San Francisco and having to take care of his brother who was super drunk and high. I didn’t like the food very much. I actually felt slightly sick afterwards. 
Then I took the subway back. The 64 bus from Main was gonna be 20 minutes so I just walked home.
I listened to music. I was really getting this feeling about being high. I didn’t understand why I was thinking about it. It was the whole way home. 
When I got home I was so confused. I didn’t want to smoke because I hadn’t smoked in so long, and it had been such a struggle to stop. But it really felt like I was supposed to do it in that moment. I didn’t even want to, but it just felt like my body was saying to do it. 
I sat and just really really prayed, asking what I was supposed to do. My head was saying no no no no no over and over. I felt a warm buzzing feeling in my stomach and in heart. 
I was also still feeling kinda sick from the food. It was weird. This huge sensation of needing to get something out, and this huge feeling that I needed to smoke weed. I kept thinking that I was scared, because it wasn’t that I was against weed, it’s just that I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to stop smoking again once I started. 

So Carter said I could have a joint. I went down to the beach and smoked. It was really interesting. I felt the feelings in my body so well. I let the anxiety be there. I observed it. I saw a tree and realized that it was a galaxy. All the leaves were stars and the tree was this beautiful thing that held and nourished them. I realized that humans are like stars, or leaves, and that there’s this thing holding us all together, that we can’t see. For stars it’s gravity. For leaves it’s the branches. For humans, it’s something. I don’t know what it is. But when I saw that tree it was so obvious that we’re all connected, especially because the tree connects to the earth. It’s just galaxies within galaxies within galaxies. 
I was sitting on a bench looking at this tree, and when I’d have a realization I would get tapping feelings on my body. There was a very pronounced one on my upper lip. It felt like someone was kinda reminding me to pay attention. It felt like something wanted me to love it, and it felt sad when I wasn’t loving it. 
I went home. I played guitar. I was plucking strings and just listening to the sound grow more and more faint. It was so beautiful. You can actually hear them for a long time. Some of them would make weird sounds near the end. 
I noticed that I can move my awareness to different sections of my throat. I can change the voice, depending on where the awareness is. It’s so obvious though, that we can all make our voice change, but it was very interesting in that moment when I realized WHY it was changing. It was because my awareness can move, and the awareness coupled with the location produce different sounds. Each point on the body is unique and it will produce a unique sound when the awareness is held there.
I also realized how this affects thoughts, or consciousness. Because so many of our senses are on our heads, we spend so much of our time up in our head. We sorta see this as the helm of the ship. We see the head and awareness and the thoughts all as one thing. But if we move our awareness to other parts of the body, the thoughts change.
If you really hold your awareness on your stomach and chest, the types of thoughts and ideas are very different than if you hold your awareness in your head. Not that one is better than the other. They’re just different. Different points of view. All can be correct. But all should be considered to see the bigger picture. 
I also really came to terms with the fact that weed has some inherent characteristics when combined with me. Some of these are over thinking, watching videos, getting distracted, staying up late. These things will always happen. I can’t take this as a personal weakness. It’s just the nature of mixing my body and marijuana.  

Mammoth Movements

May 16, 2022

I’m at home. It’s raining but it’s really pretty. 
I had lots of interesting dreams. I’ve been recording them into my phone when I wake up. That makes it a lot easier to get them all down. 
It all feels really beautiful and exciting but then it feels like a bit of a slog to sit down and write it all out. I feel that it’s important, though.
Renita texted me this morning. She sent a GIF of Buddha. I thought it was weirdly appropriate, especially after the dreams I’d had. Apparently today is when they celebrate his birthday. 
I was happy to text her. I told her I wanna hang out with her soon because I have so much to talk about. 
We’re gonna talk on the phone tomorrow.
Also in a little bit I’m gonna have a phone call with a Reiki lady. I’m really excited about that. Two people I get to talk to about this stuff! Two people who are already into this stuff. 

Yesterday I went to the cemetery with Nana and Dad. Then we had dinner at The Roy. It was a nice evening. Dad leaves later today for Ireland. He’ll be back in October.

I have a funny way of learning lessons through him. It’s subtle and easy to miss. He’ll sometimes say something that upsets or hurts me. Now I see that I can use the opportunity to practise patience.
I have similar experiences with Tyler. I’m trying my best to understand that he’s not malicious. 
Gabriel said that maybe he’s just in his head and not fully in the conversation. This might lead to confusion in communication. I think that’s closer to the truth.
I was talking with him a moment ago. I was being really patient. I noticed that he’ll say stuff that doesn’t exactly make sense, or he’ll ask a question about something that we literally just clarified. I realize that Gabriel might be right. 
I don’t think he’s fully in the conversation he’s having, which leads him to say things that don’t totally make sense. I end up having a difficult time understanding him. 
I just need to be patient and really listen. I’ll often answer immediately after he’s finished talking. I continue the thread of confusion.
This time I kinda repeated what I’d said and made sure he understood. 
Sometimes he doesn’t say what he means. I kind of have to help him get to the point.
So that could be a good lesson for me. Because I often feel really bad after I interact with him. I feel that he will say stuff that doesn’t make sense, or he won’t say what he wants to say. Then I start mirroring that. I become the thing that bothers me about him. 
Afterwards I sit there wondering why I suddenly forgot how to think or speak. 
I need to take a breath before I respond. 

Dreams 

I’m out front of the house. 
Carter and Bri arrive to pick me up. 
I tell Bri I’m so excited to see her.
She get’s annoyed by my excitement and feels that I’m being fake. I know in myself that I’m not being fake. I don’t want to get in their car.
Jack pulls up next to them in this huge black pick up truck. I get in. We drive downtown. I’m so high above the road. 
He drops me off somewhere. 
I’m with Tyler and Carter. Tyler has a bag of mushrooms. I eat a bunch. We keep walking.
It’s very foggy. I normally use skyscrapers to orient myself, but I can’t because the fog obscures the buildings. I don’t know street names so Carter has to lead us.
We get to a restaurant. It turns out Mami, nana, dad and mom are joining us, like a surprise. I’m happy to see them. I worry they might get weirded out because the mushrooms are starting to kick in. 
I get up to use the bathroom. I’m about the push the bathroom door when a short man starts yelling at me. He says he’s in line. I go to wait behind him. He’s still angry. 
I say ‘dude I’ve never been here before, how am I supposed to know there’s only one toilet in there.’ 
He kinda retreats into the bathroom, still yelling. 

I’m entering a grocery store. Mom and the group I’m with have already gone in.
I’m hanging up my bag and jacket. I can’t enter the store right away. There’s work being done on some gate. I’m waiting.
There’s two girls and a dad. The girls are about 2. I’m making funny faces at them and then chatting with the dad.
Then they look more like 12-14. They sound like they’re 3. They’re talking to me about going to the dentist. I’m having a nice time listening to them, but I feel that people around might think it’s weird that I’m talking to these young girls. I know that I’m not doing anything bad, and I know that the girls know this, but I worry that other adults and the father will think I’m being creepy. As soon as the work on the gate finishes I enter the store and walk away.
I’m catching up to my group. I overhear Brenya talking about feminism. I hear one of the staff saying to his co-workers that if he hears those people mention feminism one more time that he’ll kick them the fuck out.
I start talking to this guy. I ask him questions. I’m trying to be very civilized and I’m not trying to fight him at all. Just a discussion. I feel really good that even though we have different opinions we’re able to talk peacefully. 

I’m in a kids video game/movie. I’m with other people. We’re in the bowels of some dark castle. There’s tall skeletons around us. I have a sword and I’m fighting them. It’s fun because the skeletons are slow and weak.
Then we’re ascending stairs. I can somehow see Kris Jenner talking on the phone. She’s sorta nervous. I know that we’re coming up the stairs into some big commotion. We enter a big room with beautiful staircases. There’s people all around and news cameras. Something is happening. I run outside. 
All around are little clusters of sparkling little lights. There’s something divine about them. I’m so happy to see them. 
I suddenly glide very smoothly to the floor and lie down. I feel blissful and empty. I have no weight. Just awareness.
A beautiful girl comes up. I ask to cuddle with her. 
Then we’re on a bed. I think she’s one of the Kardashians. She has jeans. She says she’s dating Carter. 
I tell her she’s beautiful. She says she feels guilty because I’m friends with Carter. I sort of knew it was a dream and so I knew it wouldn’t matter if we hooked up. We started kissing. It felt very good but then the dream shifted. 

I’m out front of a grocery store. A bus is pulling in. I see Luke Ripley. We smile and wave at each other. It feels nice.
I’m walking home now. I know that I’m in a small town and it’ll take a while to get back to Toronto.
Some boys are behind me. They run up behind and stop me. I know they wanna rob me. They’re tall. Maybe a couple years younger than me.
They start punching me. They’re laughing. I run into a store directly to my right. It’s a sporting goods store. The owner inside wants us to leave and stop fighting. I tell him I’ll buy $50 worth of stuff if he lets me stay. The other boys reveal they only have a couple of dollars in their pockets. The owner points to me and says ‘I’m going with this guy’.
I don’t want to be fighting with the boys. I ask if they’re hungry and offer to buy them a pizza. Suddenly they have pizzas. One boy drops a pizza and gets sauce on the counter. I help him clean it up.
The boys start playing pool. I walk around the store deciding what to buy. I bump into the boys. I formally introduce myself and we shake hands. He says his name is Dave.
Then I woke up. I felt so good when I woke up. I really felt like I had tried to help these boys. I felt like I had improved their lives. 
When we first entered the store I remember thinking that I was offering my body to be a vessel to ‘god’ or to the angles, because I didn’t know how to handle the situation.
It ended so peacefully and on good terms and I felt so wonderful. 

Friendly Friends

  May 15, 2022

It’s a beautiful day. The sun is out. There’s a bit of a fog. I guess it’ll get quite humid later. I went for a jog and just finished meditating for 45 minutes. 
Yesterday was an interesting day. It just felt interesting. People kept showing up. I kept seeing people and hearing from people. It was really nice. Brian texted me in the morning. I talked to April a bit later. Then I went to work and Tyler showed up. Then Tomas showed up. He told me about seeing Bryan. It was just really nice. 
I want to sign-up for Reiki. I’m really interested in it. 
Last night I has this really beautiful thing happen. I was meditating before bed. I was kinda getting slightly frustrated because my mind kept wandering and I was having a hard time focusing. I eventually just lay down to go to sleep. I lay down on my back and put my hand over my chest. I started to meditate and pretty quickly I got this really beautiful feeling in my heart. It’s the first time I felt a rush of energy in that part of my body. I only started focusing on it like last week. I was always slightly uncomfortable about feeling my heart. I didn’t like feeling the pulse. It made me uncomfortable for some reason. This last week I’ve been focused on overcoming this anxiety and so I’ve been spending more time feeling my chest. Last night it felt like something opened up and this huge rush of energy come through. It felt at one point like the bed was blasting upwards and I was being pushed down into the mattress it. It was such a warm feeling.

Dreams 
Liam and I have agreed to sign up for something with Dave from Beyond The Beat. We finally agree after he says that he’ll include free pizza. We find out that we’re going to have to go to his house, which is in North York area, so quite a ways from home.
Then we’re at 30 Rockefeller Centre. I guess the location changed. Dave has rented out an office for his business. Everything is stripped. Liam and I, as well as Dad, are all there to help renovate. He’s got a great big antique cash register. It’s very heavy. He has me pound reinforcements into the floor to hold it up. 
Dave gets notified that someone is down in the lobby. The first customer! He runs out to meet them. 
I leave the office and wander around the halls. I find a bathroom. I use it and then keep wandering. All the offices are locked unless you have pass, like in a hotel. I tap a bunch of the sensors for fun, just to see them all turning red. I go back to our office. I hesitate about going inside because I don’t wanna keep working. 

Brian and I are hanging out in some sort of study room. I think someone is playing pool. Brian opens a can of beer for me. I stare at it, tempted to drink it. I wonder if I should start drinking again. I don’t drink it. 
We get up to leave and agree that we’ll come back next week. I leave the beer on some pole. 

I’m at a cottage overlooking a lake. I have mushrooms. I’m wondering if I should eat them. The person next to me says that even though it’s only around 9 pm, it’s still too late to do them, because I’ll be up all night long. I realize that if I eat them I’ll have to cancel walking the dog in the morning. I decide not to eat them. 

I’m with dad. He’s pointing to houses and saying that we stayed in one of them at one point. He’s pointing to the area of houses where I saw Miranda and her family. I start wondering if I was in the same house that she’s staying in. 

A Tiny New York

  May 14, 2022

A couple days ago something interesting happened in meditation. I was feeling the tingling in my hands. Normally I just feel the sensation. This time I really INTENDED to focus on it. When I did that this really weird rush of energy went all through my body. I’d never felt it before. It felt like the bottom dropped out from under me and then something slowly but surely began increasing in intensity. My heart started beating very quick. I didn’t know what was about to happen but I tried to just accept it. It just kept getting stronger and stronger until I consciously stopped. I was getting tired and my heart was beating really fast. I watched some videos describing what that might have been. 
Yesterday I had similar things happen in meditation. I began by feeling my breath and really intending to relax. Then I felt the tingling in my body. At certain points I would suddenly feel something drop out from under me and this huge rush of energy. 
I’m trying not to crave it. I don’t want to feel that I’m failing when it doesn’t happen. Baby steps. 
I’ve realized how much this ‘intention’ thing plays a role in all of this. The past 5 years I would just sit and meditate. I would never intend. That’s kind of where I’m struggling now. I’m trying to have intentions, but that doesn't mean ‘to think’ or to make something happen. There seems to be a fine line between having an intention and thinking about making something happen. When I think, I end up getting kind of frustrated and confused. It seems to be about just very consciously feeling the sensations in the body, that’s all. Accepting whatever happens, even if it’s a thought. It doesn’t seem to be about ‘brushing away’ the thoughts. That’s changing the reality. It’s about noticing the thought, letting it be there, and that’s it. Not engaging with it. 
I think a part of the problem is that we think being conscious is a choice. I find that I’m ‘trying’ to be conscious. That seems to be thinking. Consciousness is already there without trying. 
It’s all easier said than done. It seems to be a matter of unlearning rather than learning.

Dreams

There’s a lot of commotion. Lots of people. Close to some edge. Dad is talking to many people. He’s shouting. People are circling him. 
It feels like a storm is about to start. I think we’re on the edge of the CN Tower. He tells the people that he can make everything tilt. Everything starts turning upside down. I really don’t like it. I’m holding onto the ground, which is now above me. I only have one hand holding me. I’m slipping. I’ll die if I let go because I’ll fall forever. I’m screaming at him. I’m telling him to stop and to turn the world back round. I think he does. But later on I remember that death isn’t real and so I jump anyways.
I’m falling, but I only know I’m falling when my eyes are open. When I close my eyes I just feel weightless. When they’re open I see that I’m falling down past a long list of followers, like on Instagram or YouTube. All their thumbnails keep scrolling past, and there’s a little indicator that shows how many are left. When I close my eyes I don’t experience any of this. 
Then I’m in a room. I think it’s in a basement. I go upstairs. I’m outside. It’s the courtyard of a school. A woman leaves the building behind me. She’s with three boys and they’re identical twins in their twenties. They’re all carrying guitars out of the school.
I walk home. I find dad. I tell him about the dream. He already knows about it. When he was sleeping he saw my dream, but it was sort of different. He said he could hear me calling out in my sleep. He said that when the world turned upside down I quickly made a bee-line for Australia. 

Later I call dad. I’m pretending to be a banker. I think I want him to tell the story of my dream again. It’s sort of a prank call. At one point he asks ‘is this Kai?’

I’m in New York. I’m at the south end of the island. There’s little plots of land. They’re all divided by wooden fences. There’s old men in the plots, working on the soil. They look like farmers. Someone tells us that something bad happened up in mid-town, and that a lot of the bankers are going to be there soon. They’re coming to get their land. 
One of the farmers says “This is our land!” 
The person responds “Technically it’s their land. They own it.” 
We start leaving to avoid the bankers. We get to the very southern tip of Manhattan. Everything is smaller. The waves are crashing on to the shore right in front of us.
I see a rock about waist high. It’s the Fox Theatre. It has a marquee attached to the front of the rock. You can read the movies that are playing. There’s no building. 
The Statue of Liberty is just a little ways out in the water. It’s so small. Ed Sheeran is there, and he wades out into the water to be with the statue. It’s very cold and the water must be freezing. 

Bob's Bazaar

  May 13, 2022

I feel like I keep forgetting to stand back and just feel as opposed to actively trying to engage with my body and make something happen. 
Every once in a while I experience this interesting rushing feeling of energy. I felt my heart so strongly at one point radiating a warm feeling. 
A light in my head would get really bright and flicker.

Dreams 

I’m arriving at a book club. There’s a big table and there’s lots of people sat around chatting. I take an available seat at the head of the table. 
Someone else walks in. It’s a large man. I think he’s out of breath. He also takes an available seat. 
I’m in Media Arts class in High School. Mr. Matthews is teaching. I keep talking to the person next to me. Mr. Matthews keeps telling me to stop talking. He’s getting very frustrated. 

I’m walking through an empty supermarket. I think it’s night time. The place feels closed. I’m listening to Rubber Soul on my headphones. Now that I’m awake I realize that a lot of the songs I heard don’t exist, but in the dream I knew that they were part of Rubber Soul. They sounded like the Beatles but also like SMiLE by Brian Wilson. I remember one part where there were a lot of harmonies and it reminded me of the beginning of SMiLE. 
I’m just observing all the fruits in there. I’m getting up close and just staring at them. Suddenly someone is walking down the stairs. It was Liam dressed as a detective. I point and yell out- “Detective!” 
He kind of laughs and tells me to shush. I didn’t realize how loud I was due to having headphones in. He comes further down the stairs and I can tell he wants to make me laugh. I do my best to ignore him, because I don’t want to wake the sleeping people above. I continue to look at the fruits as he goes into the bathroom. 

I’m outside the house with the neighbour, Jack. He tells me he’s dying of cancer and that he has 6 weeks to live. I’m stunned at first, but then I get somewhat excited for him.
I tell him that this is gonna sound crazy, but that death isn’t real. I ask if he’s heard of NDE’s. He says he has. He says that he’s been watching those videos and it makes him feel better. We get excited discussing the topic. 
I tell Justin and Jamie about that stuff too. Eventually I can’t tell which of the three brother I’m talking to. They keep changing and they all look similar in the dream. 

I’m acting in some movie. There’s no one filming, but somehow I know it’s a movie. We start at one section outside a little building and we act for a long time, walking and walking and acting out scenes. Later on I’m heading home but I can’t find my shoes. I retrace all the steps I took in the scene. I don’t find them. I even reverse time so that I can see where I lost them. I still don’t find them. It’s interesting to see some of the conversations in reverse. 

I’m in an underground garage with dad. We find Papee’s red car underneath a tarp. Someone had bought it from us years earlier apparently. Now they’ve modified it. It looks slightly different. It looks more like a hot wheels car. They also tried putting new paint on some sections of it, but the paint is chipping. They made some mistake when painting it. 
I have to park a car into one of the spots. I think I used some sort of autopilot thing. I just push a button and parks for me. The only problem is that slightly grazes another car. 

There’s smoke coming from the neighbour’s house. Jason and someone else in our house have already run outside. I’m still getting my shoes on, kind of taking my time. Jason runs back to make sure I’m coming. I tell him that I should be ok. I don’t feel much rush. Then I say that I guess it would be bad if the fire spread to a tree and then that tree fell on me. After I think about that I start hurrying up a little.

Star Power

  May 12, 2022

I’m organizing my hard drive. I feel tingling all through my head. I’m consciously feeling it. 
Brian Wilson was in my dreams last night. Now I’m listening to a song of his. In the song he sings the lyric ‘all the stars above my head’. I really began to feel the tingling at that moment. Then I looked into my computer screens reflection and noticed the big painting we have of a star. It’s behind me on the wall. It’s hanging over my head. I really started tingling. 

Dreams 
I had a very weird and vivid dream last night. I kept noticing that there were little yellow things on my arm. They looked like tiny strings of cheese. I kept brushing them off. They started wriggling around on the floor. They looked like something between a maggot and a worm. They were orange.
I noticed that there was still more on my body. I kept brushing them off. More and more were falling to the floor. I remember standing back and looking at them all on the floor. There were thousands of them wriggling around! 
They didn’t even seem to be animals. Just the act of brushing them would cause some of them to smush. They were much closer to little strings of cheese that seemed to be wriggling around. 
I didn’t feel super grossed out. I was definitely WEIRDED out, but not like horribly disgusted. The fact that I couldn’t feel them when they were on me, and the fact that they came off so easily told me that they weren’t cause for concern. 
Someone in the dream asked what I’d eaten lately. I told him I’d eaten Doritos. I said that maybe the chips had been expired. 

I was in my room and I really had to pee. At first I tried peeing in the corner. I started but then stopped after realizing that it didn’t make any sense to do that. I didn’t want to go all the way to the bathroom for some reason. I went outside to find a good spot. 
I found a toilet on the sidewalk. I sat down and started peeing. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was sitting down to pee. The idea that I was shitting was better than the idea that I was peeing sitting down. 
I think two ladies showed up. They had four piglets following them like puppies. One of the piglets ran over to me and sniffed my hand. I started petting him. 

I’m walking along a street. A car drives by really fast and hits a second car, causing it  to shoot off the road and into a building. Everyone stops to watch. I take out my phone and think about calling 911. I keep trying to dial the number but something keeps happening and I keep needing to start over again. Eventually it starts ringing but then I see that there’s already an ambulance there and so I hang up. 

I’m driving a little car. I can’t remember if someone hits me or if something in the car breaks down. Either way the car just stops driving. I have to get out and push it to the side of the road. It’s a very small car. It’s so light that as I’m pushing it the whole thing accidentally rolls over upside down. I have to flip it right side up again. I remember being very frustrated. 

I’m on an airplane. I don’t think I was sitting in the front, but I could somehow see out the front. I was just a passenger. We were about to land. A plane in front was also descending. They suddenly pulled up just before landing. 
A huge portion of the runway turned out to be closed off. There was very little room for us to land. We were fast approaching a building. I held the hand of the girl next to me and told her everything was going to be fine. I don’t know who she was. I feel like it was my mom, but I think she was much younger than me. 
The plane entered the building but it just kept going through these weird rectangular forms. The plane never collided with anything. We eventually stopped. I think Mami was there. She said something about how it was so dangerous of them to shorten the runway like that. 

Klondike Clues

  May 11, 2022

Dreams 

I was in a car. Mami was driving. I think someone else was there. We were driving along the elevated highway in Montreal. The road was pretty much empty. There seemed to be some sort of construction because a lot of lanes were closed. Mami had to keep weaving around all these obstacles. She never slowed down. She was doing just fine. I was stressed because I couldn’t see any of the obstacles as well as she could. I kept thinking we were about to crash.
I think she was talking about something as she drove. I think she was on the verge of tears. She was really discussing something. It didn’t seem to impede on her driving. 

Mami, Mom and I are walking along a laneway at night. We were walking home. We were staying in a Mexican Vila that we’d rented. 
There’s a couple in front of us. They appear to be walking home as well. Mom and Mami walk just behind me. They’re chatting. 
The couple in front of us walk slowly. The woman suddenly turns around and looks at me. 
We arrive to our villa. Mami takes out her keys and unlocks the door. A young man suddenly approaches us from behind. He’s drunk. He grabs Mami in a playful way, but it’s still weird. I squeeze my right hand into a fist and punch him in the eye. He tumbles over. I think I might’ve started to kick him. I think he leaves after that.
Now we’re inside the villa with the lights on. The man returns. We walks into our villa. I think his mom was with him. He pulls out a large knife. I wake myself up.

I’m in the courtyard of El Pueblo. I’m with Patrick. We’re petting two dogs. We’re also looking at Lego figures. 
Patrick’s dad is suddenly there. He’s living in one of the units. He talks about his lego figures. He says he wants us to be careful with them, because two in particular are very valuable. 
One of the valuable Lego Figures somehow becomes a memory of him walking down the street holding a woman’s hand. It’s a memory that means a lot to him.
I don’t remember what the other memory was. It was something like when people throw babies up into the air and catch them. 

Craving Something

  May 10, 2022

I don’t know why but it seems like I’ve been thinking about Miranda a lot again. I think it’s more that when I think about girls, she’s just the one that kinda represents all girls for me. 
It seemed to start after mom and her boyfriend came to visit. I wonder if it’s something about being around a couple. 
At a deeper level I don’t feel a need for a girlfriend. It feels like there’s some blockage, though. Before mom and her boyfriend came to visit I was meditating a lot and was really feeling like I was learning how to love myself. Now I feel as though I gotta start all over. 
I think it’s partly because I haven’t played an open mic in so long. I’ve been so busy this week. 
I also started craving weed two nights ago. I had completely forgotten about weed. That tells me that there is definitely some confusion going on. I’m looking for external relief (girls, weed), when all the answers are within!

Dreams 

I only remember one dream. I haven’t been very good at writing them down as soon as I wake up. I want to keep doing that. It was a nice way of connecting to something bigger than myself. 

In the dream I was with mom and Miranda. It’s crazy how many dreams Miranda is in. 
The three of us were at some plaza. I think mom asked me if I ever texted Miranda again. Miranda said “No, he didn’t!” 
I was like “yah I did!” 
I don’t really remember the details but I think Mom asked her if she had been expecting me to keep texting her. I think Miranda said yes. Then mom said that the two of us should still hang out if that’s what we both want. 
Miranda said that maybe we could go on a date to Times Square in a couple of months. 

A Night Of Love

  May 9, 2022

Dreams

Lots of sexual dreams last night.

I remember laying on a bed and a large black girl was riding me. She was really slamming down hard over and over and it was pretty uncomfortable. If felt like she was trying to jack hammer me into the floor. My girlfriend in the dream was sitting next to us and watching. I think she was naked. 

Dad and I are walking. We’re supposed to catch a bus but we keep missing it. Eventually dad goes inside a store. A bus arrives while he’s inside. I get on the bus. I think that maybe he’ll know what happened and he’ll catch the next bus and we can meet up at our destination. I get stressed thinking that he’ll be confused when he comes out of the store and sees I’m not there.
(Last night he and I walked from the restaurant all the way to the subway station. We kept missing busses because we wouldn’t stand and wait at the bus stops. It was a nice walk though). 

I’m at the Fox, but in the dream it didn’t look like the Fox. I’m there with Brian and Dad We’re in the foyer with lots of guests. We’re waiting for the movie to finish. Once it’s done some customer opens the door and we all go inside. We get some seats close to the back in the middle of the row. I think we were seeing The Batman, but the movie that was playing was sorta like Toy Story but rated R. I think I remember toys torturing other toys. 

Liam has a girlfriend. At first I don’t know who she is, but after a while I realize that it’s Chloe. We keep glancing at each other. Whenever Liam leaves the room we start making out. 

Lucky Lust

  May 6, 2022

Dreams 

Someone is helping me fold a big sheet. Inside the sheet are clothes. 
Now I’m walking to school with a bunch of people. I’m carrying this sheet with lots of clothes. I’ve got shirts and socks and underwear. Everyone is crowding around laughing. I’m telling them all that I’ve decided to live at school. I’m going to live in a little hut. I feel like I’m in elementary school. 
Mrs. Sullivan, my eighth grade teacher, sees me and says something like ‘I hope you’re not bringing those clothes here’. 

I’m at the Fox. I think there’s a man who can’t hear sounds. I take a little patch of fabric and staple it to his forehead. Now he can hear sounds. 
I think the patch works like a speaker. Someone’s voice comes out of the patch even if they’re a long way away. We test it out. The man is at the front of the theatre. I sit next to some guy and Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy talks and his voice comes out of the patch on the man’s head. 
We do a second test. One man travels to different province and the man with the patch goes to another province. They are still able to communicate.

I remember being way above the northern Canadian landscape and seeing all the rivers below. I remember looking for a route that people would take if they were travelling south. 

Some sort of big event, like a school graduation. I’m walking down a road with two other people under a canopy of trees. A girl comes up to us and starts talking. She tells us she’s 12, which is surprising because she looks and sounds our age. She invites us to her birthday party. We agree. She takes us to her house. On the first floor she has some toys. We help her carry the boxes all the way up a few flights of stairs. We all sit at a table and build lego together.

I have a blurry memory of being in a car and towing around a big U-Haul trailer. The U-Haul was too big for the car. I think I felt like we were doing something we weren’t supposed to be doing and that we might get caught. 

Knives Out

  May 5, 2022

It’s a sunny day. I feel good because there’s a lot to be excited about. I also feel a bit stressed because I seem to owe so much money. And I still don’t have my passport. I tried calling them just now but they won’t even let you wait on hold. They just say all lines are busy and then they hang up. 
Everything is going to be completely fine in the end. 

Dreams

The first dream was really weird and really made me feel funny.
I was here at home. I was with Liam and some random guy and maybe a few other guys. We were all sitting in the living room. At one point I noticed the random man had a knife with him. He was concealing it under the table. At some point he told me that he was going to kill everyone, but if I wanted to leave he would let me, just as long as I left without telling anyone that I was leaving or what was about to happen. 
I feel like I had been arguing with Liam in the dream, so I didn’t mind making this deal at first. 
I didn’t really know when to leave. I think that after I used the bathroom I decided to start putting on my shoes. I was becoming very stressed. I realized that I’d left my laptop in the living room but I figured that it would be best to leave it. As I was tying my shoes I peeked into the living room and I could see that the man had Liam on his knees and that he was putting the knife into his neck. I had the most conflicting feeling, because my brother was being murdered right in front of me, but I also wanted to save myself. I left the house quietly with the most unbelievable guilt. I think I just walked up the street feeling horrible.
This dream is interesting because it seems closely related to what I was reading in 1984 last night. One of the ways they destroy people emotionally is use their worst fear against them. In Winstons’s case they told him they were going to let rats eat his face. In that moment he’s so terrified that he begs that they do it to Julia instead. Julia was the love of his life. 
After that Winston is somewhat a different person, because he realized what he was willing to do in order to save himself. The Party uses this method to destroy their prisoners emotionally.
After I read this I thought it was maybe a little over dramatic. I felt that even if a prisoner did ask that their pain be given to their loved one, that this wouldn’t really have a lasting impact on them emotionally. 
Now I felt like I understood how Winston felt. I had saved myself, but I now felt despicable and selfish. 

Something about David Attenborough and how in the dream he was strongly atheist to the point of ridiculing anyone for believing in God. 
I think that he had Jeremy Clarkson’s personality. He was being very rude and condescending. 
People were talking about what a shame it was that he’d been so beloved for so many years and had made so many movies that people loved, and now he had done a 180 and totally annihilated everyone. He was vicious. 

I go to use the bathroom but there’s a mother and father teaching their toddler how to use the urinal. The dad is lifting his son up and holding him near the urinal. The boy just hangs their peeing forwards with his arms hanging at his sides. 
Someone tells me I should use the bathroom downstairs. I think the guy is Marzio from the open-mics.
I go down some tight spiral staircase. I enter a the stall but the door won’t lock. The stall actually has two doors, but neither are locking. The walls of the stall are covered in an advertisement for Twitter. I think it’s implying that a big portion of their users are using Twitter while on the toilet. 
I leave the bathroom. Now I’m in a gym. I go over to one of the exercise machines. There’s a very cute girl there. She’s telling someone else that she broke a bone when she first used the machine. She’d done something wrong. 
There’s a sheet of paper that suggests exercises you should do. I ask the girl to come over and explain one to me. She finds it weird and funny that I don’t understand. She goes away but says she’ll be back. I wait around but she never comes. 
Later in the dream someone says something about how I was reading it wrong. The exercise wasn’t ‘dreams in knives’ but ‘knives in dreams’. 
The instruction had something to do with dream psychology I think? Not actually an exercise? 
Something like that, I don’t really know. 
I’m going to buy Pizza. All the shops are built on stilts above an enormous black abyss. There’s one wooden plank that acts like a sidewalk and connects all the shops. I walk along the plank to get some pizza. Later in the dream I go back and the guy says he’s not open. I think something bad had happened. Maybe he was robbed? I leave to find somewhere else to eat. 
There’s a big house with lots of people inside. I tell them that I’ll bring them all bags of popcorn from The Fox. 

Family Friends

  May 4, 2022

I don’t remember much of my dreams. I wonder if it’s because I didn’t have a proper meditation yesterday. Mom and her boyfriend are visiting. Yesterday they went with me to the open-mics. It was a good time. I performed at two bars. 
It was weird because there was this guy in the audience who kept saying interesting things. When I first went up I asked how I should introduce myself. He said to tell the story of how my mom and dad met. I thought that was weird because my mom was sitting right next to him. At one point I played a new song that didn’t have lyrics yet. Apparently he went over to mom and told her that she should write poetry for my song. She thought it was weird because she recently wrote some poetry and a friend told her it would sound good with music. 
I went up to the man after my performance. I asked for his advice. He looked at me really intensely and said ‘the universe is infinite’. I told him it’s so weird that he should say that because that’s the kind of stuff I’ve been obsessed with the last couple weeks. He was saying that there’s always more to learn on the guitar, and so it’s not necessarily all about becoming perfect.  
Dad’s also in Toronto today. He’s gonna come by in an hour to get some stuff. We’re going to swap guitars. I’m excited to have that new one. It’ll be a lot better for the open-mics because it has a proper little setup for plugging in. 
I start my second city class today. Then I gotta walk the dog. 

Dreams 
I’m in the living room. There’s people over. It feels like a house party. There’s some cute girls and they start getting more and more sexual. At first they’re just glancing at me. Then they’re moving their bodies very provocatively and making out with other boys. Then they’re pulling up their skirts. Now they’re fully naked! 
One girl who I went to Malvern with is at my right and she’s naked. She tells me to stand up and come over. We start making out. It’s fun, but as we’re making out she’s telling me about her dad. It’s like we’re having a therapy session. I’m asking her questions and she’s really opening up and telling me about the struggles she had with her dad growing up. Somehow we’re still managing to make out. 
At one point we bang our noses together very hard and it’s quite painful. I feel my nose and it feels all crooked. I wake up. 

In my dream I’m lying in bed. I’m also standing over myself watching myself sleep. At some point I notice that Tyler is there too. He’s on the floor next to the bed. He’s crouched over like a bug. He looks like he’s hiding from my body in the bed but he seems to be staring right at the version of me standing up. 
I get really scared. I wake up afraid thinking that there’s still someone there. 

I’m in some sort of community. There’s lots of run down houses and there’s kids all over the place. We’re all playing tag. I’m the one who’s ‘it’. I’m counting to a hundred or something. I start going around looking for the kids. I catch them pretty easily because they’re so young and pretty slow. They’re mostly around 5. Some of them are sitting in a grocery cart. After the game is over I’m walking with some of the kids. On either side of us are enormous elephant legs. We walk between them. I don’t even remember seeing the elephant since he’s so high up. We walk between the legs and get worried that he’ll poop on us.

 
I’d been grocery shopping. I think I was with George Constanza and Jerry Seinfeld. I can’t remember what they were talking about. I think George wanted to start something, like a new hobby or learn something. I think we all knew that he would give up. 
When we got to the house I rolled down some concrete stairs. I opened up my grocery bag and saw that most of the eggs had cracked. Only a couple were intact.

The Health Class

  May 3, 2022

    Dreams 

I’m in the water of a river.  I’m watching a Howard Stern interview take place. It’s all happening in the water. Jay Leno is also there. Someone's being interviewed. I think they committed a crime. I think Howard is trying to get the guest to talk about that thing. He keeps trying to redirect the person. The person is trying to swim away. Howard keeps throwing big red ketchup chips into the water in the direction that he wants the guest to swim. We were floating under the metal beams of a big bridge at one point. 

A skinny man who looks like he does drugs is standing in the driveway. I go out to meet him. I’m selling him a couple of toys in a little ziplock bag. He says he’s driven a long way to be here. I’m only selling them for like $5. We chat for a minute and then he leaves. I go back inside.

There’s an interview with some guys who are in jail for buying Cocaine. They were very funny and friendly guys. I think it might have been Joey Diaz and the host of the comedy store documentary. I can’t remember what they talked about asides from being in jail for coke. I think there was more. 

In Toronto there’s these little wooden houses out front of peoples real houses that are used for trading books. You can donate a book and grab one from the shelf. 
In my dream there was this little shelf, but inside of it were just random things that people didn’t need anymore. 
I could see a woman looking inside it. She had been pushing a stroller. I think she was a nanny. I ran over and saw that there was a Mr. Potato head inside. I put my hand in to grab it as the woman told me that she wanted the Mr. Potato head. I took it for myself. She was really angry and was saying she wanted it and that she’d claimed it first. I didn’t listen to her and ran away. I felt sort of evil for having done that.
Inside the Mr. Potato Head were a few more things. I only remember a watch. I knew I could sell it for a lot of money on Facebook Marketplace. I felt very guilty when I looked at it because I felt like I’d stolen it from the lady. 

I’m at Kew Park. I see a guy my age taking photos. I see that he has the camera I used to have. I had to take my camera out for something, and I was hoping that he’d see my big camera and think I’m very good. There were some older guys on a bench talking. I walked over to them and reorganized the contents of my bag. There were 3 skateboard decks inside. 

I go into a McDonald’s. I get a drink. I leave the building and go out on the patio. Jimmy is supposed to be there. I figure that something must’ve happened. I figure that his phone died and now he can’t call me.
Then my phone rings and it’s Jimmy. He’s crying and sounds a bit scared. He said that his phone died. He had decided to walk to my house. He rang the bell and my mom answered. She let him in. He charged his phone and then called me. 

I’m in the auditorium of a high school. We’re watching the very first screening of Grease. The movie had been filmed at the school. All the students and teachers watch the movie. I only remember the end when everyone claps. 
I walk to the front. There’s a table with new Apple Products. There’s some enormous iPads. There’s also a little iPad in the shape of a square. There’s some new AirPods Pro that are black and have fabric on them. An employee try's selling them to me. I tell him I probably won’t need them because I’m quite happy with my AirPods. 
Someone next to me says AirPods suck, but I tell him that I have AirPods Pro, which are much better in my opinion. 

I’m going for a walk and listening to a Joe Rogan podcast. He and a guest are talking about what they like about AirPods Pro. They say they’re 10-15% better than regular AirPods. I remember disagreeing and thinking that there’s a bigger difference.

 
I'm at a party. Joe Rogan is there, but he’s a woman. I can’t tell if he’s dressed in drag or if maybe he was always a woman and I just never noticed. I also wonder if maybe he doesn’t identify with one gender but just changes his appearance from time to time. 
At the party he had long brown hair. He wore a red dress and had makeup. I thought that he was quite an ugly woman. He was talking to a girl next to him and was acting very girly. I think he kissed their cheek. 
He went to the bathroom and sat down to pee. I somehow knew that he didn’t have a penis. Then he flashed his breasts very quickly as he was peeing. 

I’m on a grassy field behind some houses. There’s families around. I’m talking on the phone with Dad. I’m using my AirPods. I’m walking in circles around the park. Every once in a while the connection gets bad. It’s usually in the same spot. I suddenly remember that I had some sort of audition or interview with Howie Mandel at 1, but now it’s almost 1:20. 

I’m at RiverDale Collegiate. In the dream this is the high school I went to. I’ve returned for something. There’s this walk-through presentation that some students have built. It’s about the vagina. You walk through and learn what it’s like to be a young girl going through puberty. It’s meant to be informative and fun. It’s very creative. 
There was one drawing of a girl leaning forwards. She’s pointing to her vagina behind her. She’s saying, ‘what’s that brown spot doing down there?’ She’s not pointing to her butt. She’s pointing to her vagina and that’s why she’s confused. 

Frog Dreams

  May 2, 2022

    It’s 9:24 am. It’s very foggy outside. Last night it poured like I haven’t seen it pour in a long time. I don’t think it lasted long. I walked through it to get popcorn from the Fox. It was fun.

Build yourself a little hut. Nowwww eat it. Slowly and carefully. Watch that food dissolve into tiny particles. Watch it all as it’s floating inside a dark room. Watch it spin into a galaxy. This is the thought that frogs have when they’re sleeping. They can’t get this picture out of their minds. It drives them crazy.

I really want to know that there’s something special going on. I don’t want to just ‘believe’ in it. I don’t want to ‘believe’ in God or in angels or that conscious continues after death. I want to ‘know’ it. 
The problem is that if I just believe it, then it starts to kinda get pushed aside in my head and I forget about this stuff. I start getting lazy with meditation, or with living in the moment. 
As of right now I would say that I DO believe in it all. But I don’t want to base my life around something I believe in. I guess the obvious rebuttal would be that I don’t actually ‘know’ anything. Which is true. I also have this thought that anything can be real. Just the action of thinking of something means that it now exists. I guess the trouble comes with how we define ‘real’. A car in your thought might just be as real as a car on the road. If you dissect the car on the road you’ll eventually arrive at a bunch of atoms, and if you go further you’ll just find lots and lots of empty space bound together, I think. So in some sense both the thought and the thing on the street are equally as real. 
That’s why I’m starting to wonder that if I think of God in my head, then in some sense it’s real. And if I think God isn’t real, then that is also true. It’s almost like there’s a different reality inside each person. 
Sometimes when I write these things and have these thoughts I get all these funny sensations throughout my body. I’m getting a lot of tingling on my head and face right now.
The last few days have felt weird, physically. I constantly feel like I’m in some sort of brine. I feel like I’m flowing slightly, like there’s some sort of current pushing me, but also like there’s a current inside me. Everything just feels like it’s flowing. 
It’s really weird when I walk. I get this weird feeling pushing me forwards, then this feeling pushing me back. It literally feels like standing in the ocean. 
I wondered if it had to do with taking the subway and the bus a lot. Maybe it’s that starting and stopping feeling. But I’ve been on those things all my life and I only started feeling this sensation since I began thinking about this stuff. 
I was walking today and thinking that I really wanna know, not just believe. One thought that came to me a couple hours later was that of all the body parts I observe when I meditate, there is one that I never like to feel, and that’s my heart. Whenever I pass my awareness over my chest I don’t feel anything. If I hold it there I begin to feel my heart beat, but once I’ve felt that I quickly move away from there. Something about feeling my heart makes me a bit uncomfortable. I think it has to do with the uncomfortable feeling that I’ll have a direct impact on the rhythm. And if that happens then I’ll get anxious, and I’ll get heart palpitations, which will make me more anxious, and it’ll just go on and on back and forth. Then I’ll have a heart attack and die. 
I also sometimes feel slightly overwhelmed by the power of it. When I stop and actually feel it I kinda get scared by how powerful it is, and how it doesn’t seem to make sense that it can just keep beating over and over and over again, for decades. I just don’t really understand it, and I get scared that if I stop and pay attention it’ll suddenly just stop and I’ll die. 
So I’m gonna start paying more attention to it, and actually feeling. I would like to put this fear behind me. 

Apparently we all have spiritual guides. I want to know them, if they’re there. I do notice that when I start to read about guides I get very very tingly and feel very calm. Now I don’t know if this is just me sorta creating some sort of chemical reaction in my body which I find enjoyable. That’s what I mean about believing versus knowing. If I don’t ‘know’ something, then I have to consider all the possibilities. It seems almost irresponsible to not do that. It doesn’t seem right just to have blind faith. I am leaning into it. I say that I believe, but I get worried that having this sorta attitude might have negative affects on my life. I don’t want to just give up rational thought and live my life based on ‘believing’. 
But I’ll give it a try. I’m gonna start writing and thinking as if I KNOW they’re real. I’ll give this a shot.
So anyways, they say to try and communicate with your guides.
I’d like to thank my guides for being with me at every moment, including this moment. I can feel them in my body. I can feel them moving through me. I can feel their love and I can feel them holding me. 
I wanna thank them for sending me the answer to my questions, either through dreams or through thoughts. 
I want to thank them for really getting me excited about meditation. 

These are some things I’d love help with.

How do I ensure that I don’t lose interest and forget to ask for help?
Is it even important to keep this topic in my mind?
Is the important thing to just keep living my life as well as possible?  
How can I know that this stuff is real? 
Why do I feel slight fear at the idea of actually being shown something? 

I woke up last night to get water and use the bathroom. At that point I could remember lots of my dreams very vividly. I figured that I’d remember them all by the morning, but when I woke again at 8:45 I could only seem to remember fragments. From now on I’m gonna have the Voice Memo app ready on my phone so that I can just say my dreams into that when I wake up in the night. 
Here are the ones I remember.

    Dreams 

I’m on a boat going through the thick jungle. It’s a very small wooden boat, only big enough for like 2 people. The jungle is quite beautiful. I think someone is giving me a tour. Over time we see bugs. They kinda make me squirmy and I don’t want to go near them. 
We notice one very funny looking animal. Most of its body is under the water. The body is wide, but its neck is long and its head is tiny. It’s almost like the shape of a big wine bottle. The head starts slowly separating from the body. It’s only connected by a tiny little line. The head gets really close to me. It’s way too close. I can see the inside of its body and its inner body parts. I’m really uncomfortable but I can’t get away because I’m in this boat and I’m not the one steering. 

I’m doing some learning about how to really love your partner. Something like that. I’m learning to just be there for them and to really hold them whenever you get home. Somehow I know that my partner is learning the same thing at that moment. 
I open the door to my apartment and go to the girl. She’s got brown hair. We’re on the bed, cuddling. We’re not speaking. We’re just really happy to be there with each other. 
Then she gets up to use the bathroom. I suddenly remember that one of the lessons had to do with keeping yourself busy while your partner is using the bathroom. Apparently you’re not supposed to just sit there and wait for them to come back. You’re supposed to get up and maybe do some cleaning. 
So I get up. I notice out of the corner of my eye that the girl has her pants down but isn’t in the bathroom. She’s got toilet paper and is only wiping the inside of her underwear where her butt touches. I start to wonder if she crapped her pants or something like that. I’m slightly weirded out. I hope that she washes her hands after. 
I go over to the window. It’s about 5 stories high. I can see a little building across the street. In the back there’s a little field with artificial grass. There’s a little girl there with her mother. 
Big puffs of snow are falling. I can see the skyline. I can’t remember if it’s very early or if it’s evening. I think I was standing at the window more than once in my dreams.

I’m with three other people. I think it might be the same apartment. I ask them to share the most scary moment of their lives.
Kelly is there, the guy I was in the band with. He says that his scariest moment was some event in the army.
The TV suddenly plays an ad for a new show. It’s about an unsolved murder case that happened in the army. It says to call the number if anyone has information they’d like to share. We all realize that this is the same story that Kelly had just begun telling. He picks up the phone and calls the number. You can tell that it’s very difficult for him to revisit these memories. 
There’s a wooden cabinet underneath the TV. Kelly lies down on this as he speaks on the phone. As he’s talking the whole cabinet starts leaning forwards from his weight. It lifts his head up into the air as the whole thing tilts forwards. Two people have to run over and help him. I don’t remember if it’s in the dream or after I wake up but I start laughing really hard. Kelly is really vulnerable in this moment as he’s speaking on the phone and revisiting very painful memories. The fact that this is when he starts falling off the cabinet is just very funny timing, especially since he didn’t seem to take much action to prevent himself from falling. It reminds me of something that might happen in Air Plane or The Naked Gun.
As this is happening one of the other people asks me what the scariest moment from my life was. I pick the memory of driving in Mexico with dad and Liam when there were two white trucks behind and in front of us on the highway. We were wondering if they were related to a cartel. We luckily pulled off the road because our destination arrived. The person in the dream said that it didn’t sound scary at all, and that they were probably just random Mexicans. I made some sarcastic remark back, something like ‘oh I didn’t realize that, thank you’. We kinda argued for a bit. I was so annoyed that they were trying to tell me how to feel, since they had no idea what it felt like in that moment. 
I think this dream morphed into a different one. I’m on some sort of bed close to the floor. There’s some one with me. They’re kinda annoying but I think we’re sorta playing. I think they kept trying to lick my face. They were supposed to leave to go to their bedroom but they weren’t leaving. They kinda reminded me of a dog, but more annoying. 

I’m at the airport. I have to keep catching planes. I don’t know where my tickets are but I don’t have time to look for them on my phone because I have to keep running to the terminals before the plane leaves. I get to the plane at the last moment and once I’m boarded I have to look through my phone for the tickets. At one point I’m on a plane with Mom, but I think Dad is on a different plane, flying to the same place. One of the planes doesn’t have windows and has seats very close to the floor. It’s not strange in the dream. The next plane is leaving from Australia I think. It reminds me of a bullet train. Out the window the sky is golden. 

I’m walking down a street. There’s big houses all around. They remind me of photos I’ve seen of buildings in New Orleans. There’s no one there. It almost feels like walking on a movie set.
I’m on the roof of one of the houses. I’m with Steve Harvey and two of his kids. It’s a rooftop patio. They have an outdoor fire. Steve is smoking a cigar. He’s talking about how he never has to work another day in his life if he doesn’t want to. You can tell he’s feeling good. He’s got a big smile.